tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82197817242853126482024-03-23T03:14:28.580-07:00Stuff Apostolics Like"All jesting is in its nature profane,
in the sense that it must be the sudden realization that something
which thinks itself solemn is not so very solemn after all."
-G.K. Chesterton.Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.comBlogger303125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-13004622544105098322015-09-30T18:06:00.001-07:002015-09-30T18:12:19.973-07:00#287- Not Marriage Equality (Part 1)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Editor's Note: So we have a guest post from a new blog called <a href="https://thoughtsandprayersinmotion.wordpress.com/2015/09/28/marriage-equality-and-religious-persecution-part-one/" style="font-weight: normal;" target="_blank">Thoughts and Prayers in Motion</a>. </span></i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>And from the two posts so far, it's definitely worth keeping in view. Not too preachy but forceful enough to make you stop and think. while it’s definitely not an establishment voice, the blog clearly has a constructive agenda and isn’t just another collection of bitter rants.” Anywho, enjoy the blog's latest post below:</i></span><br />
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<i>Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to them, and to which God has called them. This is my rule in all the churches. – Saint Paul (1 Cor. 7:17)</i><br />
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<u><span style="font-family: inherit;">PART ONE</span></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to the recent
incarceration of a Kentucky county clerk for refusing to perform her
duties, certifying marriages for all Rowan County couples, the
General Superintendent of the United Pentecostal Church
International, David K. Bernard, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/davidkbernard/posts/982799378409061"><u>posted
some of his thoughts on Facebook</u></a>.
Near the beginning of the post, Bernard writes, “As Christians, we
can agree on the following points…”
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 0.22in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; orphans: 0; widows: 0;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">While it is tempting to jump straight
to a discussion of <i>the
following points</i>, it is
Bernard’s deftly phrased opening, “As Christians, we can agree”
to which we must be most attentive. Who are these Christians
or this we?
Surely not <i>all</i>
Christians, as it is quite clear that Christians in general rarely
speak with a unified voice on anything, marriage equality definitely
not one of those rare issues. Perhaps Bernard means <i>Apostolics</i>
or <i>Oneness</i>
<i>Pentecostals</i>
or even <i>United</i>
<i>Pentecostals</i>
when he says we?
Even so, such a statement would still be less than accurate, as
dissenting views on marriage equality exist in all three of the
aforementioned more narrow possibilities. This deceptively benign
opening, “As Christians, we can agree” warrants our close
attention, because it is a foundational prop in what can only be
called a phantasmagorical production. A feverish bit of theater, in
which we are confronted by the spectacle of a weeping woman, who
having been maliciously persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
nevertheless stands firm for Jesus. This carefully choreographed
pageantry seeks to stoke the fear of an imminent loss of <i>Christian
freedoms</i>, all the while
ignoring the abdication of <i>Christian
values </i>taking place in the
humiliation, suffering and indignity inflicted upon hapless couples
who had the audacity to seek equal treatment under the law.
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<div style="line-height: 0.22in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; orphans: 0; widows: 0;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This foundational prop of which I
speak, is the carefully cultivated fiction — a fiction many
Christian leaders (including <i>Oneness
Pentecostal</i> and <i>Apostolic</i>
elites) are desperately trying maintain — that frames the struggle
for marriage equality as an external attack upon Christian faith by
an assortment of worldly forces. That marriage equality is an
internal issue of Christian debate/dissent (no matter how narrowly
one draws the circle) is something that cannot be acknowledged by the
reigning powers. Christians however, even Apostolic Christians, have
never been a monolithic group, and framing marriage equality as an
issue in which Christians are pitted against non-Christians
(non-Christians we should add, who seek to undermine Christian
freedoms) is disingenuous. Such a framing is vulgar propaganda that
only feeds a false persecution complex currently in vogue among many
conservative American Christians.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 0.22in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; orphans: 0; widows: 0;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The truth is this: <i>the
gays</i> are not out there
waging war against all things Christian. Let us be clear. In their
fight against marriage equality, church leaders and those who follow
them, are not holding the line against an onslaught by godless
heathens, but are instead committing the sin of Cain. Let us name
this <i>they</i>
whom we are told to resist. They are our brothers and sisters, our
mothers and fathers, our sons and daughters, our musicians,
educators, pastors, worship leaders, janitors, ushers and elders —
<i>they</i>
are faithful children of God. That it may genuinely surprise many to
learn that <a href="http://www.advocate.com/politics/religion/2015/05/12/report-half-lgb-americans-identify-christian"><u>nearly
half of lesbian, gay or bisexual Americans identify as Christian</u></a>
(and that percentage is increasing) is just more evidence of how
successful establishment propaganda has been.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 0.22in; margin-bottom: 0.17in; orphans: 0; widows: 0;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Here is an uncomfortable truth.
Whatever religious persecution of Christians is taking place in this
country; it is all too often taking place at the hands of other
Christians. As a <a href="http://www.ucc.org/north-carolina-marriageequality-10102014"><u>little
publicized victory</u></a> by
a coalition of clergy, same-sex couples and religious denominations
late last year demonstrated, in denying LGBT Christians marriage
equality, North Carolina's marriage laws violated the First Amendment
rights of Christian clergy and the principle of "free exercise
of religion.” While the recently incarcerated Kentucky county clerk
does offer us an opportunity to confront religious persecution in
America, it is not the example of persecution her supporters imagine.
The persecution, to which she calls our attention, is one that seeks
(among other things, namely the imposition of one’s own religious
beliefs upon non-believers) to deny LGBT Christians and the Christian
communities to which they belong, the freedom to exercise their
constitutional right to the free expression of their religion. It is
imperative that we see beyond the actors on the stage in order to
unmask this tragic reality that both the victims and the perpetrators
in this story are Christians.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
While Bernard’s post appears to be a genuine attempt at finding some balance between secular authority and personal conscience, sadly, he doesn’t seem to appreciate the irony involved in citing Romans 14 to conclude a reflection in which he has attempted to impose a tendentious reading of scripture upon all Christians. In 1 Corinthians 7, Saint Paul acknowledges that even for faithful Christians, marriage is a complicated subject and that we should resist any attempt at homogenizing believers. May we hear afresh Saint Paul’s words that every one must be free to faithfully live the life to which God has called them, not forced into a life that other Christians may seek to impose upon them. A candid discussion about marriage equality might begin, “as Christians, we do not agree.”</div>
Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-52934457129127299422015-08-24T16:52:00.003-07:002015-12-14T03:16:12.891-08:00#286 - The Stoneking Hypothesis: Sound vs. Air Theology<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Years ago, Lee Stoneking gave this blog an audience without realizing it. Literally, discussing the science of his <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2010/05/150-holy-magic-hair-sort-of.html" target="_blank">Holy Magic Hair Theory</a> caused the blog to go from a few hits a day (thanks mom) to getting hits from my mother, two aunts, and any girlfriend who gets past the three date anniversary. And that's exciting. Except we at SAL have gone our separate ways from Stoneking.... </i><br />
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<i>And like two star-crossed lovers, I felt in my heart of hearts that a reunion was imminent. I just didn't know how to start a conversation again with someone who meant so much to the blog and myself. Yet luckily Stoneking started it at Youth Congress when this happened...</i>.<br />
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Let's get this straight: Stoneking has a theory that shouting attacks the air and conversely attacks the Prince of Air himself: Satan. The theory of evolution may not check out, but Lee Stoneking's theory of Sound vs. Air absolutely checks out. Because the Bible. And because, hashtag loud noises matter.<br />
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The theory: Joshua decided to enter Canaan and kill anyone else living there (women and children alike) and had a whole lot of success until he got to Jericho and there were walls around the city, so some marching and loud noises caused the city walls to fall and thus we can conclude that sound noises caused wall-failure.<br />
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Except with Lee Stoneking, shouting causes air particles to get shredded speedily and a take-no-prisoners, wam-bam-thank-you-mam kind of recklessness. And for Stoneking, no walls will collapse, however, because that would be physical proof of a miracle and that's not his style. Instead, tongues are spoken. Crying happens. And this all checks out. Apostolic Sound vs. Air, and Apo Sound wins.<br />
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But the critical discovery regarding the Stoneking Shout vs. Air hypothesis is that while studying the issue scientifically and Biblically, Dr. Lee Stoneking realized that Satan himself was the Prince of that very Air that was shredded by Shout. <br />
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<b><u>Further Hypotheses</u></b><br />
Whilst Dr. Stoneking is currently nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize about this discovery, several minor logistical questions remain.<br />
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<u>Question 1</u>: If Satan is the Prince of the Air, who are the King and Queen of the Air?<br />
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We may never know. But if, as rumor has it, that the King of the Air is God Himself, then aren't we attacking God every time we shout? (more research needed).<br />
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<i>Question 1. A: </i>If God is the King of the Air and Satan is the Prince of the Air, is God the Father of Satan? Is this like the opposite of Darth Vader revealing "Luke, I am your father?" (more research needed)<br />
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Aside: I'm not an air particle expert here as the Shout vs. Air Science is a newly constructed field. Therefore I will have to to defer to our resident Air-depletion specialist, Dr, Lee Stoneking regarding such matters in the mean time.<br />
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<u>Question 2</u>: If shouting attacks air, is it possible that one of the main causes of global warming is humans having a loud shout? After all, scientists agree that the amount of O-Zone depletion has increased at silly exponential rates within the past two hundred years. Is it then a coincidence that during this very same 200 years that the rate of human shouting has increased at nearly the exact same rate?<br />
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And if I'm correct (more research needed), and the smoking gun of global warming is shouting humans, then can we just let the global warming blame-game about pollution be put to rest?<br />
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<i> Question 2. A. Does screaming count as shouting? (From the video of Youth Congress' Great Shout Invasion, it seems screaming was permissible to shed and deplete air particles.) And if so, how much damage did the Jews cause the atmosphere when six million of them were screaming for their life in the gas chamber?</i><br />
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<i> Question 2 A. 1. What kind of injuries did Satan sustain after the aforementioned Jewish Air-Scream invasion of the early 1940's? </i><br />
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<u>Observations</u>: Observed that a lot of the air particle depletion from Congress occurred in a setting where screaming and shouting was encouraged amongst thousands of youths. A setting where one could openly emit LOUD NOISES in order to kill Satan, and ALSO <i>NOT</i> be declared a crazy, a wimp, a rebel rouser or be suspected of possible terrorist intentions. Actually Congress may have been the only place in the world where screaming & shouting would be rewarded with a fist pump or a bro-hug even though tears were clearly stuck in your eye-lashes.<br />
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<u>Testing & Results: </u>Rumor has it that the Oklahoma Air Particle Assault did not end at Congress but found it's way to many a church the following weekend(s). And the scientific measurements of just a sample of these church confirmed that air particle shreddings were not limited to 23,000 insecure adolescents making loud noises for emotional effect. No sir. In fact, air particles were depleted at the exact same rate no matter the amount of shouters within a venue. One loud shouting home missions church of eight people and a pet cat named Steve reported that they were "having difficulty breathing and feeling slightly light headed" after having a Shout alter call service for a whole twenty minutes. The good news is that inside sources tell me that after this shout attack, that Satan is nursing an ACL tear and is expected to be out of any spiritual warfare activity for at least 6-9 months,<br />
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<u>Sound vs. Air Theology in Action</u>: After finding out that Satan was injured and in hiding over a bit of shouting at the air, I have taken up the task of shouting in wherever the Spirit compels me to. Sure I was alone in the shout each time, and sure it was way awkward to be amongst people who didn't have one clue about the amount of Air destruction they could commit with some loud vocals, but when Satan's on the retreat, there's no time to explain why you were shouting out loud.<br />
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And who care's if you found yourself escorted out of a TSA airplane line because you shouted. The air is being shredded and that's more important.<br />
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And sure you'll get sweared at next to a man in a urinal as the Spirit compels you to give a loud shout. But even if the man next to you is mid-poop, be rest assured, that your very shout may be preventing a Satanic attack on his soul at that very moment. Tell him to thank you for your shout.<br />
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<u>Conclusion: </u>When the tried and true theory of the Lee Stoneking Sound vs. Air theology is confirmed within academia, we'll have more visitors in our church from the shouting revival services for the next week or two and as a result of all the outbursts of emotion, salvation will be easier for the seekers which means even more ridiculous and asinine pseudo-science theologies to manipulate a crowd to get a reaction. And in two months, we'll forget any of this ever happened.<br />
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P.S. More Stoneking Love coming soon.Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-66508771044120999902015-08-12T19:15:00.000-07:002015-08-23T21:05:06.116-07:00#285 - #NAYC2015 (An Ode To Broken Commitments)<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="font-weight: normal;">Editor's Comment: To ensure credit where credit is due, Glen McGee wrote this post (side note: goosebumps ahead)-</i></span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fresh on the heels of North American Youth Congress 2015
it’s the Stuff Apostolics Like Recap of Events!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nah, just kiddin. We actually have finally crossed the
threshold of being so far removed we have absolutely no idea who sang,
preached, screamed, got wifed up or anything else that may have occurred.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've had a post on my mind for a while now and given that
I spent last night looking at the Instagram hashtags from NAYC, and
became very, very sad, I thought now was a good time to post it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Looking through Twitter and Instagram there are countless
posts of excitement and zealous emotion for the time spent there. And why
wouldn’t there be? When you live in a culture that’s founded on isolation from
everything that surrounds you, and you’re constantly reminded that you’re “in
the world, not of it,” it’s absolutely intoxicating to completely take over a
city. I recall being 18 years old, withdrawn from my school; my only social
access was the thirty or so kids in my youth group. I felt like I lived in a
bubble. I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lived </i>for the large
gatherings the UPC fostered. I counted down to camp season like the rest of the country counts down
to The Superbowl. Just like the countdowns on Twitter and Instagram for the
last month… I only made it to two NAYC’s (2003 and 2005) before my work
schedule couldn’t allow it, and by the time I could take off from work I no longer
cared, but those two NAYC’s were the epitome of excitement for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can’t describe the feeling of being in an arena with 20,000
people who think, dress and live the exact same way you do, when you’re the
weird one back home. At your school you’re the goodie two shoes, the church
boy, the Jesus Freak. But here? Here you’re in your element. Here the tables
turn. Here the girl walking down the street in pants is the one who’s out of
place. Here your bowtie is cool. Here the smell of Aussie hairspray permeates the air like hot garbage in New York City.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But that’s not all. It’s at these functions, the Congress’,
the camps, the rallies, where “commitments” are made. Sermons are screamed with
a practiced pseudo-sincerity that also acts as a calculated emotional spell being cast on starry-eyed
teenagers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And herein lies the tragedy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was me, on the regular.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can’t tell you the amount of times I sat on my knees with
my face buried in the carpet, my hands filled with tears as I BEGGED God for
the strength to never give up. I interceded with the fervor of a dying soldier
begging not to be left on the battlefield, asking God to never let me become…..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">what I eventually became.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I committed with every fiber of my soul to never turn my
back, to never walk away, to never stop believing. The fear the preacher had just
put into me drove me to scream at the top of my lungs every articulation of
commitment I could think of. I listened to the rhetorical idea that “we’re
one generation away from losing the anointing,” and I told God I would never be
a part of that fallen generation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">During the time when most everyone I knew at school were
living normal teenage lives, having their first kiss, going to dances, listening to music and simply having the American Youthful Experience I
spent my time at a Pentecostal altar. I, and my youth group, thrust ourselves
into the emotional hurricane of guilted commitments prodded by a passionate
solicitation for our most sincere devotion. Tearful preachers stood in pulpits
Sunday after Sunday, Friday after Friday, telling us of the risks waiting for us
every time we “stepped outside those doors,” and we bought right in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that’s what happened this past week in Oklahoma City.
Thousands of teenagers, with no practical knowledge of this world, had their
phobias reinforced. Junior High aged children bawled their eyes out, consumed
with the fear of disappointing God. They committed their lives, not just to God,
but also to a Pentecostal “Holiness” lifestyle and an Apostolic Identity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The tragedy of all of this is not where the story ends, but
in the regret from where it started. And for 20,000 kids last week, it started in Oklahoma City.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love my life. I love where I ended up. I have a career I
love, that pays me well. I have well rounded experiences, friends that are
closer than my own family, and I live in a city that people fantasize about
living in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I am everything I prayed I’d never become. I’ve broken
every commitment I ever made to God. I am a caricature of the worst outcome of
all those impassioned sermons. And while I am so happy about that, the happiness has had to evolve. I've been told several times, and agree, that I am in dire need of counseling. I ended up on my feet, but only after doing a triple axle through confusion, anger, bitterness and deep rooted resentment, and I still haven't stuck that landing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I look back on my life and see the path I took to get
here I become so, so sad for the child I was, but not the adult I became. My
youthful, impressionable mind was held captive by a bleak outlook, based on biased conjecture. Instead of learning, and growing, and being matured through experiences I
begged God for stagnation. I was told in dozens of sermons, and I believed, that life in the altar of events like North American Youth Congress was as good as it could ever be and I placed all my chips on that bet.
“Progress be damned, life has to stop here.” Progress wasn’t progress; progress
was the path to hell. Progress would lead me to a life devoid of purpose. New
experiences, friends and ideas were to be feared. But when those inevitable
experiences and friends and ideas came along they brought with them
perspective. When I encountered something I had once prayed never to encounter the
recurring word in my mind was “Really?” Really, this is what’s going to destroy
me? Really, the highest I could ever be was at that altar? Really, these people
are the bad ones?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With every new epiphany another youthful tear of mine became
shed in vain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why did I allow my youth to be spent in trembling fear of a
normal life? Why do people see a child or teenager, like in the video at the top of this page, with bloodshot eyes, a face covered
in tears and snot, nerves and emotions shocked beyond that seen in court rooms
and funeral homes, and think “how precious?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This isn’t precious. This isn’t good. This is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sick. </i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The willingness to accept the image of a sobbing, shaking child is predicated on the idea that the child understands what they're doing. But guess what: they don't. The video at the top of this page should cause outrage, but it gets a pass because it's in a church. If anyone walked into a daycare center or a school and saw children that young crying and trembling on the floor they would call Child Protective Services. This is emotional abuse. Children like the ones in the above video filled the seats of that Oklahoma Arena this past week. I posit that there wasn't so much of a "move of God" in that arena as there was emotional manipulation and manufactured distress. These preachers have figured out how to do something very, very dangerous. If a psychologist was granted access to these events and observed the altar calls they, undoubtedly, would tell us we've engaged in amateur mass psychosis. They're "playing" with minds of children and it's not only unhealthy but carries extreme risk. These emotionally loaded situations carry the potential for trauma - real, psychological trauma, and it's treated so haphazardly.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Amidst the hashtagged posts on Instagram I saw videos of kids so young they’ve never had to learn how
to burn a CD so wrought with guilt and fear rocking back and forth on the floor
of an arena making those same commitments I made and I was on the brink of
tears for them, but not tears of joy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I see kids who will spend the next ten to twenty years
locked in an emotional and psychological battle as they slowly have a curtain
drawn back to reveal the truth of their situation. I see kids with the claws of
manipulation gripping them so tightly they don’t even know who they are outside
of their hair and their skirts, who worship people they will either grow to hate or worse, fetishizing these preachers as some kind of god among men. I
see pastors sons and daughters holding hands and praying with the belief that
they’re supposed to be together, who will grow to resent each other. I know
because I watched this happen to almost every teenage friend I had that truly believed
God had ordained their pubescent relationship. All the while oblivious chaperones and
parents sit with plastic smiles of approval, not understanding the inevitable
disillusionment these children are on a road to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m not here to argue with those who never left. I’m
speaking as a voice of experience, as a voice of those who have gone down
this road. An often said remark by Pentecostals is "I know this is real because I felt it," or "You can't doubt my experience." Well I've had my own experiences and I'd say the same in return. While my feelings of animus may be more extreme than that of my peers, the
sentiment exists in all of us to varying degrees. Those still filling
Pentecostal pews can certainly agree that after a certain age it seems a
disproportionate number of us who grew up in the church leave it. I know this
because I sat under numerous sermons on Friday nights warning of the dangers we
will face once we’re out of high school. The stories of those who went before
us and walked away, only to be met with (presumed) grief filled sermon after sermon which prompted our tearful commitments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But it wasn’t evil temptation that baited us to some debaucherous lifestyle. We simply matured. We reached the age of
introspection and self-awareness. We entered the workforce, college, and other
avenues of “real life” where our beliefs were challenged. While pastors and preachers
would tell us otherwise, the simple truth is that beliefs that can’t stand up
to questions are wrongly held beliefs. There simply isn’t substance to back the beliefs up. This is
why instead of being taught answers to questions we were taught not to ask
them. We were taught that those who do ask are distractions and tempters, thrown
in our paths as “stumbling blocks.” Biblical phrases like “lean not to your own
understanding,” were used to justify instructions not to think, just to obey,
and that things didn’t have to make sense. We were taught, “God is not
logical,” so that when the things that made sense to us contradicted what we
committed ourselves to at those altars, we would stick with the ramblings of the mad man in the pulpit rather than our own
hearts and minds. Catchy sermon titles and clever wordplay kept these sinister instructions seemingly light hearted, as we walked out of the arena's like the Manchurian Candidate.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Almost every person from the youth groups I grew up in have left their UPC churches. Some have gone to Non-Denominational churches, while others have become Atheists. I don't mean just a few. I could throw a backsliders rally and fill the pews with the hundreds who used to stain the carpet with their tears, yet now raise a glass to making it out. It could be argued that we've all lost the battle to the enemy but if those condemning us could just listen to us with an open mind they'd see that's not the case. We're people, just like them. We think just as much and just as deeply as they do. We're just as scared of hell, if it exists, as they are. No part of us is evil. But if we lay awake at night it's not with a gaping hole in our life as we wonder what it is that's missing. We lay awake thinking how much better life had been had we never been forced to buy into the Pentecostal message. Tears may sometimes stain our pillow, but we're not praising God, we're cursing him for letting people use his name to take advantage of us at the most impressionable point in our lives. We may be screaming, but it's not in tongues. It's the cursing and pounding as we look at our lives and our wasted potential because we were too focused on the youth group and not on our grades or our college education. We're cursing the uneducated, inexperienced, unqualified men who stood in front of innocent, blank slates and filled them with anxiety and unease about a world filled with beauty, but painted to be full of despair. We could have been <i>SO </i>much. We could have accomplished <i>SO </i>much. But we let them rob us of a future that hadn't even been written yet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The memories of “awesome sermons,” “amazing altar calls,”
and “let’s take this revival back home with us” became fleeting memories,
dissipating with every passing year. The vehemence of promises to ourselves, to
our pastors and to God became distant memories, and their value lost.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why this pains me so much is because it’s cyclical. There is
absolutely nothing I can do to change these kids paths. I would run into every Sunday School classroom, every weekend youth service, every camp and convention and tell each and every one of them that the world is too beautiful and life is too short to waste it on a fabricated story if I thought I could, but I can't. Not only would they kick me out, but at this point in their lives these kids would dismiss me as Satan incarnate, and follow my warnings with more commitments and tears. They are destined for the same path I've travelled. They will pray with the
same fervency I once did. They will make the same commitments. They will ask
the same questions. They will struggle with the same answers. They will have
their characters assassinated by the same men and women who claimed to love them with the love of Christ.
They will become bitter and dejected. Some will fall into depression. Some will
hold grudges. Some will go a little too far in their rebellion. But all will
look back at those sermons, those altars and those tears with regret, to
varying degrees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because they should have just been allowed to be kids. Their
youth was wasted, and they’ll never get it back.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just like mine was. And that is what brings tears to my eyes
again. </span><o:p></o:p><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are high school seniors whose tears have barely dried from the concrete of Cheasapeake Energy Arena who, by the next NAYC in 2017, will have realized the lies and fear so ardently expressed to them this week. And with no guidance, and a lot of regret, they'll begin a journey in a direction they don't know where will take them. I hope they have the good fortune that I've had, but I've seen too many that haven't. And for that I am deathly afraid.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-74691028544941745122015-02-09T14:43:00.003-08:002015-02-09T14:43:31.856-08:00#284-Not Nathaniel Haney (A sequel) w/ Bonus Footage....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh16_FPdhyphenhyphenWsSXB-Ml9jziGg0I2qdxtHYVcCzYtIUyhN2mj_L2T5Ng-DStbYL7eq4gpPaJ7RfWmhv3g-mBKCvF1liTuO6ElJeuDitSf62Kt2z9mmz3HOY5ipsQdbBI4NNzTIztY58wwm2g/s1600/PastorHaneyWEB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh16_FPdhyphenhyphenWsSXB-Ml9jziGg0I2qdxtHYVcCzYtIUyhN2mj_L2T5Ng-DStbYL7eq4gpPaJ7RfWmhv3g-mBKCvF1liTuO6ElJeuDitSf62Kt2z9mmz3HOY5ipsQdbBI4NNzTIztY58wwm2g/s1600/PastorHaneyWEB.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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I've seen some things, man. Some weird and strange sights, initiated by people you would not expect in the least. But I'm not sure anything's been as <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2015/02/283-mens-underwear-and-church-politics.html" target="_blank">weird as the 60 seconds unleashed by one Nathaniel Haney, regarding of all things: Underwear.</a></div>
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I mean... we got the weird, irrational rants that come up on occasion over the pulpit from pastors of the deep. But these sermons have some cultural context at least: Homosexuality, long hair, women in pants. Basically stuff that would kind of make sense if it was preached in the 19th century.</div>
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But Nathaniel Haney and his underwear obsession... There's just no context for it. It's just....</div>
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Really Really Weird.</div>
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So last Friday I received some footage that may possibly be more weird and more disturbing than the sixty seconds of video I received last week. Except this bonus footage is only thirty seconds long....</div>
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The one problem is that initially I could only get the audio to the video to work. So in the second mini-podcast below (downloadable), you'll only hear the audio included in my commentary. But if you want to see the actual video.... it's below the podcast <a href="http://youtu.be/S_uE-HFYldM" target="_blank">or can be seen here</a>.</div>
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<b>Update: Here's the thirty-second video that referenced in the mini-podcast above:</b>
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Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-30284683703920083092015-02-01T01:59:00.000-08:002015-02-05T18:26:58.541-08:00#283- Men's Underwear<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMS7wum3GZrEzn9jpq3wxb-LFdnJYJYYnGYLQgFZPVBPkBUc4t-QC0606q81IqIVxii-R2k5BKOW5BmzUeQxFu1wLdRvfhaBWoq4Mzjp-yGPP3wCc4OsODEr83wc1Yh30c8yGFIR7ak8c/s1600/RumsfeldHussein.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMS7wum3GZrEzn9jpq3wxb-LFdnJYJYYnGYLQgFZPVBPkBUc4t-QC0606q81IqIVxii-R2k5BKOW5BmzUeQxFu1wLdRvfhaBWoq4Mzjp-yGPP3wCc4OsODEr83wc1Yh30c8yGFIR7ak8c/s640/RumsfeldHussein.jpg" height="448" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: small;">We have become a denomination of TMZ nonsense. Our most famous ministers:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">-Lee Stoneking knows how to put makeup on and believes God judges people by how long the strands of their hair are. (yes, I admit the cliche)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">-Jeff Arnold <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2012/10/263-making-commotion-general-conference.html" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2014/01/so-basically-this-happened-last-week-at.html" target="_blank">here</a>, and if you want commentary: <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2014/02/sal-podcast-episode-3-jeff-arnold-poet.html" target="_blank">here</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Our most famous youth pastors will be getting a salary of 30k for the rest of their life at best. And of those hundreds of QVC-like Apostolic salesmen who do what they do because it gives them the rare space to play dress-up, only a dozen or so will preach at some event beyond their local youth rally...</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Unfortunately one of those dozen happened recently:</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Apparently, there is an epidemic of sorts among the males</span><span style="font-size: small;"> of the UPC. And this epidemic is as "query as can be." And all I was thinking was, can you imagine a day-care worker or business owner caring as much about his/her's clients underwear as to discuss their underwear out in the open.....</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"> So </span><span style="font-size: small;">in lieu of writing an overly long diatribe and pointing out how far the preacher in question has steered from the Cross (he's obsessing about underwear), I'll instead present a monologue against one Nathaniel Haney....</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">*Rant can be downloaded. Consider the audio a mini-podcast*</span></div>
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</tbody></table>Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-37020223630692128682014-12-24T02:12:00.002-08:002014-12-31T02:42:17.496-08:00#282- Church Camp: THEIR MOMENTUM IS FURIOUS AND THEY ARE STILL FLOATING: REPORTS ON AN APOSTOLIC CAMP MEETING<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<em style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 22.75px;">Author’s Preface: Some time in the early summer of 2014</em><em><span style="color: #555555; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 22.75px;">, the author was contacted by someone who he could call a friend in Facebook speak, but was more or less, an acquaintance....Let's call him a Myspace friend. The man was offering yours truly a solid week’s pay to visit to a specific set of camp meeting services that very summer in a chosen state of the acquaintances choosing. Author was confused at the least because of author's lack of interest into any sort of reporting situation after the <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2014/01/so-basically-this-happened-last-week-at.html" target="_blank">Jeff Arnold BOTT incident</a> which, not only included homophobia, racism, and antisemitism...but also found Anthony Mangun and the <a href="https://www.thepentecostals.org/">Pentecostals of Alexandria's</a> company mysteriously silent about the incident (the audio is still not available and yet they won't say why).... Let's let it pass? </span></span></em><br />
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Hell No. <br />
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Cue Music <br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="24" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/u3voRbKryjA" width="300"></iframe>
<i> But yet money speaks loud at times (like the Pentecostals of Alexandria), and I was commissioned by this pastor to attend a couple of camp services..... And on top of attending said services, the author was to report on what he encountered in a manner he felt comfortable with. In short, he was to do a piece of non-fiction journalism covering the meetings. Yours truly agreed to the job, because, who wouldn't? The other, relevant piece of information, was that yrs. truly agreed to do the job on condition of the employer’s anonymity. In turn, the author demanded that the state which hosted these meetings be left unnamed along with the names of the preachers and attendees he encountered during the visit. While my employer was hesitant to concede such a demand, he eventually conceded. Likewise, names have been changed to protect the identities of the innocent, which according to the cross, is everyone. <br /><br /><br /> The motivations of the potential employer of this project were never inquired about, but if the author were to speculate, the intentions were not pure, nor informative, but most likely seditious. Yrs. truly can speculate on this based on the disappointment expressed by the potential-employer once the piece (included below in it’s entirety) was sent to him. Also, advice, it helped....<br /><br /><br /> Frankly, the author’s employer was probably expecting an article full of sinister cynicism about the whole charade yours truly encountered at the camp meetings. This would also explain why yrs. truly was commissioned to write the piece, since it was he of minor and past Apostolic fame, who wrote extensively and cynically for an unnamed blog lambasting Apostolic culture proper (in the past). However, the employer did not know that yrs. truly had grown bored and weary of the whole blog at the time of the job, and was particularly dismayed at the whole cynical attitude which fueled the blog in the first place. The author did however, disclose his change of heart to his supposed employer, and is truly apologetic for whatever frustrations this caused his potential employer, but would also like to remind him that he is truly grateful for the initial subtle nudge to do this piece. Even though it ended up being funded by myself.<br /><br /><br /> The author would also like to disclose to the reader that just because he is not as cynical as he once was about things in the UPC, this does not mean he is cool with the UPC either. In fact, he is more frenzied than ever about the amount of rhetorical garbage that is spoken of as truth within the organization, and if he had one motivational message to the preachers of the org., it would be to “get your crap together.” Also, he would like to thank God above all else, his "potential" employer for permitting the publishing of the article here, and his mother for putting up with his angry rants at the dinner table. Also the author would like to tell you that he too is sick to death of talking about himself in the third person….</i><br />
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<b>...</b></div>
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I have seen water balloons slingshot hundreds of feet into the air. Miraculous water bombs. I have seen one water balloon slingshot like a canon taking out an unassuming bystander’s face. Literally, her face was destroyed. She was twelve yours old. The ambulance came. Never heard from her again. Nor the settlement (presuming there is one). <br />
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I have seen gentrification within the UPC itself and it's splintering. Splintering politely... until another org develops. <br />
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I have seen poop left in the shower without proper health inspections after being reported. <br />
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I have seen a preacher man lay his hand on a Holy Ghost seeker’s forehead in prayer in such a forceful fury, that the seeker’s knees collapsed under the weight of the hand causing him to “fold” to the ground which in turn, caused the man with the hand to fall on top of the folded body he was praying for.<br />
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I have seen a trailer dragged out of the camp real quick, because said trailer was making "hostile sex noises," Turns out the trailer contained a married couple. <br />
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I have seen a teenage girl and even one pastor’s wife have bathroom stints as long as forty minutes at a time during church service.<br />
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I have seen the fear of God in three different teenage boys’ faces, just after they were caught in the woods “getting fancy” with the girl of their dreams. One pastor talked to me about "like, hey now... My son... he's going through some kind of time in his life and let me tell you, our church is fasting.... so just like, hey now.....we're good right? We're cool? (fist pump)...." <br />
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I have seen a youth president unclog a broken toilet at 2 A.M . And by unclog, I mean the dude literally put on a plastic glove and stick his hand down the toilet drain, whereupon he pulled out a particularly large piece of fecal matter which, happened to be the culprit of the clogged toilet. The youth president with his eyes closed and his face turned, lifted the hand that was holding up the culprit poop for all those gathered to behold, proclaiming the poop as being “eerily dense,” and further declared that “it feels like there’s a matchbox truck in here!" This really happened. No Joke.<br />
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I have seen seen two youth pastors vomit in succession on a bathroom floor. This vomit parade directly initiated by one of the youth pastors viewing the aforementioned “culprit” poop as it was being held in the air by the youth president. This caused youth pastor 1 to vomit. The “culprit” poop, now famous, also caused youth pastor 2 to start gagging. Once youth pastor 1 vomited, partially on the shoes of youth pastor 2, youth pastor 2’s gagging immediately gave way to a full on vomit. As for yours truly, I would have probably vomited too, but luckily I was making a mental note about the how the whole “unclogging” incident spoke contrary to the popular notion that all the youth presidents “got it made” in terms of preaching invitations and pretty wives, and being revered by all young preachers-in-training.<br />
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As for the camp: It was like watching an addictive TV show that's available on Netflix/On Demand. The drama keeps you hooked, but it ends up a blur real quick... and all you got is "Hey I like that one mystery drama on Netflix...." And hope that a girl falls in love over common interest......<br />
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And yet, I'm here. And no way is anyone here watching House of Cards.<br />
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<b><i>Topics / Titles of sermons, preachers names and service content has been omitted at the request of my sponsor so as to avoid any potential litigation.</i></b></div>
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So while my journalistic integrity has already been compromised by my employer.... I will say the following: Apostolic camps are becoming obsessively narcissistic and tribal. The sermons that get the biggest praises are the sermons "based" on scripture, but more-so a telling the crowd about who we are. And that's scary. Because from my angle, those were the most boring and self-indulgent sermons I witnessed. The one inspiring service I witnessed was from an allegedly subversive "ragamuffin" (as one preacher described him)... in the afternoon. All the subversive preacher did was delve into scripture. And it wasn't incredible or anything, but it's like the dude was studying... so it's sad when that dude could barely raise an alter call for 5 minutes. Outside of the aforementioned sermon, everything else was self-obsessive, cranky, jumpy, contrived, and ultimately banal. If this camp was anything symptomatic of the UPC, it was just this: Adorable (jumping & screaming compensating for thoughtful preaching), comical (the exaggerated dancing is either a) appalling or b) trying to hide your face while you laugh real hard), and beyond those entertaining aspects....beyond the huffing and puffing and threats of blowing the house/enemy down (never happened), the sermons were simply: dull. </div>
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Outside of the generalities I was permitted to describe... I can say nothing else...</div>
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Three nights and four days of fashionable antiquity and I’m flattened, exhausted and ill-postured. I’m at a Waffle Houseish diner/truck stop/all in one mini-market just outside of camp, which as it happens, is the toast of the town in terms of classy cuisine. Even though camp expired officially three hours ago, it apparently goes on unofficially for the rest of the day at Applebees,' Cracker Barrels, and town diners all across the state depending on what exit off the freeway a subsidiary group of Apostolics have determined to reunite at on their way home. Apparently, I’m the only one tired of “small talk” and/or gossip and/or pseudo-theological conversations. For the rest, today’s unofficial continuation of the last day of camp is more of a testament to how reluctant Apostolics are to let this beast of a camp draw to a close. If anything is true about camp, it is that Apostolics love it possibly more than ever, and further that Apostolics love each other’s company possibly more than camp itself.<br />
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Two of the tables at this particular diner are full of teenagers and one under 13 boy who appears to be the table’s mascot in that he dresses as fasionably as the teens, and is even more outgoing than some of the teens. However his childish face make it very clear that he is definitely not one of the teens, no matter how much he would like to think so. To the teens he is a novelty act. These teens look like me with the bags under their eyes and the fatigue in their face. Except the guys have their hair done and the girls have the mascara in their eyes on the slight. The biggest difference between them and me is they are smiling. Not like smiling in the way one smiles when they are having the time of their lives, but more like the way a boy smiles nostalgically when his mother asks him if he had fun after a long day at Disney World. I also notice this is the first time the teenagers look unkempt in their attire. Previously, it was very clear the teenagers at camp paid a particular amount of attention to their own appearance. The females always appearing festive, bulbous and shiny by night, while the boys looked uncomfortably sharp and dapper. Their daytime appearances were in the similar vain of the night services, but in a way that was more restrained. The teenage boys, paid particular attention to their daytime get-up by trying to dress like they didn’t care what they were wearing, but everyone really knows that even the dudes who tuck in their t-shirts into their blue jeans have thought long and hard about the particular t-shirt message they are displaying. The least popular and slightly creepy boys wearing “Crazy 4 Jesus” or “yo quiero God” t-shirts or other similarly themed shirts that were designed in such a way to appear “cool” and “hip” in that they either satirize a pop-culture phrase or mainstream brand logos in an ironic way by substituting a Christian allusion/pun in the place of the well known pop-culture phrase/logo. The point is today, after camp is officially closed, the clothes are now in a disordered way, and no one seems to mind. These Apostolic teens are tired, but they aren't deterred in the least.<br />
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The other noticeable table with Apostolic customers is the long table at the other side of the restaurant full of Pastors and their wives. I am jealous of their faces. Because they look how I want to feel. Everyone there is rested and laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Other than being a little more tan or burnt, these Apostolics appear to have been preserved perfectly through the week without the least sign of ware or tare from the gauntlet that is camp. God bless them for it, because I am certainly not.<br />
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This is only the end. And my mind is still spiraling downward in near madness. Trying to make sense of what has happened. I'm here eating alone... and only now does my presence bring a hangover-like reaction. Before now, I've hung out with the hipster counselors who don't know me and are also down to witness to dudes with strange beardage. Sure I've noticed a couple elbow-nudges and attempts at "INTIMIDATING STARE +5 Hit points" from youth pastors... which is was flattering... But nothing beyond that.<br />
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Maybe they're learning to accept the enemy in their camps perhaps? Otherwise, from the rightside of right, the old days would'a rebuked me to Satan's infirmary two days past.<br />
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'Cept now,.. there's a couple pastor/youth pastor types in line to pay bill and me on my cream o'wheat.... and one leans in to me at the table and says "Hey brother," (we shake hands). Make eye contact. He says "So what's your deal?"<br />
<br />
-(spit out the cream o' wheat)... (find eye contact again)<br />
<br />
-He: "You know exactly what i mean."<br />
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(second pastor exits line and stands over me. Arms crossed, and breathing through his nostrils so much so, that you can hear it.)<br />
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-Me (to the interrogator): "Yeah, I have a deal."<br />
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-Him:"So what is it?... What do you have against us?"<br />
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(The second preacher, the non-speaking one is breathing heavier through his nose and then looks back, and I kid you not, looks back to the table where he, his fellow pastor, and two wives were eating....and gives a silent nod to the two ladies remaining at the table.... Because, he's got everything all under control here)<br />
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That's where I chuckle. Then breathe... then just start laughing real hard. Like awkwardly drawing attention to a 10:30 AM situation which would'a been more appropriate for a 2 AM conversation.....<br />
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And a midst my laughter and the pastoral looks of "hey, getta load of this guy," all I can think to say to myself is "calm down now" and after a few seconds of straight-face, I say aloud, "praying for you guys."<br />
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And after they walked away, and pay their bills... you give a real quick & silent "Thank God," and head for the long route home.... wondering what it means when your denomination has become a mob of dancers and prancers and loud screamers.... and between the services, they're playing the politics of a 1920s gang.<br />
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Oh for Apostolic Identity in the 21st century.<br />
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Merry Christmas.</div>
Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-55447708845858534252014-08-01T23:30:00.000-07:002014-08-02T03:53:13.081-07:00#281-Not Calvinists 2.0 (and how they think they're smart but only went to bible college). AKA how John Piper and Mark Driscoll should be preached against<i>Absence explained by illustration below (post is just a something until the podcasts gets going again, Below are some thoughts that are probably way too nerdy in a theological sense,.. if none of the below makes sense, I apologies):</i><br />
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<strong>Calvin</strong>: Hello my name is John Calvin and my initials are J.C. which is not a coincidence and I wrote this: Okay scripture says that God controls everything. Because He's God. He knows everything too since yeah, he's totally.... God. And if He's God He <em>must </em>be awesome. He's God and his ways are above our ways, got that? And like, okay, if He knows everything then that means he knows the whole future too. Not to mention that everything has a meaning even if we don't understand the meaning (Yes that includes the holocaust). Yeah that's far out there, but it's the whole truth and if you question this..... well you're questioning the conductor of the whole show...you know, God.... and compared to God, we are kinda crappy. Wait. No. compared to God we are really really crappy. So crappy that compared to God, we like a pile steaming good for nothing crap. Totally useless crap. And what is useless crap in comparison with God you know?</div>
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Compared to the totally infinite God, the finite, ditzy us can't really say anything. Because like, we're sinners duh! And I was like we got scripture too for this. Like it doesn't matter that strangely the whole God-in-complete-control of everything business started coming about way late in the Old Testament after Greeks started philosophizing to us.... scripture is scripture and we can't question anything.... Remember, we're like really really depraved. So depraved that we can't really do anything to get saved. Because getting saved is Godly stuff.... and how can we humans do anything Godly in comparison to almighty-king-of this-whole creation, one and only God? Therefore it must be God who chooses to save us.... and not only that, but God does the saving thing too... you know, atonement, redemption, etc....like when you have faith or get saved or what not... Well it wasn't you who got saved. Remember, you are crap. And how does crap get saved? Well not be doing things that crappy stuff does. It must therefore totally be God. He's a freak like that and he does whatever he darn well pleases you got me? And you can't say anything against that because you are depraved. And that's the truth.</div>
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And I can hear all you ego-maniacal self-loving liberals saying things like... "well how can God say he loves us when he will knowingly send us to hell? Especially if he has the power to save all of us? ... God is love you know? And what kind of love would allow people to go to hell when God could do otherwise?"</div>
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And I'm all like "trick you crazy. You ain't God. God's love is a waaaay beyond the love that we know. Yeah some of this stuff doesn't make sense but I'm a crappy depraved human being like you so considering our limited mind...well......all I can say is I'll take God's way being above the way we think and reason."<br />
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<strong>Immanuel Kant:</strong> and I have a sweet name and<a data-mce-href="http://branemrys.blogspot.com/2010/07/immanuel-kants-guide-to-good-dinner.html" href="http://branemrys.blogspot.com/2010/07/immanuel-kants-guide-to-good-dinner.html" target="_blank" title="formal dinner parties"> I like formal dinner parties</a> and I wrote this: Yo Calvin I get what you're throwing down.... but like we got a few issues here man. I mean I'm with you about the whole infinite God thing...<em>maybe</em>... but I like the effort. But there's a problem....if we're so finite and depraved....which...I think we are too... then really we can't talk much about God and what he's like and not like. You may say that the Bible tells us the truth of God... but that truth of God is mediated through a lot of human rationality and finite thinking and reason in terms of you as the Bible's reader and interpreter. It's written by humans in a human language... and like us humans have limits to our reasoning skills... so to say that we understand that God's love is above our version of love is still a kind of human logic right?</div>
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<strong>Calvin: </strong>You're lost in philosophy gettin' all 'ere smartsy fartsy. I got God's grace ya hear? You wouldn't understand none of that though. God loves me and I'm chosen. Ur not. And God'll knock you down a couple of inches if ya don't shut ur mouth. Don't come around here questioning God.</div>
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I Killed Michael Servetus and I'll kill you if you don't shut your mouth.</div>
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<strong> Hegel:</strong> LOL. First off screw that Calvin guy. If God's love is above our love.... then that means our human version of love isn't love at all you nimwit. Stop telling your wife you love her unless you're that ignorant to think your human crappy love resembles anything like God's love that <em>apparently </em>is inconceivable to us.</div>
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Secondly Kant you were onto something. Except totally off... Making this whole thing about the limits of reason. Yeah that's cool and all, but excuse me while I spend a few seconds sticking my finger down my throat acting like I'm gagging and the next few seconds popping my gat in your metaphorical shins. What you say about our limited reason and our inability to comprehend God is true about us humans as a whole species... Not just on reason alone. It's not like we're sittin around thinking and rationalizing and knowing our limits. For instance, let's say that you confirm what God's will is in your life by the way you feel when you pray at certain times.... Well those feelings are limited too.... You can confuse feelings as what you <em>think</em> is God's confirmation that he has called you to be Christian... but that is all the interpretation and understanding of a limited human. How is this not obvious? Simple simple stuff really. This is why Mormons say they feel God and think that means anything. This is why non-Christians feel God and say it's proof that they're God is real... We can either say they are lying about their feelings, which is pathetic... or you can realize that feelings themselves are not really a confirmation of anything since it's something we humans experience and interpret in each of our lives. We're humans above all. This can't be escaped no matter how much you feel or think you have special insight about how your authority comes from someone on high. Every human wants to think they're special. And you may have God on your side... but let's use a little common sense and a little decency that treats humans likes humans and stop fooling ourselves. This is called ontology and if you stopped focusing on epistemology Kant, you could have been as gangsta as me.<br />
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Basically if you're human... and speak/think/feel/act like a human... and describe a system beyond our human understanding, you are contradicting yourself. Because the description of God/heaven required a human language/thought. It's like a scientist who tried telling us what happened before the big bang and thinking he's still doing science. That scientist would be laughed at and possibly made into a creole pasta.<br />
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Calvin you can say you are depraved all you want.... and you can spend a whole lot of time working out a system that describes Christian theology..... but the fact that you are rationalizing and articulating your beliefs in human language is just making you look like your thinking privileges ought to be taken away. And you may say "it's not by flesh and blood... but by spirit...." and yeah I wrote a whole book on the philosophy of the spirit so don't even get me started on that issue. My point is you act like your theology is some-how safe from philosophical ridicule but c'mon man... all this has been was philosophy with the emotions of a preacher.<br />
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It's like those dudes who get lost in the trinity or even Oneness theology trying to explain it and then after coming to one contradiction or another... they say "well it's a mystery." What an escapist bunch of self-delusional drivel. If it's a mystery then we can't even talk about it. If you can articulate it.... then your very own description of the limits of our understanding of God's love is really just putting God in a box all over again... except it lies to itself and says it's not putting it in a box.</div>
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Stop acting like you're depraved. If you're depraved you wouldn't have any ability to talk about God's love being beyond our understanding of love at all.<br />
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Calvin, I'm not saying that you're an idiot.... but you're kinda an idiot. You can't step outside of being human while you are here dude. Man up to your humanity and stop acting like you're above humanity by claiming to be depraved. If we're crap in comparison to God, then we'd never be able to come to any thought to communicate about God whatsoever. Calvin you need a time out.<br />
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<strong>John Piper:</strong> Don't worry about him JC Jr. What we have here is a good for nothing Armenian who loves himself some free will. And besides... tell those guys that this is where faith comes in.</div>
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<strong>XOXO</strong><br />
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<strong>Hegel: </strong>LOL. Who said anything about free will? And who invited this guy? And Faith? .....Did you even read anything I wrote? Of course not, you're John Piper with a ph. d from a school that should have known better...At least understand faith outside of a definition that acts like faith is a blanket that covers up all the holes in what we say God/Truth is."</div>
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As they say in some parts: SMH.</div>
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<span data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;"><a data-mce-href="http://theologyofdunces.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/mark-driscoll.jpg" href="http://theologyofdunces.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/mark-driscoll.jpg"><img alt="" class="alignleft size-thumbnail wp-image-211" data-mce-src="http://theologyofdunces.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/mark-driscoll.jpg?w=130" src="http://theologyofdunces.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/mark-driscoll.jpg?w=130" height="150" style="float: left;" title="Mark-Driscoll" width="130" /></a>Name's</span> Mark Driscoll and on behalf of me, the Bible and God...<br />
<strong>Boyz Rule! Girls Drool!</strong><br />
<strong>AMERICA</strong><br />
<strong>POWER ENERGY DRINKs</strong><br />
<strong>GOD IS RAWWWWR!!!</strong></div>
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<b>Fin</b><br />
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<b>Postscript Summary:</b> The above is basically my attempt to call out the stupidity of Neo-Calvinists. Which yeah, don't worry about the term...<br />
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But basically, Ex-Apostolic males seem to have an unconscious gravitational pull once they leave the UPC. Basically they find that the UPC's logic about the truth isn't logical enough (true). And then shoot for the more logical theology (neo-calvinism).....which is even more wrong since it bases itself in cessationism.<br />
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Except they've never been educated on how to think for themselves. And that's the error. It's a sad world where the only "thinking" options are three authors who sell their books in barnes & nobles: Driscoll/Bell/N.T. Wright.<br />
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Those guys are cute and all.... but there's a reason why their theology makes sense: It's mucky muck.Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-44114118816772691972014-03-19T14:41:00.001-07:002014-03-19T14:41:53.204-07:00SAL Podcast, Episode 5: Music and How It Drives Us Crazy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Just saying you all look really lovely tonight. Every one of you. And I'm not just saying it. I really mean it. You are all ridiculously good looking....<br />
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And yeah we're a week late, but here is our fifth episode of the SAL. In this week's episode we shoot the bull about the ongoing love/hate relationship Apostolics have with music.<br />
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We ponder how in the world all those risque, erotic Christian songs get made, and just how many teaspoons of Satan there are in each secular album. And also manage to throw in a Home Alone 2 and Ghost reference for the cinema-minded audience out there.So please join us as we fight the fight of the good guys without the actual fighting part.<br />
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Most importantly,.... our next podcast will have special guest and fellow heretic, <a href="https://twitter.com/slapastolic">Slapastolic</a>... which, yeah.... that's happening...<br />
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And now here's your link you adorable audience you....<br />
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Logan T. Mileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473417026993729494noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-3497390813202422202014-03-05T17:49:00.001-08:002014-03-05T19:44:50.306-08:00SAL Podcast, Episode 4: Interview with Roy Fisher<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKGXwHeEuM2h3HddJ5KQOdin6z8MomOtrmiweeE8EFubplCVGr4SSA3fr6dM_haFhf2NRIEKrqsCM-9Q9itDl0x1NBNFdSfHNyuHa8pQJJqKbs7lXv-DBUpSc-xIyvcS9vYGSX5anFqzo/s1600/FOKN-Bois.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKGXwHeEuM2h3HddJ5KQOdin6z8MomOtrmiweeE8EFubplCVGr4SSA3fr6dM_haFhf2NRIEKrqsCM-9Q9itDl0x1NBNFdSfHNyuHa8pQJJqKbs7lXv-DBUpSc-xIyvcS9vYGSX5anFqzo/s1600/FOKN-Bois.jpg" height="425" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, this isn't us, we couldn't pick a good picture so we googled 'Radio Interview' and found this...soo.... close enough.</td></tr>
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SAL's been busy, Logan just bought Final Fantasy XIV and Joel just enrolled in the dollar shave club. (seriously, you gotta check out Dr Carver's easy shave butter)<br />
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Thankfully however, SAL still had time to sit down with a close friend of the podcast, Roy Fisher. For those unfamiliar, Roy Fisher hates titles. Roy Fisher is also not the author of this here blog, so he'll have to deal with some title attributing: Roy Fisher is all of these at the exact same moment (don't ask): He's a <i> </i>professor, a pastor, a patron of panoptic analysis, a postmodernist, and also a doctorate student in the Ancient Near-Eastern Studies department at UC-Berkeley where he studies <i>social memory and identity construction in early biblical interpretation</i>. His formal, bestowed title is "Dissident Apostolic Intellectual." Long story short: He's the Dude, man. And also know that Roy hates us right now for listing all that but we couldn't help ourselves. But beyond all this riff-raff, know this: Roy was Joel's dear professor once upon a time.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also, couldn't find a photogenic photo of Roy gracefully teaching Joel the word, so this should do.</td></tr>
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And so but like, Joel made a grievous error and forgot to properly locate the podcast participants within the world of social media.... But if you folk like what Roy has to say then follow him on twitter, because he's going to be launching some cool ideas/projects in the near future regarding his bricolage efforts vis-a-vis the apostolic movement (this will make sense once you listen to the podcast)...<br />
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Roy's twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/RoyalFisher" target="_blank">@RoyalFisher</a><br />
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And as always: <a href="https://twitter.com/ltmiles" target="_blank">@ltmiles</a> is Logan. And <a href="https://twitter.com/stuffaposlike" target="_blank">@stuffaposlike</a> is the generic brand.<br />
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Anywho, the boys talk about some pretty deep stuff below while Logan sits in the corner and plays with a yo-yo.<br />
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P.S. Roy is not to be confused with this guy.
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Logan T. Mileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473417026993729494noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-91653400923340850112014-02-24T12:06:00.000-08:002014-02-24T12:23:53.667-08:00SAL Podcast, Episode 3: Jeff Arnold: Poet, Magician, Disney Apologist, Demon Hunter, Heavy Metal Rockstar<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week Joel and Logan chatted about the myriad of shenanigans preachers attempt all in the name of killin the devil and makin sure we sheep get saved and stay saved, Bless GOD! Most of the men who were guilty of such hilarity always had two things in common: 1) They were all young whippersnapping bible college students. 2) In their bible college dorm room, instead of a Cindy Crawford or Pamela Anderson poster just spread out above their bed, it was a gigantic poster of Jeff Arnold with veins bulging out of his neck and it always looked as if he was about to take a metal folding chair and bash it over some random sinner's head.<br />
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But this of course was from a time long long ago. A time when the preaching was real. And the blood wasn't just ketchup. No sir. Back then, when you saw blood on the preacher, it was Real Preacher Blood. A time when church members would shout counter prophesies at each other, and all this just before the altar call erupted into in an all out royal rumble of people praying the devil out of each other until there was a real, genuine breakthrough which could only be certified with you being slain in the spirit right then and there at that very altar. This was the time of Jeff Arnold. A time when we wouldn't stare and scratch our head and cringe over every other sentence he spoke. Back then, Jeff Arnold seemed halfway sane.<br />
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This week at SAL, the boys talk about the profound, poetic quotes they discover on twitter attributed to JA, fan fiction, psychoanalytical thought processes, fundamental faith in the face of totalitarian political correctness, and Inner Circle's music and it's appropriateness at the present time.<br />
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I have a feeling we're going to need to update our life insurance policy after this one.<br />
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Also, for reference. <br />
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Well, I know Jesus. Good, the devil knows too. Your gonna accept Jesus but is Jesus going to accept you?<br />
— Jeff Arnold Quotes (@JArnoldQuotes) <a href="https://twitter.com/JArnoldQuotes/statuses/417876540320256000">December 31, 2013</a></blockquote>
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You can fall in love with Obama's bail out or your can embrace Jesus' come out.<br />
— Jeff Arnold Quotes (@JArnoldQuotes) <a href="https://twitter.com/JArnoldQuotes/statuses/417871228238430208">December 31, 2013</a></blockquote>
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"If you have a problem with Disneyland, you need to get SAAAAVED" - Jeff Arnold
<a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23FB&src=hash">#FB</a><br />
— Nathaniel Bushnell (@nathanieljb) <a href="https://twitter.com/nathanieljb/statuses/257636618909937664">October 15, 2012</a></blockquote>
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"<a href="https://twitter.com/JArnoldQuotes">@JArnoldQuotes</a>: People always tell me, I want to preach like you, what do I have to do?Oh that's easy...you just gotta fight my devils."BAM<br />
— Tyler Dunn (@tyjdunn) <a href="https://twitter.com/tyjdunn/statuses/256714496779894784">October 12, 2012</a></blockquote>
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script> </center>Logan T. Mileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473417026993729494noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-37138665671842502002014-02-19T10:49:00.001-08:002014-02-19T10:59:29.822-08:00SAL Podcast, Episode 2: Apostolic Preacher Shenanigans <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was once was a dude who was a real buzzkill at parties that would rock a mustache that looked like a Swiffer Duster® after a haggard trip through a really old Victorian house. He once said after a couple rounds of scotch and maybe a few episodes of Two and a Half Men, <i>'When you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.' </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That makes us here at SAL ponder what stares back at preachers when they stand nervously on the pulpit spitting lines into the abyss while dressed to the nines. Especially on the rare circumstance there's a black knight in the crowd who just doesn't get with the program. (Tis but a scratch!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instead of sending a couple fish to their door via FedEx, in this week's podcast we reminisce on some good ol' shenanigans preachers dabbled in while also coming to the realization of our own regret at not pursuing it as a profession ourselves.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Joel and Logan originally meant to talk about Mr. Magoo and other cartoon characters they enjoy watching on Saturday who also preach on Sunday. However, like all great fast food restaurant openings in the middle of the ghetto, we were sidetracked at first by cleaning up the welcoming graffiti and quarantining our bathroom after some middle school gang children performed an upper decker. In sum: We're talking preachers and naming names.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On Monday we'll post our third podcast: "Apostolic Preacher Shenanigans 2.0: Jeff Arnold Tribute edition." Which, is exactly like it sounds.</span><br />
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Logan T. Mileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12473417026993729494noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-88643344229958934762014-02-11T09:37:00.001-08:002014-02-19T10:23:44.023-08:00SAL Podcast, Episode 1: Apostolic Dating and its Discontents<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We at Stuff Apostolics Like have been in a mood lately. Like all drama all the time. Dead eyed and serious. Trade the t-shirt for the tie and think about the meaning of life and stuff. We even did some deep soul searching of the blog itself and gazed into it's very depths and found a glaring void in the precise space one would expect to find a soul. </div>
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And so we at SAL set out to create a shiny podcast to fill in that soulless void.</div>
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And lo, on the tenth of February in the precious Year of Our Lord 2014, Logan T. Miles and I forged the first Stuff Apostolics Like podcast episode which you can find below. There you will find Logan and I reminiscing about the joys and pangs of dating within the Apostolic realm, musings on online dating, a discursive analysis of David's methods of seduction, and a debate surrounding the merits of <u>Game of Thrones.</u></div>
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You can stream it below or if you want to put it on your little podcast playing devices, right click the link and hit "Save audio as" and then "Save."</div>
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Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-30694295991725897642014-01-30T13:20:00.002-08:002014-01-31T15:53:25.149-08:00#280-Jeff Arnold and His "Idiot" Friends. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So basically this happened last week at Because of the Times (no, not the Kings of Leon album, but the preacher's conference that was named after the album):<br />
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And by "this happened" I really mean a Jeff Arnold sermon-rant to formally announce his senility. Literally, the dude was Khrushchev slamming his shoe on a podium, a rambling Richard Sherman in a postgame interview, a conservative Michael "Shame on you Mr. Bush" Moore at the Oscars. In short, Jeff Arnold pulled a Kanye in front of anyone who matters in the UPC. And it's not like <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2012/10/263-making-commotion-general-conference.html" target="_blank">we didn't see it coming</a>.<br />
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For those who haven't been paying attention to Twitter or simply got wise enough to not really care one iota about the ongoing Reality TV tragicomedy that is the UPC, let me tell ya, you're missing a whole lot of chuckle moments.<br />
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But to catch you up to speed.. here's the run-down of Mr. Arnold's sermon:<br />
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-Confesses aspirations to be lauded by God as one of the greatest preachers of all-time.<br />
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-Confirms this greatness by unleashing what is allegedly one of the most homophobic and "hate your enemy" rants of all time. "Fag" was thrown about freely and not just for shock value but because he's Jeff Arnold and he reads his Bible, man. <i>(Proof of God's grace: God chose Arnold to be a preacher and not someone who can change much of anything. So thank God </i><i>Arnold is all talk, because if this guy found himself in some real kind of political position, there'd be no telling what kind of hate laws he'd be throwing around right about now. And no telling what kind of quack-job excuses people would come up with to defend this hypothetical, hate-mongering Congressman Arnold. )</i><br />
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<i>-</i>A nice little oratory aside that bashed that there Barack Hussein Obama. Which included a little throw-in that called African-Americans "darkies." And since the audio/video has been so generously cast to the Sea of Forgetfulness, we'll have to rely on a paraphrase of how Arnold used the term "Darkie": "What's the world coming to when you have darkies in the White House and whities working the cotton fields?"<br />
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And then to top it off... how bout his knockout punch: Calling our president a faggot.<br />
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I wish I were joking. But i'm not.<br />
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-The most entertaining tirade was aimed indirectly at John Maxwell by way of a revered UPCI
licensed minister... Specifically a Pastor Stan Gleason... and roll film:</div>
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To give you context: It was the unnamed Stan Gleason who purported to expound on John Maxwell's point earlier that evening. And it was this point that Arnold was alluding to when he decided to just go all guns a' blazin and call Gleason.... An Idiot<br />
<br />
Now cue our unofficial Jeff Arnold theme song to fully enhance your reading pleasure:<br />
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Because Of The Times 2014 somehow ended up being The Comedy
Central Roast Of Rev. Stan Gleason, except instead of funny it was just sad.
Not sad because a well-known and loved man was verbally accosted in front of a
couple G’s worth of people. Not even sad because it was like watching someone
advance two stages in Alzheimer’s before our very eyes. The saddest part is
what followed.</div>
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-Those seeking to purchase the anointed and soul-winning
word given that evening by Rev. Jeffrey “The Insult Comic” Arnold were told it
wouldn’t be available because “it’s being edited.” Shortly thereafter videos
posted or tweeted by attendees were requested to be taken down. A tweet went
out (reportedly, its since been removed, if anyone has a screen shot please
send it) which instructed people “not to tweet what Jeff Arnold is saying right
now.”<b><i> (*edit* an anonymous commenter sent us the picture. See below*)</i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
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<b><i><br /></i></b>
<br />
Luckily for your trusty Apostolic version of TMZ, we gots two of the vids
before the Christian NSA pulled them. Of course, one person commented, “Take
this down,” and I was DM’d on Twitter “In the name of Jesus take this down.”
Jesus on the mainline, tell him what you want! “Um yeah Jesus, can you get
these guys to delete a youtube video? Kthxbai!”<br />
<br />
The uploader of the video himself was sent a letter by one of the UPC big wigs asking him to like, you know, just like, in the name of all error passing under the blood, just you know, be a good sport and take it down because at the end of the day we are all brothers in Christ.<br />
<br />
And I'm all like, I don't want to be a part of any system where me and that there Jeff Arnold are "brothers in Christ."</div>
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Now, dear reader, you may think this post is all about the
wickity wack nonsensical freestyle Jeff was spitting. But Jeff throws
down with this veracity all the time. The troubling
thing is what the followed after the message..</div>
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If there’s one thing the UPCI is proud of it’s “the Truth.”
It’s on banners. It’s the subject of horribly written books. It’s the name. It’s an <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">identity.
</i>But somewhere along this narrative of truthiness, my homies in the UPC
ceased caring about being true. Being true to morals. Being true to ethics.
Being true to society. Loving true, serving true, speaking true. For Gods sake,
LIVING TRUE. </div>
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How does The Truth respond to a controversy? The same way
every crooked politician, every plundering banker, every despot and delinquent
does. They tried. To cover. It up. Like a cat burying it’s turd, they tried to
hide this turd of a sermon.</div>
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They could have let it stand on it’s own. We live and die by
our merit and given the opportunity, this festering piece of crap of a sermon
could have been eye rolled into obscurity and passed off as “well that’s just
Jeffy Pop, what do you expect?”</div>
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But what DO you expect POA? You know this guy. You know what
he’s capable of. In an increasingly ADD society. What do you think someone’s
going to do who thrives on being edgy? It’s 2014! He’s competing with Miley,
Kanye and another Scorsese coke-fest. He’d have to put on a donkey show to get
the same reactions he got twenty years ago and those reactions are like a drug
to the guy! He’s the washed up actress from when we were teenagers who shows
her naughty bits in Playboy just to keep the kids in private school!<br />
<br />
Does this sound profane to you?
Just following the lead of my favorite man of God, my bad.<br />
<br />
But let's take a real big step back and realize the bigger problem: It's not about just how much of hell's fury is permissible three years after you started becoming pastor. It's not about whether or not Arnold is anointed at this. And it's not even over whether or not the Truth is to be censored, BLESS GOD. Because that's all opinion, and somehow we believe having an opinion actually matters. In a world of FOX NEWS, MSNBC's, and rambling maniacal news broadcasters, opinion and commentary is all we watch and it's the only way we know how to communicate when something scandalous happens. I'm no different. And it feels icky just being one more voice out here kinda upset/kinda laughing real hard over this Arnold mess.... When all Arnold was really doing was spewing out politically incorrect opinions of his own. Really, opinions are boring and they distract from the bigger point:<br />
<br />
Jeff Arnold is a symptom of the UPC and not the cause of it's problems. More specifically, Mangun and the rest of the POA/BOTT leadership team were trying real hard to enact damage control to soften the blow of any resulting controversy over what Arnold said (sadly more people are pissed at Arnold's "Idiot" comment than really showing the slightest bit of concern that his hate speech may be causing more and more segregation in the Pentecostal ranks and likewise alienating any potential homosexual from coming back to the UPC).....<br />
<br />
But whichever old-man Arnold rant angers us the most, the point is the BOTT staff knew what they were getting into with Arnold and they facilitated it, because, "For a good sermon, Call Jeff at 555-QUACK." Arnold's entertaining. And Mangun gave BOTT what it really prizes: An entertainer. And sure the UPC may just like downplay the whole thing and say "Gleason and Arnold are friends and it's really just a bit of miscommunication is all." And that sounds all nice and cute and pretty, but don't fall for such rhetorical nonsense. Jeff Arnold's sermon is not the rare mishap. It's rather the bad apple that grew from a rotten tree. The UPC needs loud and obnoxious preachers to keep our attention and Arnold is just that. Otherwise we'd just quickly yawn and look at our watches and wonder when is this whole thing gonna end so I can go flirt with the girl of my dreams at Applebee's.<br />
<br />
But for now, we'll get a tranquilized/muzzled Jeff Arnold and the Pentecostal of Alexandria leadership team will put on it's smiling face and be all polite and shake your hand and when you bring up the Arnold sermon, they'll chuckle and change the conversation real fast. And it's gonna be boring. And we'll stop listening and look for the next Kanye/Arnold/Richard Shermon on youtube, and we'll laugh and get angry and really not care for the BOTT as much because they aren't producing that kind of reality tv show Jeff Arnold rant-a-thon anymore....<br />
<br />
But everyone will be cozy and the UPC will be able to quietly and gradually fade away. And this time, without comment.<br />
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<i><br /></i>Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com93tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-85048231073539885362013-11-06T23:29:00.002-08:002013-11-07T16:49:15.485-08:00#279-The UPCI Hates Children<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipvTB6SQ8y8uV0JE5VmLmFzRDvJSFjb7ODb7__8UG0X_km2xczRbdS_XIwcEmqJ4PYNT3myU6lxP7bUh6-SHZOrmiPaD7GomO6-DTTu5WCI_vpzG0P7EpYvrkYp2rGYTmDvVrpie9X2Vk/s1600/scolding.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipvTB6SQ8y8uV0JE5VmLmFzRDvJSFjb7ODb7__8UG0X_km2xczRbdS_XIwcEmqJ4PYNT3myU6lxP7bUh6-SHZOrmiPaD7GomO6-DTTu5WCI_vpzG0P7EpYvrkYp2rGYTmDvVrpie9X2Vk/s400/scolding.gif" width="311" /></a></div>
Friend points out through a friend I haven't posted in a long bit.... so let's do it:<br />
<br />
In school, gym was my favorite class. I was no jock. I just loved playing sports. I grew up, throughout high-school wearing pants in gym class.<br />
<br />
No biggie right? Until you get to high school and guys' testosterone goes all like whoa and I'm the tiniest kid in my grade and i'm the only boy wearing pants during gym class.....<br />
<br />
2 + 2 = I'm the target for all sexually repressed bully boys to get at.....<br />
<br />
I became "pants boy." I got punched many times over in gym class because I was such an easy target....and yeah I was even "pantsed" to the point that I was stripped down naked in front of my entire class simply because I was wearing pants because of my religious belief.<br />
<br />
But as for me, back then, as a confused kid... I thought such a kind of persecution was to be expected in the name of the Lord. Like Jesus Christ Himself you know?<br />
<br />
So I learned to keep my tears on hold as the girl I wanted to marry laughed at me as she saw me naked in gym class...just learned to be late to class after gym is all:<br />
<br />
Learn to just cry real quiet in the showers simply because I wore pants... because I was told by my pastor to wear pants... because that's what his bible told him to do is all....<br />
<br />
But all in the name of Christ right? And that's why I could deal with the tears. If Jesus cried for being killed, surely I could cry for having to wear pants, right?<br />
<br />
Learned to get a thick skin. Hoped it went away. Never went away. Dudes ask why I never wore pants. Tell them "My God wouldn't let me." They'd laugh and call me "faggot" and then pants me. That was the way man. I was a puny kid. And yeah it was as pitiful as it sounds. You get used to it to the point that when I hear about kids getting bullied I think to myself "I got through it, why can't they?!?" Doesn't make it right....<br />
<br />
And yeah... those insults, they never went away in high school. But it's okay... those bullies made me who I am right?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5IV93TXaGRhM0SfHOD5RWXpermLmexXUtFaxF-r8iAYJiLmkZH_wF9KZFLDr7eQz8uYTY-2Ii6zWNq8JR1VeuhWRcM4maIBgICroGi8C-JUTdQQlYBEqgXpd50YdZHosed7onWXopP5E/s1600/Kkk-carpetbagger-cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="440" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5IV93TXaGRhM0SfHOD5RWXpermLmexXUtFaxF-r8iAYJiLmkZH_wF9KZFLDr7eQz8uYTY-2Ii6zWNq8JR1VeuhWRcM4maIBgICroGi8C-JUTdQQlYBEqgXpd50YdZHosed7onWXopP5E/s640/Kkk-carpetbagger-cartoon.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(1868 ad against northerners moving down south)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
The KKK started in 1865.<br />
<br />
Does the year ring a bell?<br />
<br />
And I'm not talking about Lincoln....<br />
<br />
I'm talking about when the civil war was won for America. And the South lost. This is when the KKK started.<br />
<br />
Except some bitter southern folks with their panties in a bunch started the kkk. Started burning crosses.<br />
And up to a hundred years later were killing black men because <b>AMERICA WAS WHITE ANGLO-SAXON PROTESTANT FORGODSAKES! </b>And when things got strained, they killed black men who allegedly dated white women.<br />
<br />
FOR GOD AND COUNTRY?<br />
<br />
And I'm not about to compare our age with what has come before us....<br />
<br />
But I'm just saying, there were people who thought they were in the right and in God's will within the past century.....<br />
<br />
But like.... I have an older sister who has the sensibility to do her due diligence in figuring out what she was supposed to believe and ....<br />
<br />
come on UPCI: (from their website)<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 12px; margin-top: 12px; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>Boy Scouts of America. As you have probably heard, the Boy Scouts recently voted to open its membership to boys who openly profess to be homosexual. The General School Division oversees our scouting program, and they are working on a suitable alternative for our churches. In the meantime the Executive Board adopted the following statement, which is available at www.upci.org:</i></b></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 12px; margin-top: 12px; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>"The UPCI welcomes everyone to attend its churches and to participate in worship events. At the same time, the UPCI teaches that sexual relationships outside the marriage of one man and one woman are contrary to God's will. Moreover, the UPCI rejects the belief that people should define their identity by sexual predispositions, temptations, or acts that are contrary to the Word of God. Recently, the Boy Scouts of America changed its policy to provide for the acceptance of members who openly proclaim a homosexual identity, and local troops are required to implement this policy. The UPCI opposes this policy because it categorizes homosexuality as an essential identity, thereby indicating that homosexual activity is an acceptable moral choice for Christians."</i></span><br />
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And it's cool, real cool to have your own identity:<br />
<br />
Boys freak out at boys who wear pants when they think they should wear shorts.<br />
<br />
Girls freak out at girls when they should get a hair cut.<br />
<br />
Adults freak out a blacks for being sub-human. And then decide to kill them....<br />
<br />
Adults make it real understood that if you're a boy and you may like other boys, you aren't welcome here. And if you're a girl who may be likes girls... well screw you! Get out! And if you're parents are in the UPC? Say nothing. Say nothing about what you are feeling in your confusion as a kid. Because if you're a cool kid looking for the truth, you'll be straight!!!! No hurt feelings!. LOL<br />
<br />
Commit those kids to a gutter why don't you...Wait no, commit them to hell before they even have a chance to express themselves...<br />
<br />
All in the name of the Boy Scouts of America folding on hating on kids who think they may be gay...<br />
<br />
<br />
Seriously?!? Seriously?!?<br />
<br />
Who is the UPC's Jesus at this point? Other than a Jesus whose looking to make money off the failure of the Boy Scout's own homophobia gone-a-wry?<br />
<br />
And let's think...<br />
<br />
real hard now...<br />
<br />
As a kid who grew up in the UPC who got pantsed naked in front of a class of 40 kids as I was called faggot because I wore pants.....<br />
<br />
Let's think about persecution....<br />
<br />
Let's think about what it feels like... the soar bump in your throat you hold back as a confused 12 year old kid... looking for anyone...trying not to cry<br />
<br />
Dear God.. I was looking for love. I was looking for a hug. Holding back that bump in your throat for two years:<br />
<br />
And suddenly you're a 14 year old boy who was supposed to be a man but could only give you a choked-up explanation of why I looked like a fool on an 85 degree day all in the name of Christ....<br />
<br />
And by the time your 14, you learn to take the punches and bow your head and then nod a little and say.... so this... this is how it goes? The tears are dead by then...<br />
<br />
And yeah man, it was embarrassing.... But long-term it was fine. Didn't mind...<br />
<br />
And you find out years later.... you got friends who suffered way more than you. Years where those friends couldn't even express the pain that I could express to my youth group.<br />
<br />
And these were my best friends. People you could hug and do a jig with and then make fun of each other about without worrying what each person thought....The friends that literally want nothing other than a friday night than to just hang out for the sake of having a laugh and having no worries and just enjoying communion as brothers and enjoying acting as awkward human beings unsure of how to behave as Oneness Pentecostals....<br />
<br />
You find out those friends went through a hell of a lot more because they were gay. And grew up in the same denomination that you did. And while I felt bad about myself about wearing pants when other kids were wearing shorts, my friends were raised being told they were going to hell forever....<br />
<br />
So like when you're out to hurt someone we understand trying to make fun of it...<br />
<br />
But when you're a religious denomination representing the truth of Christianity and there on your very website is a paragraph about how you're out to banning confused boys if they think they are possibly gay?!?<br />
<br />
And this is why the UPC reminds me of a 13 year old bitter child who realizes that no girls like them.....</div>
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<div style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
Let's be rational human beings? Who wrote that paragraph? And until that paragraph is retracted let's do the UPC a favor and let them know that if they want to go to heaven, they'll have to stop hating on children:</div>
<div style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7 Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-Jesus (Matthew 18:6-7)</span></div>
<br />
Let's extract: If you're a barrier to children finding Christ because you're banning them from a cool kid's group with "NO GAYS ALLOWED!" Then you're probably going to hell... (verse 6)<br />
<br />
And if you're getting all pissy and cranky because the world is offending you (e.g. "Gays can get married!), and you react to the offenses of the world... Jesus has an outright "Woe!" for you...(verse 7)<br />
<br />
In conclusion: The UPCI is going to Super Hell and in the mean time Jesus is all like "woe! This is some screwed up immature nonsense you guys!"<br />
<br />
Because, when you're claiming to be the Full Truth.... there's nothing sadder than turning away gay kids before they even have the chance to be redeemed by that truth. Like why be so insecure UPC? If our church pastors and ministers are so confident about the efficacy of their Truth and are secure in their heterosexuality, what does it hurt to have a ministry that openly embraces gay people? It's not like they're going to turn you gay?<br />
<br />
But instead you have the UPCI with all it's sassiness wanting to keep the strange face of a homosexual as far away as possible because there's nothing worse than talking to them and realizing that gay people are human too.Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-85187749205738366152013-08-23T01:09:00.002-07:002013-08-23T20:54:25.340-07:00#278 -Holy Magic Hair as a cure for the HIV<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week, I posted a status about a Youth Congress sermon about the HIV and uncut hair and people thought I was being satirical. And as much as I wish it was a farce, it truly wasn't...</div>
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Youth Congress did happen. And by all accounts it was youth congress: Except even more boring. </div>
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However, there was the usual lot of screaming preachers with angry hand gestures. And these preachers talked about how important their beliefs were in spite of the truth: No one really cared except for the kids who were there, and most of them seemed to care too much about the hype and too little thinking about what was said.</div>
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Of course there was some fornicating, dancing, and tears.... all expected. All monotonous. All boring.... aka the same thing I predicted about 2011 Youth Congress ended up being very true about <a href="http://youtu.be/00pXsx7XyuU" target="_blank">2013 Youth Congress as well</a>...</div>
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And all was well with the world....</div>
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With the Holy Exception that was James Maroney. It was he who was preaching in his home-state of Kentucky last week. And it was he who had all the expectations of the Youth Congress world fall on his shoulders. It was he who would not disappoint. And by "not disappoint" I really mean it was he who would carry the future of the UPC on his back in one single sermon....</div>
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Because from the porch of a plantation (Kentucky being the last state to free the slaves), James Maroney announced that he officially hates the devil:</div>
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And that was towards the end of the allegedly inspired and ridiculously obvious content that was preached that night....</div>
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<a href="http://youtu.be/r8Wm4LPQssQ" target="_blank">The entire sermon can be found here </a>since the embedding is disabled. But if you listen for too long you'll feel your brain slowly deteriorate as if it was watching an MTV reality television show:</div>
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But if you want the Sparknotes version of Maroney's entire sermon, realize this is the overall conclusion: </div>
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Unfortunately for Maroney the previous quote from his sermon wasn't the dumbest thing he said. </div>
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He did have far more laughable crap to shoot out of his mouth. In fact he delivered the single dumbest testimony I've ever heard in church:</div>
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If you didn't get the above message, here it is:</div>
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We have found the cure to the HIV. And lucky for us it has nothing to do with biology or science or the New York Times crossword puzzle. In fact all the billions of dollars spent on HIV research over the past thirty years was totally a non-factor. Because the cure to the HIV you see, was in the hair:</div>
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Uncut hair to be exact.</div>
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Forget protected sex. Forget abstinence. Forget science. Forget bestiality even.</div>
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The surest way to prevent the HIV and to cure it is uncut hair. </div>
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Problem with the scientific community: They forgot to ask us of Apostolic fame what exactly God wanted the cure to be. </div>
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Because God's answer to the HIV is a bold and proud, loud shout: "UNCUT HAIR!"</div>
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And don't call it magic hair. Because it's a medical solution: Just don't cut your hair ladies. And the good Lord, He is with you. (If you're a dude nurse, I'm so so sorry but there's no hope).</div>
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James Maroney does not give two flips whether or not you think he's crazy, because the proof is in the pudding. And by pudding, I mean the proof is in the uncut hair...</div>
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<b>Forget the fact that this kind of needle pricking thing from an HIV victim happens to nurses over 16,000 times a year. Forget the fact that of those 16,000 nurses who end up pricked with HIV contaminated needles, that 0.45% of all those nurses end up with HIV (source from an ivy league institution <a href="http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/hiv-needle-stick" target="_blank">found here</a>). </b></div>
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<b>That means out of 16,000 nurses who run into the problem that Maroney's nurse runs into, only 72 at the very most end up with HIV. </b></div>
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But Maroney says forget the number crunching FORGAWDSAKES! Forget the stats. Forget the research. Forget the math. Forget the science. James Maroney has discovered the cure for the HIV apparently.</div>
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If James Maroney said it, it must be true, right? It's the uncut hair that saved the women's life. And that's just how miracles work okay?!?</div>
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Miracles work at a .45% rate these days. And that's the Maroney MAGIC HAIR LINE!</div>
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It's science. Complex Einstein stuff right here.</div>
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And let's forget about how stupid God must be if he's really up in heaven watching all these kids born with HIV in Africa die out simply because they or their mother didn't have uncut hair (2.2 million people die of AIDS annually).</div>
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As much as one testimony sounds real cool and can get a bunch of youth riled up, let's think about the bigger consequences of what this ignorant preacher is saying: It's not about research or science or millions of unjust deaths: It's about the HAIR!</div>
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If you didn't catch that, I'm implying that Maroney is a flat out idiot.
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The UPC should be ashamed of itself if it doesn't condemn such nonsense. There used to be many ministers in the UPC talking against the Magic hair doctrine and somehow their voices have been silenced in the past years. All the while idiots like Dr. Maroney get to spout their hateful, ignorant doctrines.</div>
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Talk to your pastors and let them know that as fun as an uncut hair/HIV testimony sounds, that it's simply hateful and unbiblical. </div>
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And either that Maroney guy goes to hell in his imbecilic Southern arrogance (assuming he doesn't repent for his heresy), or I'm happily whistling my way to hell myself.... Because there's no way a merciful God exists who promotes such self-aggrandizing apostolic identity boasting venom. </div>
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<br />Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-43522971216864082152013-08-18T23:43:00.000-07:002013-08-18T23:46:46.397-07:00#277- Half-Church<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY7CJ0VSHtrNkmhDSkPAiu7KPeZvhc3WypIKYanjzMQczfldx1MBtn6JaSLr6R5pybTmgJyKvqI_lcgqykCWePuCWQZhAU8z2RDmw1xdtBoYbTeWH8_0MYneNgi6Q0VsA9lnSgpgpRIwU/s1600/269419480-190058381.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY7CJ0VSHtrNkmhDSkPAiu7KPeZvhc3WypIKYanjzMQczfldx1MBtn6JaSLr6R5pybTmgJyKvqI_lcgqykCWePuCWQZhAU8z2RDmw1xdtBoYbTeWH8_0MYneNgi6Q0VsA9lnSgpgpRIwU/s640/269419480-190058381.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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(credit for post-title goes to someone who probably does not want to be named around these parts)...</div>
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What is half-church? Imagine watching a rated R movie you have no business watching while you're parents are asleep. Imagine sneaking into one of those demon-houses aka movie theaters. Imagine all those YUCKY conversations Pentecostal girls have during bachelorette parties. Imagine make-up on the girls and boys listening to some gangsta rap circa 1994...... Imagine swearing when you're angry and fornicating in your car. Imagine all of this... </div>
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and then imagine that God comes and visits you after any and all of these sins and says, "You know what?!? No big deal. Actually, I'm all for your secret sins. In fact, don't worry about hiding it next time. You do you and enjoy it." and then God starts to walk away but right before he heads back up to heaven he turns back to you and says "YOLO!!!!" And he's gone.</div>
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And then imagine the feeling you would feel after God told you he was cool with all of those imaginative sins... And then you can begin to understand what Half-Church is. </div>
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Half-Church is in short: In and all boring-to-fun activities that are sanctioned by the church during regularly scheduled church time, but are in fact not church. In other words: Special Church Presentations. AKA "Half-Church."</div>
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Examples: </div>
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<li>Church picnics. </li>
<li>Bathroom breaks. </li>
<li>Church dramas.</li>
<li> Missionary media presentations with the lights out. </li>
<li>Church naps. </li>
<li>Children's dramas.</li>
<li>Kid Choir</li>
<li>Promotion Sunday</li>
<li>Christmas plays</li>
<li>Sanctuary Laughter en masse.</li>
<li>The bequeathing of certificates (e.g. baptismal, holy ghost, "Most likely to backslide," etc...)</li>
<li>Church softball</li>
<li>Changing poopy diapers in the nursery and gossiping amongst the other mothers. </li>
<li>Church Skits</li>
<li>Fire Drills (yes, I swear this happened more than once at my old church)</li>
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Half-Church is basically experiencing feelings and emotions during church that would normally not be permitted within the perimeters of an ordinary church service And yet because it's Half-Church, you don't have to feel bad for feeling these feelings of joy and relief and comfort. </div>
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Why do we like half-church so much? Because we don't have to bear the burden of trying to Get God. Nor do we have to worry about acting like we're trying to get God. Nor do we have to worry about anyone else much less the time because we're all here and we're all having a great time of camaraderie thank you very much.... </div>
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Unlike talking in church during the sermon, half-church never ever wants you to feel bad for having a good time. Because Pentecostals and Pastor himself can let loose sometimes you see?!? Don't you dare say we ApoPento's don't know how to have fun. Because we do. We have inflatable devises during church picnics!!!</div>
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Half-church is a vacation from church during church and it's all authorized by God Himself. And that's why we wild ApoPento's love us some Half-Church.</div>
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It's like Miley Cyrus' "We Can't Stop" song except without all the references to sin. </div>
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<br />Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-43292204111235651902013-06-05T16:43:00.000-07:002013-06-05T19:07:49.801-07:00#276- Trying to forget that the music we sing is from someone who is going to hell.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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(topic suggested by dear friends)</div>
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I am like you. I had that same revelation. It was a very irritating moment of revelation. I was in church when I realized almost every worship and choir song I had been singing was written by someone who does not believe they need to speak in tongues to get to heaven.... and if we're following the logic here, this meant I was probably singing a song that was written by someone who by all accounts is going to hell...</div>
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After much headache, here's the five possible solutions you can take to resolve this dilemma...</div>
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<b>Options:</b></div>
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1) You can become that punitive cynical Pentecostal who continues to go to church that supports the Acts 2:38 message, but behind closed doors you tell all your friends that you don't believe Oneness Pentecostals will be the only one's saved and that it's not our purpose to judge other people's salvation while here on earth.</div>
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Which means = Cowardly Christianity. </div>
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You support a church's judgments about Acts 2:38 but act like it's not as serious as what Oneness Pentecostal preachers make it out to be. In other regions of the world we call this decaffeinated Christianity. I call it castrated Christianity.</div>
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It's like those silly UPCers who say cutting your hair is not a heaven/hell issue... Which is dumb. Because if it's a sin like all other sins, it's hateful to pretend like God won't hold people accountable if they are sinning.</div>
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Either hair cutting is a sin, and it's a heaven-hell issue OR it's not a sin and if it's not a sin it's absolutely heretical and sinful to make it a standard about holiness.</div>
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2) You could reason that while most songs are written by non-Pentecostal worship leaders, it is true that God can use people without the Holy Ghost to write great music that will be used in Oneness Pentecostal churches. In other words, the whole "if God can speak through a donkey" bit....</div>
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The key will be to ignore that God seems to have a weird plan where he never bothers to let the non-Pentecostal songwriter that he needs to speak in tongues and yet at the same time never inspire an Apostolic Pentecostal songwriter to write a song that is anything as close to being as good as the music that comes from non-Pentecostal Christian church.</div>
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Which means = God is severely misguided about where he's placing his anointing.</div>
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3) You could hope beyond hope that Oneness Pentecostals get their act together and actually write songs that are as anointed as the non-Pentecostal worship music. In other words.... music like this.....</div>
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Which is just downright encouraging....</div>
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Until you realize that this song completely ripped off a country song that has swear words in it.</div>
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But <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2011/01/218-writing-pentecostals-songs-that-rip.html">we've made this whole point before</a>. (Tell that Haney character that we're on to his shenanigans) </div>
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4) Consider the whole ordeal a test of your faith and/or Satan.<br />
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5) Take that thought about non-Pentecostals writing all the music your church uses and throw it into the sea of forgetfulness and hope it never resurfaces. </div>
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It's easier this way.</div>
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Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-91354028049425664022013-05-09T09:13:00.000-07:002016-06-18T01:59:00.960-07:00#275 - Poop Showers and Prison Beds<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Editor's Note: Glen Post!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">A little ditty to brighten your day...</span></div>
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<iframe frameborder="no" height="80" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F89401035" width="50%"></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I can only
base the following on one facility in one state, my home state, so bare with my narrow
scope.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Growing up
in the Michigan District UPCI one of the highlights of my adolescence was the
two hour drive across the state to the middle of East Jabip somewhere, to the
‘Ol Campground.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A glorious
beaut’ she was, settled just between Mayberry and Nowhere. I can’t be
downwind of an outhouse today without being taken aback to summers getting
shocked by the showerheads, sleeping on rusty beds, and
the sweet aroma of Right Guard, Aussie and sweat.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That’s just
the beginning of the painting. I’m ‘bout to go Rembrandt in this mother...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Our camp was
a little bit Heavens Gate and a lotta bit Auschwitz. It sat on roughly 100
acres in a clearing between some railroad tracks and an old creek. It was built
sometime between the invention of indoor plumbing and the founding of the
Department of Health, which would explain why they've probably never seen the
place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The dorms
are two buildings that are built like X’s with a bathroom at the center. Each
arm of the X is its own dorm, with North, South, East and West dorms each
housing about 50 kids. The boys and girls are next to each other, though
separated by a high tech invention called a Rickety Fence.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sounds fine
right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">No.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These things were built over 50 years ago and I’m pretty sure they filmed Shawshank Redemption in them. The beds were donated by Jackson
Prison, which is a hop, skip and belly crawl away. Yeah you read that right,
the prison there donates to the church because having rapists sleep on those
sharp, rusty, chlamydia soaked beds is just inhumane.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">However
that’s not the worst. The bathrooms. After years of countless conversations
about them, I'm almost at a loss for what to say. Almost. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fact: </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The
bathrooms are like a Mexican jail, with less luxuries. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fact: Enjoy el Prision de Mexico. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The pipes
and septic tank were installed when the place was built (60 years ago). They’re installed in a part of the country that sits below freezing for seven months out of the year, with routinely record snowfalls, torrential storms, all
hitting this facility while it sits vacant. Then, it goes from vacant to
overrun for about 2-3 months with constant use, if not abuse. The plumbing has
become so corroded that after just a few days of use, the toilets literally
can’t flush. This means the clogging of the century in the the dorms as well as the tabernacle. The showers in the dorms are lined
up with one community drain which would routinely clog when one of the little prick campers thought it would be hilarious
to defecate IN the shower (true story, imagine being the camp counselor when a shaking 14 year old tries to figure out the best way to tell you someone just took a deuce in the shower). And the pooping in showers happened annually. No Joke.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One year so many toilets clogged that our youth president had to go into the stalls with a trash can and a plastic bag on his hand and literally dig crap out of the toilets while simultaneously throwing up in the trash can. And the people running the place think this is acceptable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I could go
pages with disgusting stories of the condition of the grounds but I think that
little tidbit gives you the idea.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, if this
is the case and the campers sleep and bathe in squalor where does the
bourgeoisie…sorry, Freudian…<i>preachers…</i>where
do they sleep? Oh they have renovated, clean, pretty cabins that the campers
aren’t allowed to go to. (Seriously, if they do an old guy on a 4 wheeler runs them down and drags them back to Skid Row)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But they’re
still on the grounds right? Don’t they ever go in and see the conditions?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My first
time at camp was when I was 11 years old and it wasn’t until I was 25 and my
student pastor basically <i>forced</i> the
board to do a walk through that I’d ever seen any of them near the dorms and bathrooms, much
less in them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A few years
ago we went from a five-day camp to a three-day camp following the supposed
death of some mystery girl in another state somewhere. The reason cited was
that she had stayed up all week and had to drive home tired, fell asleep and
crashed. I hope this isn’t true and if it is it’s terrible. So after the tragedy we changed the schedule, sending kids home on Friday morning so they wouldn't fall asleep driving. That same year I
was told that the real reason for the switch was that five-day camps require a
health inspection and three-day camps can somehow circumvent this rule, or at least require a less thorough one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The implications: It's like cleaning up your room by sweeping everything under your bed in hopes that when your parents walk by with an inspection, they won't bother to <i>actually </i>walk in the room since they don't have reason for concern.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I may be wrong, but I doubt it. So I encourage any readers to comment with how many days
your Senior High Camps are just so we can see if there’s consistency. Either way it was mentioned either as the reason or a fringe benefit. Ew.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We hoped that change would come. We hoped that at the end of the yearly camp season the grandiose fundraising effort that took place for camp
improvements would actually accomplish what it set out every time to do. The “who will pledge $____” for a generator, a new septic tank,
new dorms, dorm renovations, an overflow tent, etc were regular. So we hoped...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">However,
despite the seemingly successful offerings every year we never saw any money raised actually come to fruition. I was present for the septic
tank offering, the new bathrooms, the tent and the generator, but none of this
ever came. Even though all the money was pledged.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We did see
$25K spent on a glorified jungle gym under the guise of some kind of exercise
equipment, because kids go to camp to get ripped apparently. We saw another
$50K spent on a ‘Hall of Faith’, aka foyer because what good is a church if
there isn’t a big room to socialize and sell ostentatious crap during the preaching?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It was
decided one year that enough money had been raised for some bathroom
improvements. The improvements? Well, the church handymen got together
and decided that putting new toilets on ancient plumbing would help. Guess what? It didn't.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The next genius improvement was decided because there was a 3 foot opening between the bathrooms and dorms. In lieu of this campers could see each other going between the dorms and bathrooms after showering. Since the decision-makers believe we still live in the 40's and horny teenagers don't know what shoulders and knees look like from 50 yards off, a decision was made to build changing rooms in the bathrooms. So, wisely, in the hottest and most humid rooms in Southwest Michigan were built <i>wooden </i>changing rooms. Wood. In a hot, continually wet, place. Brilliant.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The most obvious answer to why the fundraised money was never spent on it's intended purpose is that not enough money was collected. People go pledge all happy-pants when there's an organ thumping a G-Major (apo's love key changes), but forget to check their balance before pledging half their liquid worth. That's not the camp leadership's fault, but waiting for Pastor Billy-Jo's check to arrive, much less clear, is a bad long term economic strategy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I don’t
believe anyone embezzled or stole money from these fundraising efforts. I spent
a lot of time at camp and I can tell you the people who run it love camp. They
bleed for it. They spend as much time as they possibly can there. They're some of the most diligent, kindest, most dedicated men you'll ever meet. They're full of integrity, they're consistent and they love the kids they work for. They have
good intentions and do their best. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But their
best isn't good enough.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">About eight
years ago my church built a new building. They wanted to be smart about their
money and the management of the facilities so they formed a committee of a few
business owners in the church. Not preachers, pastors or ministers, but
business owners. One is a very successful owner of a company who
started entry level and advanced to the point that he bought his company.
Another owns a successful insurance company. The other one owns malls. Plural.
The ministry opened their books and let men who are <i>already successful </i>and <i>experienced
</i>with facilities, money and staff management serve as advisors. Instead of
thinking “God will tell us what to do with the money,” they humbled themselves
and allowed other men with God given talents advise them. And guess what? The
place is doing great.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Being a
pastor does not mean you know money or facilities management. It doesn't mean
you’re a bad person or a bad pastor. What makes a bad person and bad pastor is
not allowing more qualified people than you to advise your spending decisions regarding a million dollar facility that you’re ill-equipped
to manage. Let the preachers preach and the managers manage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Waiting for
the next retiree who knows how to mow a lawn and change a light bulb to move
onto the grounds and ‘maintain it’ isn't enough. Camp gets exponentially worse
every summer. When is someone going to be granted control who knows what
they’re doing? Hiring the bored old guys and the mentally handicapped to come in
and paint and patch the dry wall cracks every spring isn't good management. Hire a contractor Not the guy from your church who used to do construction part time. (I once went to a camp work day and was literally told to go rake in the woods. If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the decision making in the place I don't know what would)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For years
now I’ve tossed around the idea of waiting for the end of camp season to roll
around and calling the Department of Health and Human Services or Child Welfare
and sending them over, but my conscience won’t let me. However, anyone who
reads this should feel free. Blame me, I don’t care.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The bottom
line is that adolescent kids are sent to church camp every summer and they
spend their days begging a PK friend to let them use their shower so they won’t
be ankle deep in crap and that’s absolutely unacceptable. It’s time for the
leaders to realize they’ll still be leading, even if they’re leading in someone
more qualified to audit the grounds.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><b>::END NOTE::</b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><b>If you are, or you know, a parent sending a child to the Michigan District Campgrounds this summer you and/or they need to make some serious inquiries as to the conditions your children will be subjected to. Go there and see it for yourself, when dropping off and picking up. Take pictures. Have them take pictures. These conditions have somehow come to be accepted as normal. The kids don't speak up because they assume it's supposed to be the way it is. The adults that see it have gotten used to it. Parents end up unaware of the squalor their kids spend a week or two in. Start asking some questions.</b></i></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-46827185168890782792013-05-06T00:53:00.002-07:002013-05-06T01:01:40.659-07:00#274-The Pray Cry<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuzpbBzNEOXaYsfSkarnYmMOhCvF3Dq2w76KEPsGTbI3vOMv64QusJLFP_jPZIAFY2jJH-Yhyphenhyphena10VhGNY27uLHsri0bZGkz6UxDhOjxB0MJaFa66X_p1QpB_XBhzAXkRjcKOzEw3jI_uo/s1600/crying_baby-1680x1050.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuzpbBzNEOXaYsfSkarnYmMOhCvF3Dq2w76KEPsGTbI3vOMv64QusJLFP_jPZIAFY2jJH-Yhyphenhyphena10VhGNY27uLHsri0bZGkz6UxDhOjxB0MJaFa66X_p1QpB_XBhzAXkRjcKOzEw3jI_uo/s640/crying_baby-1680x1050.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
<br />
ApoPento's excel at many fine activities in comparison to other Christians. One of them is crying. We love crying. We need it. It's an addiction. There are five times as many criers per capita within the UPC as there are in other denominations. Some call this the work of the Holy Ghost that other denominations do not experience because they don't have the Holy Ghost. Other, more optimistic people, call the excessive crying "catharsis." Others call this "being a cry baby."<br />
<br />
I call it: Being a cry baby with a Purpose!<br />
<br />
Feeling bad? How about an altar cry?<br />
Feeling good? Dance, and then cry after excessive energy use.<br />
Have you heard a song that says God wants to kiss you? Have a cry.<br />
Minor chords in the worship song? Close your eyes, look up to the ceiling and have a cry.<br />
Did you touch someone else inappropriately? Have an altar cry.<br />
Did someone touch you inappropriately? Have an altar cry and then blame the dude.<br />
Did you get caught doing something that gets you kicked off the platform? Have an altar cry.<br />
Are you a pastor? Then Don't cry. Be a man!<br />
Are you an evangelist? Passionately cry during the sermon to get others to have a good altar cry.<br />
Are you a woman? Have a cry.<br />
Are you thrice divorced and possibly crazy? Here's an altar cry for you. Once a week, for three straight months.<br />
<br />
I remember being a pentecostal youth. I'd go up to those jungle altar calls scared as heck as what I would encounter. But I also knew that if I didn't up to the Jungle-Call, people would like at me as rebellious, which was the last thing I needed.....<br />
<br />
So I'd get real pissy that I didn't know how to play instruments to excuse me from the jungle altar call and then slide, all slowly up to the altar, waiting & knowing exactly what was going to come next....<br />
<br />
And Boom! The masses were upon, little, confused me. Praying for my breakthrough.<br />
<br />
And in my heart of hearts, I would wonder, what can I do to get these weirdo's off me?<br />
<br />
True story.<br />
<br />
And so like, what can you do when you're surrounded by the Holy Roman Empire of Altar Calls Heroes? How to get these vampires off you....<br />
<br />
You could...<br />
<br />
Option A) Dance<br />
Option B) Cry<br />
Option C) Speak in Tongues<br />
<br />
The weird thing is all three are not equal.<br />
<br />
In fact.... If you were to settle on speaking in tongues, it was expected that you add something else into the mix. Some kind of emotion. Because speaking in tongues without emotion made you seem autistic and psychopathic. So you had to speak in tongues <i>and </i>do something else.<br />
<br />
The same goes for dancing. Unless you can dance for like 15 minutes straight. If not, prepare to be bombarded again.<br />
<br />
Yet, having a good Pray Cry at the altar was sufficient all in it's own. No need to dance. No need to speak in tongues. Just have yourself a cry there and you'll be good... The altar vampires won't deal with you too long after....<br />
<br />
But here's where it gets weird...<br />
<br />
I remember being at Youth Congress some years back.... and I was a confused, hurt dude. I had just gotten out of a break-up. And I also remember that being all of 21 years old that I knew needed to grow-up and stop caring so much about break-ups. Yet, I had grown up in a religion that coddled emotions and having emotional outbursts....<br />
<br />
She broke up with me on the phone just before the night service.<br />
<br />
I was hurt. Didn't tell anyone though. Went through the motions during the service. I don't even remember the sermon or who preached it. But I do remember the altar call.....<br />
<br />
And I remember just sitting down in my seat and praying real nice and kinda choking up to God about whatever it was that I thought the service was about......<br />
<br />
And badda-bing-badda-boom, five minutes later, I'm having a Pray-Cry.<br />
<br />
And by now, a pray-cry thing was not to be expected out of me. Since I was 21 and supposed to be all grown up. And yet there I was having a pray-cry and then these peeps starting surrounding me and I'm all embarrassed because I know deep down that I'm just crying because my heart's overly-reacting to a stupid break-up and yet now all my friends are gathered around me using me as their excuse why they don't have to pray since they're so focused on my pray-cry going on....<br />
<br />
And thinking about the whole scene made me cry even more.... In fact, I started bawling... partially out of embarrassment. Partially out of break-up.... and partially just because it felt really really satisfying to have a pray-cry right there at that particular service at Youth Congress.....<br />
<br />
And like I'm just bawling...rivers, floods, tsunami's... whatever it was falling out of my eyes, it wasn't healthy.<br />
<br />
And I keep going. My shoulders trembling... eyes are a wreck...scary red eyes by now. Hair's messed up somehow. I was a sight to behold that's for sure.... And by now, that creepy youth pastor I had at the time is even gathered above me using me as his excuse to not worry about his own soul, which at the time, was busy trying to collect all the local apo-pretty girls into his hot-tub back home....<br />
<br />
Okay, I'm getting carried away....<br />
<br />
I guess my point is: I cried a lot and prayed very little that night. It was probably a good half hour's worth of Cry and it was unacceptable. And the thing was, I was doing it for a myriad of reasons... but if I'm being sincere about that moment, it wasn't just "All about God." In fact God and the sad music were the excuse to "let it all out" from everything that I considered stressful in my life.... Sure it was relieving. But I would be dumb to call that a "life-changing moment where I realized God was calling me...."<br />
<br />
Except ....<br />
<br />
That's what I did:<br />
<br />
Afterwards, I told people that "I felt like God definitely had a strong pull on my life now" as a result of that prayer....<br />
<br />
(whatever that means)<br />
<br />
And when I got back home after congress, that pervert of a youth pastor bragged to my pastor that I had a real time spent with God deep in prayer.....<br />
<br />
And my pastor congratulated me on that time where I bawled my eyes out at Youth Congress during a later altar-call pray-time, which caused me to all of a sudden cry again...<br />
<br />
But this time was not because he was right to congratulate me.<br />
<br />
Rather it was then, with my pastor congratulating me during that last altar-cry that I realized how insincere this whole pray-cry business was....<br />
<br />
I realized our pastors were getting reports on how good or bad we were at youth congress based on whether or not someone cried at the altar, even if that youth congress pray-cry was actually due to stupid immaturity after a minor break-up.<br />
<br />
.<br />
<br />Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-3034618269153682772013-04-30T17:50:00.003-07:002013-04-30T18:03:35.821-07:00#273- Matt Maddix (And how to sell souls for money)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUhZG2tds2rYZDSE7_-cd6rp9LYIURnOoUzFlKa9RmX-TqPNipgI_eD8tydowweDo9dw32glopYGBXst4H4pnhOZWvXE9LLmmxauzrHJog8SnR4_lXx7GAV7kxs6cvAa5gDUejG3-WTzo/s1600/MM_store.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUhZG2tds2rYZDSE7_-cd6rp9LYIURnOoUzFlKa9RmX-TqPNipgI_eD8tydowweDo9dw32glopYGBXst4H4pnhOZWvXE9LLmmxauzrHJog8SnR4_lXx7GAV7kxs6cvAa5gDUejG3-WTzo/s1600/MM_store.JPG" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<i>Editor's Note- When you search Apostolic in Google, this site is the fifth page that pops up. So thank you for continually visiting, even when I'm off in some netherworld totally neglecting my duty to the Truth of the Oneness Pentecostal message. That said, I'm hoping to move up on the list. Not because this site needs publicity or money (since the ads are gone). But because there's some real damaging things going on within Oneness Pentecostalism. Unacceptable behavior and beliefs for sure. The homophobia I've seen on Facebook is shocking. The silliness of this girl has provided me months worth of material to write about:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
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<i><br /></i>
<i>And then there's the following guest post that I was sent a couple months back which addresses ludicrous behavior of one of the most loved preachers within the movement...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>As James Joyce via the Bible said "<span style="line-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'LL PAY YOUR DUES, FATHER, WHEN YOU CEASE TURNING THE HOUSE OF GOD </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 14px;">INTO A POLLING-BOOTH."</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 14px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 14px;"><i>Anyways, to the post:</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 14px;"><i><br /></i></span>
<br />
Not sure if this hits too close to home for "naming people" - but I was incensed to read a recent Facebook post by Matt Maddix. (I am not his "fan" on FB or in life, but it happened to be shared by someone I'm connected to who is.) The post:<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaior5QNtBM6B58i_lH4j9hc95na54YP13oT4WFk0GwAZTGmlsajuUyoDu7aqhyphenhyphenfXAXKydNixePyOzvvIOIDo5z39btKrOOyAoYmUdHE3ve51FQI6XPT4At65SkcmH3YMAE3IwOB0ARqg/s1600/MM_FB_post.JPG"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaior5QNtBM6B58i_lH4j9hc95na54YP13oT4WFk0GwAZTGmlsajuUyoDu7aqhyphenhyphenfXAXKydNixePyOzvvIOIDo5z39btKrOOyAoYmUdHE3ve51FQI6XPT4At65SkcmH3YMAE3IwOB0ARqg/s1600/MM_FB_post.JPG" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
Oh, what "vision map" would that be? Could it somehow be related to the ~$10,000 worth of services and products you sell under your “persona”? We’re talking everything from $1,000 worth of Outreach training sessions to $4.95 to simply hear an MP3 of you with Joy Haney. And while you’re at it, pick up “The Healing Power of Juicing” for the low, low price of $15.00.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2BKvRGJCj74hMZCaK8RK8FOqzyVc6JGZ6D8lo4jr8fx05YD-Cgp6XMOQ2B66UdThyubACarazdI5HfD2p19dGRwJkHYQXaYzKtx63vCNg4OhrZCh2o18NI_h-M5b1Lo9T-GmjffUdAEg/s1600/MM_healingpower_juicing.JPG"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2BKvRGJCj74hMZCaK8RK8FOqzyVc6JGZ6D8lo4jr8fx05YD-Cgp6XMOQ2B66UdThyubACarazdI5HfD2p19dGRwJkHYQXaYzKtx63vCNg4OhrZCh2o18NI_h-M5b1Lo9T-GmjffUdAEg/s1600/MM_healingpower_juicing.JPG" /></a></div>
<br />
You know, back in 1890, some joker used to drive through towns claiming to be 100% convinced that if you drank his snake oil solution, you'd be cured of arthritis, baldness and headaches, too. But he wasn't around for more than a week or two to sit by your bedside. These costly "revival solutions" amount to as much as that. Then the home missions pastor is left behind to wonder why his church is still languishing.<br />
<br />
I'm convinced that pastors who are struggling with growth are struggling with relevance. The more I see here on the east coast, the more I find the only growth in traditional Pentecostal churches seems to be found in undereducated communities. Or those who are educated are in a position of rapidly degrading health and desperate for answers from any source. (Note: I’m not talking about those who “grew up in the church”. This is specific to “new converts”.) I challenge you to look around at all your new converts over the last 5-10 years. How many of them had college degrees or successful business ventures before “getting in church”?<br />
<div>
<br />
You know the old clichés we all heard growing up: those with formal education are relying upon the wisdom of man instead of the wisdom of God. But it's difficult to convince someone with critical thinking skills that much of what defines us as Pentecostals has anything to do with true Christianity when they read their Bibles. The clothing, the scare tactics, the emphasis on speaking in tongues instead of the emphasis on the fruit of the Spirit...it all falls short of the whole picture that is the Gospel. Just like the snake oil salesman preyed upon the ignorant, so our traditional Apostolic churches find success in those who aren't educated enough to ask the right questions.<br />
<div>
<br />
And since the stance of many Apostolic/Pentecostal churches has been to scorn “secular college” (instead, begrudgingly allowing their kids to attend unaccredited Bible colleges, as if there’s even an comparison between the quality of education of the two), is it a wonder that someone has come along to successfully build a business off the backs of our undereducated pastorate?<br />
<br />
So, yes, if I could profit like Mr. Maddix, I’d be “100% convinced” of the success of my revival solutions, too. Because if you can’t sell it to yourself, you certainly can’t sell it to the rubes.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i></div>
</div>Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-84072151768925856122013-04-29T04:48:00.002-07:002013-04-29T07:52:56.123-07:00#272-Becoming a Postmodern Relativist when it's Convenient.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglOcYe8sKX9_c_acPVpxdSSHvw_091tJDC_g1Nmp7tUyElrbXdKCrSl_SJuW2WAUDAr8_tsZAmHzr4-41WTKgFAv6DAzdrJTEFdNcK8f8giLxW-HI0P_jVusLM2whWCOPFJAQKkBIiBYI/s1600/1+Dirck+Hals+(Dutch+Baroque+Era+painter,+1591-1656)+The+Party+Table.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglOcYe8sKX9_c_acPVpxdSSHvw_091tJDC_g1Nmp7tUyElrbXdKCrSl_SJuW2WAUDAr8_tsZAmHzr4-41WTKgFAv6DAzdrJTEFdNcK8f8giLxW-HI0P_jVusLM2whWCOPFJAQKkBIiBYI/s1600/1+Dirck+Hals+(Dutch+Baroque+Era+painter,+1591-1656)+The+Party+Table.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Okay: Wednesday, we'll have a gorgeous and scandalous guest post.... A post where SAL sells it's soul and name's names. Tell all your friends.<br />
<br />
After that, some posts by Glen. One of them properly scandalous in it's own regard.<br />
<br />
After that, this blog will officially become a TMZ Jezabel and it will tell you outright about a UPC scandalous "rumor" first reported here on the blog...which I was told was not true by the very person it was about. And lo and behold, it's true.... so we get fun times "look at how silly UPCers can be" type blog. Names will be named because, you just stop caring about political standing when you care about truth against insincere rhetoric. Until then... you'll get this post which is more of a rebuttal:<br />
<br />
One lovely thing about the UPC is they try their hardest making their <i>belief</i> system as rational and logical as possible. Everything can allegedly be proven. This is obviously a delusional way to go about things, especially when Christianity demands us not to have reason to believe in God but rather a simple thing called faith. But whatever....<br />
<br />
Anyways, as much as the UPC means well about the certainty of beliefs, they certainly do a bad job proving themselves when the right questions are asked: You question and they quote scriptures. You show them a verse outside of the scripture they were quoting and they repeat the same verse they just told you but now they are screaming and upset and preaching passive aggressively against you over the pulpit. This is a incompetence 101 but whatever. Basically you realize how flimsy a lot of the logic is that seeks to "Prove" the Oneness Doctrine according to the UPC is absolutely correct. You can choose to focus on the verses they tell you and ignore the rest....<br />
<br />
Or you can stop believing their "Full Truth"....<br />
<br />
Or you can do what many of the feeble in my generation have done who wanted to inherit their daddy's church:<br />
<br />
Relativise the questions you have. By this, I mean that when you ask the right questions relentlessly without backing down to silly, irrational answers, you'll find this response in the end: "Who can know the mind of God?" or "God's ways are above our ways" or "Great is the mystery of the godhead" or something dumb....<br />
<br />
Which basically surmounts to: "I will be logical until you point out how illogical I am being. Then I will excuse my illogical arguments by citing God and his mystery." Which, if God is mysterious in any way, why are we so sure about our arguments in the first place? Shouldn't we then start with God's mystery and then then walk towards answers in sincere humility and uncertainty?<br />
<br />
But should you question our beliefs further, you will get this kind of argument:<br />
<br />
<i>"Hey Pastor Jim, I just read that women aren't supposed to have elaborate hairstyles in I Timothy 2. Yet I see these chicas all around putting all bunch of stuff in their hair and have elaborate hairstyles."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"Well the key is it's all about modesty. I timothy 2 mentions elaborate hairstyles as being against modesty. And I think our ladies have modest hairstyles"</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"But they wear shiny broaches that imitate jewelry and put things in their hair that look like gold or are in fact feathers, which 100 years ago was a sign of economic affluence. All these girls are showing off dude. But they get away with it because it's not around their neck or wrist and that's messed up."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"Well every other Christian denomination fails to uphold these verses... And what we consider "immodesty" is up to each pastor to figure out. The UPC is not supposed to be a policeman over the churches. "</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"Yet you say jewelry is wrong? And won't allow it on your platform"</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"Because the Bible says it's wrong."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"No. YOU, the human being, just decided what was jewelry and what is not jewelry. This has nothing to do with the bible. You even said your mother-in-law, whose pentecostal, wears broaches and that's why you can't say broaches are a sin...."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"Ahhh.... Well, other people do it to. What we think is a sin is relative. And we presume God will honor what the pastor decides."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself. Hone up or shut up. You claim you're a man of God. I doubt it. But if you are, I'm praying for God to do a little bit better on who he anoints to be pastor. Because you sir, are a mean mean man who likes what he likes and preaches against whoever doesn't live up to your expectations. </i><i>"</i><br />
<br />
Basically when your logic and behavior fails.... A UPC pastor will point out that every other denomination fails in their own beliefs. As if that alleviates a pastor's dedication to upholding God's truth and what is written in scripture.<br />
<br />
You'll see the most idiotic version of this logic below in all it's reality-<br />
<br />
This post is a response to a comment I received several weeks ago when <a href="http://stuffapostolicslike.blogspot.com/2013/03/270-materialism-because-god-loves-you.html#comment-form">I made a post about how silly some UPCers</a> are when they buy thousand dollar shoes and brag about it over facebook....The replying comment was so mindless and indicative of what's wrong with the Southern contingent of the UPC that I felt obligated to reply...<br />
<br />
The commenter name "Apologetics" said: <br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Nobile; line-height: 17.77777862548828px; text-align: justify;"><i><b>Your complaints are becoming more weak by the post. Your entire premise could have some merit when it comes to materialism. You are pointing out about how obsessed and wrong someone is for their shoes and how great someone else is for wearing the same ones purchased on the cheap, for the last however many years. All the while, posting from a computer, probably from your parents bedroom, probably making less than 30,000 a year. You most likely own a decent vehicle, are not using public WIFI, and have cable. Costly and material goods do at some point have to be taken in context. Say this man has been saving his change, while you may have been spending frivolously on a latte or sandwich every other day. He most likely has a much greater income than you so your 30 dollar shoes could be the equivalent of her 1,000 dollar shoes. If you walked to the library, used their free wifi, and watched the NCAA tourney from Mcdonalds, and sent all the excess funds to a homeless shelter then you may have ground to stand on. If not, quit whining about someone having something you can not afford when your lifestyle by comparison is just as unbalanced most likely</b></i></span><br />
<br />
He replied later to a few well reasoned arguments by other posters but his argument was much of the same solipsistic, vanity-ridden nonsense.<br />
<br />
Which, I really do have a sincere, godly conviction against dumb arguments from oafs. These "apologists" tend to act rational and yet, somehow in their weird domain of a mind, justify their irrationality by relativising anything inconvenient to their own Oneness Pentecostalism-so called...<br />
<br />
Here's my response being posted for the first time....<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>To the sycophant above,</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>If you are a Christian, and God understands you as a
Christian, I renounce my own Christianity at once.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>More disconcerting is your inability to interpret my blog
post correctly and your lack of intellect such a misreading implies. I am
highly concerned about whatever future offspring you may produce in the future.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Your worldview is exactly all that is wrong with American
Christianity today. Your beliefs are nothing but a poor, irrational
justification for your silly lifestyle. If, you are from <st1:state>Texas</st1:state>
or any of the other Southern states that are always fifty years behind history,
this makes all that much more sense.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Like the good postmodern you are, you have no conviction.
You are willing to make anything relative, including selling Christianity out
for a shadow of what it was meant to be. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Because, let’s get this straight: You find any argument that
justifies your behavior based on your sense of entitled Christianity.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>You based your whole argument of justifying materialism and
wealth by questioning the very perception of wealth. What may be excessive to
me is not excessive to another. And if I’m following your pathetic attempt at logic
correctly: My own lifestyle may be considered excessive to a homeless man (I
may be giving you too much credit here because you failed to even follow your
own logic to its ends). </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Nevertheless your logic fails:</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Your essential failure is the fact that you suggest the only
people who have the right to condemn your friend for his materialist
excessiveness is the man who owns nothing as you say “If you walked to the
library, used their free wifi, and watched the NCAA tourney from Mcdonalds, and
sent all the excess funds to a homeless shelter then you may have ground to
stand on. If not, quit whining about someone having something you can not
afford when your lifestyle by comparison is just as unbalanced most likely.”</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>As if no one else but the lowest has the ground to point out
social injustice or religious buffoonery. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>As if the only person who can charge a rapist for rape is
the rape victim. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>As if Jesus can’t help sinners since he also has the benefit
of being God and thus isn't as lowly as depraved helpless humanity. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>As if no one has any right to say the Nazi’s were wrong
unless you were a holocaust victim.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>As if the fight against slavery must be fought by the
slaves?</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Do you understand how stupid and idiotic your argument
sounds? And yet you bad people who claim to be Christians use this kind of
nonsense all the time to justify whatever it is you guys do in your weird
materialist throne-rooms. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>And let’s say, your ad hominem fallacy of trying to debase
my argument by insulting who I am as a person is correct (which it isn’t), your
accusations don’t change my argument one bit. Because unlike you, who has the
inane concept of relative wealth all while calling himself Christian, I
actually have the Bible as a source of my polemics.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>You based your argument in postmodern relativity. I based my
polemics in the Word of God. Matthew 25 for instance and much of James concur
with my judgments against your friend. These verses do not indict my lifestyle
whatsoever. I am innocent according to who the New Testament describes as
materially wealthy and therefore sinful.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Further my point was not the pathetic nature of the shoe
purchase. Even though, yes, it is pathetic and grotesque in and of itself. My argument. which was beyond your ability to interpret since it wasn't in
a coloring book, was that the lady in question was so comfortable with the gift
that she broadcasted her excesses through an instagram filter. Instagram being
something that I cannot afford since it’s only available on smart phones. Hence my point being not just, "who are we to buy $1000 shoes?" Which is an obvious abomination itself. Rather "How corrupt are we to be okay with buying $1000 shoes and also be proud enough to broadcast that over the internet?" </b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>AKA "I'm not only vain and immodest. But I promote everyone else to be envious of my own sinful vanity!!!! #LOL!VALENTINE'S DAY 2013!!!! WHAT'STHEHUSBANDGOINGTODONEXT YEARTOOUTSPENDEXPECTATIONS?!?:-)"</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Normally I would recommend a little old encouragement of virtue and
advise you to educate yourself by reading or something. Perhaps some Foucault
or Althusser would do the trick for you. However, I am readily aware of your
limited cognitive capacity to grasp what they are saying. Not to mention that
your own argument infers that you are too lost in your own delusional fantasy of a religion to bother about self-education and self-improvement. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>But this is all to be expected when the cross is foolishness
to the world.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Instead I will proceed with a parade of insults upon you in
hopes to busty up your gullies just enough to do something right with yourself
for a change:</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>I must commend you for remaining anonymous. Had you admitted
to being a parasite, I would never have bothered to read you comment. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>And if by some incomprehensible logic, you are actually
human, I must say your cowardice in concealing yourself helped you all the
more: Had you revealed your name, we’d quickly have had you locked away in an
asylum on account of your undeniable pompous, psychopathic tendencies.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Had you lived before Christ died on the cross, your very
existence alone would have been enough to merit God sending a second Flood to
annihilate the world all over again. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Your propensity for baroque logic that allows you to do
whatever you please, adorned in all its excessive aimlessness & vanity
condemns you for the most inner-ring of hell.</b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>You are a caveman. The kind of man-boy who acquires the
biggest and most expensive of everything: Colognes, Plasma TVs, toothpicks,
etc….Knowing full well that you enjoy the symbol of these things beyond their
actual use-value. For this we’re all
laughing at you, your impotence, and your inability to see what’s obvious to
everyone (even if you haven’t read Freud): </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>You are a child in a man’s body, desperate to conceal what
isn’t there. You are guilty of overcompensation in the worst way. </b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
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<i><b>With pity,</b></i></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<i><b>Joel</b></i></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<i><b>P.S. Consider the folly of the 18<sup>th</sup> century
French aristocrats and maybe you'll be saved yet.</b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<br /></div>
Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-38810641365192879482013-04-03T18:35:00.000-07:002013-04-03T18:40:35.574-07:00#271-CSI (Christian Salvation Investigators): Speaking in Tongues Edition <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Fellow Pentecostals, boys, girls, ghouls, and goblins,</div>
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I have written to you today with a pang of conviction inside me. I am urgent. I will not be dissuaded from my mission that will be proposed in full below. Open your ears then and give me a fair listen.</div>
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It has recently come to my attention that the decision of where we will spend eternity, be it heaven or hell, is not just based on the decision of God, nor Acts 2:38 itself, nor your own weird desire to be certain about your salvation. No. There is another in our church alters whose very existence is a byway we must all pass if we are deemed worthy of inheriting the Oneness Pentecostal truth. We need this man if we are to be certified within the company of the chosen Apostolic remnant. Because of this man, we will forever be exalted in Heaven for "Getting it Right" as opposed to those other, lesser Christians who have made minor, but grievous errors in their interpretation of the Bible and how to go to heaven.</div>
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And while Acts 2:38 doesn't mention speaking in tongues, we know darn well that speaking in tongues is implied in the verse for how else are we to gather "evidence" of the receiving of the Holy Ghost.</div>
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With that said, the man I am speaking of, is the Speaking in Tongues Certifier who, gracefully throws his ear towards any mouth that may spew weird mouth noises from their mouth because, only he can verify when tongues are spoken. If the tongues aren't weird enough, who cares? If they sound like a cheap phonetic imitation of Brother or Sister so-and-so's own brand of speaking in tongues, pay no mind.</div>
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Whether tongues sounds "authentic" or gobbely-goo or an off-brand of pig-latin, the point is not the language. The point is that any thing other than english is passing out of our mouths. That's the Holy Ghost, and if it chooses to show-up as an endless, monotonous, one syllable repetitive lip-stammer, so be it. Because the Holy Ghost does whatever it darn well pleases. (Side-Note: Since God and the Holy Ghost are the same thing, can we just call it The God Ghost? Seems way more intimidating).</div>
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So that's the preface, man. Don't think for one second that I'm questioning the Holy Ghost here.</div>
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What I am questioning is how do we know that the tongues certifiers themselves are so trustworthy in the deciding who did and didn't speak in tongues? Especially when it looks real good to announce someone spoke in tongues, like say, one million Ethiopians, even if a tongue-certifier didn't hear each Ethiopian speak in tongues, since when you're an english speaking evangelist, any one speaking Ethiopian sounds like speaking in tongues. And there were a million Ethiopians, way too many to hear from, duh!</div>
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Question: How can Borat show up to an altar at a camp meeting and be certified as a tongue-speaker by a big-time evangelist? Even when Borat was totally being completely insincere and fake.</div>
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I can even remember meeting someone who said they "faked" speaking in tongues because they liked a girl who belonged to the church.</div>
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So the issue here, and what I aim to resolve, is proper certification of those who "certify" the speaking in tongues of a possible convert.</div>
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Someone who has the audacity to tell a crowd of hopeful apostolics, that, that, just right there, that language that "sounds like speaking in tongues" is not really speaking in tongues. And if they question how the tongue certifier "knows" the person doesn't really have the Holy Ghost, tell them "Because the certifier's Holy Ghost is telling him that the possible convert has a "fake-Holy Ghost" causing them to speak in "fake tongues." And that's sound logic ma'am.</div>
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What we need is a team of men, bold enough, to be the gateway to heaven for all who may potentially be speaking in tongues. Someone who can divide a demon tongue from Holy tongues. Someone who ain't scared of having to go through the books of a Church's converts and be willing to say "No, pastor, you didn't really convert 15 people that year since 6 of them were fakes who never came back to church."</div>
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Real certified, tongue-certifying men here. A team or a legion, that's what we need.</div>
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And they, the chosen one's will have a prophetic enough spirit to do some Christian Salvation Investigations. A CSI investigation to determine, based on disparate, sketchy pieces of abstract spiritual evidence, whether or not someone has really received the Holy Ghost for all the years they have been going to church, or whether they are deluding the whole church just because they like playing the drums on the platform.</div>
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This may cost us some cash, but if we're willing to sacrifice in order to hash out the Truth, it's the least we can do.</div>
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Because if speaking in tongues is "The evidence" of the Holy Ghost...then we're going to need confirmed witness testimony that the evidence wasn't fake evidence, since speaking in tongues is so inconsistent in the way it gets spoken from church to church and member to member.</div>
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I know you'll do the right thing.</div>
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For God & Country,</div>
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Joel</div>
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<br />Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-69322985122550913952013-03-13T21:20:00.000-07:002013-03-14T09:42:02.960-07:00#270-Materialism... Because you sold God for a pair of $1,000 shoes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div>
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<br />
I remember when I used to worry about being politically correct about this blog. The sad part is that I still care enough not to use names...<br />
<br />
But at this rate, it won't be long...<br />
<br />
In the mean time... the picture above was posted on Instagram.<br />
<br />
Normally, a picture of shoes wouldn't matter that much to me. Because, girls like shoes and they like really weird, materialist things that do no matter one iota in the kingdom of God. Apostolic girls are weird. They actually think absurd clothing matters. The rest of the world realizes how dumb this idea is, and chooses to apply make-up to just make themselves look better. Yet, Apostolic girls try compensating (horribly) for their inability to use make-up to look pretty by wearing RIDICULOUS CLOTHING AT RIDICULOUS PRICES hoping to look important....<br />
<br />
<b>Case in point: The above picture.</b><br />
<br />
This picture from Instagram is a Valentine's treat from hubby to wife...<br />
<br />
Isn't that cute?<br />
<br />
Except the shoes in question cost over <b><i>$1,000. </i></b><br />
<br />
This is not a joke. I wouldn't have noticed this at all. Normally I wouldn't even know this since I don't have an Instagram. Yet I have considerate friends who know enough to e-mail me about the crisis of shoes and say "Dude, people are doing stupid things and I think you should know..."<br />
<br />
Plus, without even biblical insight, my own girlfriend, who is not "Saved" wears shoes from 10 years ago that cost thirty dollars.... and wait for it: She has graduated from Juliard, Yale, and is getting her doctorate at the University of Michigan (all of which are on a full-ride.. but hey, I'm not bragging about things that actually matter)....<br />
<br />
And the minister and his wife who were generous enough to provide us with the above picture are both UPC.<br />
<br />
And not only did the pastor's wife appreciate the gift (because it's romantic).....but she thought it was completely acceptable to brag to the entire world how shallow and empty she was....<br />
<br />
Which is a weird world...<br />
<br />
Because if someone gave me a $1,000 pair of shoes, even if it was my wife, I'd disown the giftgiver immediately. If it was my girlfriend, I'd break up with her. No one should ever, ever care about the things of this world so much as to brag about owning a $1,000 pair of shoes that may or may not look fancy and/or hideous when the rest of the third world is in misery and trying to figure out how to install a working water-well in their own town....<br />
<br />
Because, shoes can be bought on the cheap... and Jesus preached opposite of any message that would promote materialistic gifts (because, simply put, it's not biblical at all).....<br />
<br />
And yet, the some young ministers in the UPC are so empty of heart and giving and unselfishness that it finds it right proper to allow a minister's wife to promote her own valentine's gift of receiving a pair of shoes that will be worn on 3-4 occasions completely appropriate for the kind of minister that they want to have within their ranks....<br />
<br />
Usually I go in depth about how abhorred behavior like this is, but I won't. Because, if you're reading this post, and thinking it's cool to own a pair of one-thousand dollar shoes, and still consider yourself loving and Christian in relation to the rest of mankind, then I have nothing else to say to you. Because you are a bad person who deserves nothing but the kind of role you play in the story you tell yourself about how God loves you and everything is right and well with the world and no one needs anything outside of a 1,000 dollar pair of shoes to show off to your friends on facebook, so happy to call yourself "saved" with possession of the full truth....<br />
<br />
I won't argue scripture to you if you're one of those people (since, like we have Matthew 25 and a whole lot of Paul to argue against you), but I will say... "Get thee behind me Satan..."<br />
<br />
Err... I mean... Just how out of touch with the rest of humanity do you have to be, in order to think the above picture is acceptable? And then add in that you're Christian... and it's just an Unacceptable performance.<br />
<br />Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-2644130151129085552013-02-11T04:37:00.000-08:002013-04-04T22:00:21.273-07:00#269-Making the UPC into our own Mini-Hollywood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
You have spent, or are still spending way too much time making your church district and it's social circles into something way more important than you should have. You can do better....<br />
<br />
God actually hates popularity.<br />
<br />
I mean, you really just have to read the Bible to get that picture. But it's pretty obvious. Moses, Paul, , David, etc.... God liked people who were not cool in any way whatsoever.<br />
<br />
Moses was that dude at your church who stuttered a lot. The guy who you felt obligated to invite out to eat after church, even though you didn't want him there and he knew you didn't want him there. Real sad guy, that Moses.<br />
<br />
Paul was that guy who was absolutely convinced that he was right but yet was hated by almost everyone else because of how right he thought he was. Paul was your classic insecure, ego-maniacal mama's boy. Acted entitled. Like killing Christians at one moment because he was "correct" and then like totally apologizing to all Christians a moment later because the Christian Truth was, get this, totally correct. No humility whatsoever. Just a lot of self-pity when he needed to make a point. Paul was really good at making you feel guilty.<br />
<br />
David..... Complete and total Emo. If you read Psalms and I and II Samuel and still manage to like David, something is wrong with you. The "woe-is-me" kind of guy... overly dramatic... making a mountain out of an ant-hill kind of guy. People like David can only be dealt with in small doses.<br />
<br />
Point being: God's favorites are the kind of people we hate to be around. They were the biggest dorks within the Dork Kingdom.<br />
<br />
All of the above also means that God doesn't like the cool kids. Because he rarely, if ever chooses the really good looking, popular crowd to do his work. My guess is that people in the cool crowd believe in their own hype too much for God to be able to do anything with them.<br />
<br />
And this is reason #1 of why you should never trust any pastor who openly professes that he is doing the work of God: He's the guy who confuses his popularity within the church as a naive validation of his own "feeling" or "intuition." So much so, that this pastor-guy loves himself so much that he never questions the voice of the all mighty God within his own head... since everyone else seems to believe in his own self-confidence. People cry during his altar-call and assumes God must really really love him...<br />
<br />
Kind of like celebrities in Hollywood tend to confuse their own popularity within the movie-industry as proof that they are smart and funny and insightful. This is a lie most of the time. But because we care about celebrities, the celebrities tend to love themselves way more than any human ever should ever love themselves.....<br />
<br />
Likewise, most pastors are the kids who were once losers growing up and sat around bitter and whiny and cranky, and by the time they became of age, they found that preaching with a sense of urgency and rage and bitterness could be easily confused as "the anointing" by all parties involved.<br />
<br />
But the weird thing here is not the delusional pastors within the UPC. Nor is it weird than no one calls these wacko's out. But the weird thing is that we have somehow let the religion of celebrity obsession on gossip websites (e.g TMZ) infiltrate our own subconscious to the point that we treat the UPC itself like a celebrity ring.<br />
<br />
Like hipsters with favorite music groups that no one else knows, we have our favorite preachers. This is natural. We look up to certain people. The better looking people in the youth group. The "bad" pastor's daughter. The pastor's son who plays ball, and secretly imagines inheriting his dad's church one day and making it a mega-church once he sells out with his devilish good looks, a little charisma, and a whole lot of compromising of UPC standards. All the better if they are unique and special and the kind of person we can call our own "kind of preacher."<br />
<br />
But between looking up to a few preachers from a far, and actually creating a whole web of intricate "who's who" of UPC pastors, youth pastors, and good-looking-sharply-dressed-young-people, something has gone terribly wrong. The internet is to blame. (Cue the usual reference to facebook, tumblr, instragram, twitter here).<br />
<br />
We care less about the content of what people are saying and care way more about who people are, as in fame, looks, reputation, and who-they-know within the preaching world. Just like we now pay attention to celebrities because of who they are and not what they have done as a human being.<br />
<br />
Likewise, we've done this with the UPC. Especially as young people. We gossip like none other. And not necessarily in a bad way. Just mentioning a few rumors of who is politicking for a certain position within a certain district or section (I'm looking at you State of Michigan-Section 1-Up-And-Comers-Who-Have wonderful charisma- and may or may not look like McGee from the TV show McGee and Me). Sure their may be a few scandals involved, and yeah we may like the scandals we speak of, but the point is, what we truly in our heart of hearts love about the UPC, is that it gives us a sense of having our own mini-universe of preachers who are bold and important and sharply dressed and possibly having an affair.<br />
<br />
And this culture is not good....<br />
<br />
And oh by the way: I have a list of preacher's names who may or may not be dabbling in scandalous activities. And by that I mean I have access to these said pastor's internet history and it could stir up trouble and cause a whole lot of chaotic nuisance and could or could not possibly really make this website into a UPC-celebrity-gossip-page but will refrain for the time being. It's not worth it..... but I'm just saying.... we could make this thing real fun...<br />
<br />
And if I'm who I am and I refuse to make gods out men because of their reputation, I advise you to do the same.<br />
<br />
<br />Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8219781724285312648.post-60511654393232592452012-12-16T01:59:00.001-08:002012-12-18T19:41:58.319-08:00#268- Speaking in Tongues <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
I was raised in church and now I am miserable. Did the Holy Ghost do this? I don't know.<br />
<br />
I was 8 years old when I spoke in tongues. A child who was trying his hardest to do the things he was told to do.<br />
<br />
All my friends received the Holy Ghost when they were five six or seven. But I was scared of lying to myself about having the Holy Ghost. So I waited until I could be sure I received it. I waited until it was true.<br />
<br />
When I was 8 I spoke in tongues and cried and <i style="font-weight: bold;">felt</i> I was saved. They told me I was saved and they showed me a scripture to prove it and I believed it and I was happy.<br />
<br />
My pastor, he died at the age of 35. I was 14 when he died. I was still saved then. That pastor, he was funny. Loving. I miss him.<br />
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I don't remember crying as hard as I did when I found out he was gone. The most wonderful man I knew at the time.<br />
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The man who replaced him, I remember him too.<br />
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I never knew a man who cared more about his people.....<br />
<br />
He tried his best as I grew older.<br />
<br />
As I grew older I became confused.<br />
<br />
Because the love the he gave was not the love I was familiar with. He was my pastor and we read books under him about how we were to submit.<br />
<br />
We were told about the Bible and our story about the Bible and we were told how any digressions about people leaving the church or criticizing our new pastor were a matter of the spiritual realm. We prayed and we fasted and I grew older.<br />
<br />
I grew up in the same church until I was 24.<br />
<br />
I saw things...<br />
<br />
I saw my best friends kicked off the platform because they fornicated.<br />
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I saw friends who I barely knew get kicked off the platform because they went to the movie theater.<br />
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I saw one of my favorite Sunday School teachers get removed from teaching because another precious saint saw her in pants in the early morning picking up medicine for her mother.<br />
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I saw a woman in my church write countless books about how to be holy and she was celebrated and she broadcasted how important it was to vote republican over the pulpit.<br />
<br />
I was confused.<br />
<br />
I saw veins of conviction preaching against not losing the truth.<br />
<br />
I saw weed secretly smoked during church camping trips.<br />
<br />
I saw three gay men leave our church because two of them claimed to be married... and even though they weren't on the platform they were asked to leave.<br />
<br />
I saw a pastor from another church preach against me because I was against his Holy Magic Hair Doctrine.<br />
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I saw another man write letters to the UPC headquarters about who I was and how wrong I was.<br />
<br />
I heard about a pastor of my church from before I was born. He brainwashed my parents. Made them fear God before they knew his love. Made them fear their own love. That pastor also ended up cheating on his wife.<br />
<br />
I saw my friend who grew up in church die of an overdose.<br />
<br />
I saw a friend kicked out of their house because they smoked weed.<br />
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I saw a friend kicked out of church camp because their hair was too long for a dude...<br />
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I saw a friend kicked off the platform for listening to the wrong music....<br />
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I saw a youth pastor go to jail for being a pedophile to girls in his youth group.<br />
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I saw a friend kicked off the platform for cutting her hair.<br />
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I saw friends still pray with the Holy Spirit within them even though they were too worldly to be on the platform.<br />
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I saw one friend be applauded on the platform for being at the service of the Lord even though she had cover-up on her face (THIS IS MAKE-UP)... and another get kicked off the platform for having too much blush.<br />
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I have seen the face of SATAN in many churches and he works on the side of the preachers most of those times....<br />
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I saw my friends fall. Fall away from church. And then their own families because their family was still in church. All because they didn't know .... they never learned. Nor did I learn. About the Cross. About Jesus' love. About anything that mattered. Because Christ to them and Christ to me was about making sure we were right on the way to heaven.<br />
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We were told it was about being baptized in Jesus name man. We were told about Acts 2:38. We were told about the soon-coming revival. We were told about the necessity about witnessing. We had an annual tall "prophet" preach sermons of fear into our soul only to end up marrying a woman who wore jewelry. We were told about I Corinthians 11. We were told why women were sinning when they wore pants. We were preached upright about not wearing jewelry or make-up. And we all danced and celebrated and were happy we had the truth because by God's grace and mercy ...<br />
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We were the Royal Priesthood and we were called and chosen and we were meant to save the world...<br />
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And it's maddening. And it will just about kill you if you're not properly equipped for it...<br />
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Do we not realize what love is? Love isn't about making sure the ones we love are "right." Love is loving someone as is. And hoping to God they will love us.... and if they reject us... well it should be a heartbreak every time. But no. That's not how we were raised when we were showed THE TRUTH. The Apostolic truth that has me so so confused about life. Because I was raised with a MASTER who they told me was God who they said Died for my sins so I would live as HE wanted me too... and when I or someone else dared fall.... they said my MASTER LOVED ME but that MASTER also said I needed correction and reproof....<br />
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And over time, I learned to see it....<br />
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I saw my MASTER's alleged Holiness from my teachers. They focused on things so we didn't have to worry other than praying harder and wanting us to thrust our way to salvation. The Old Master made me scared and fearful and He also liked it when I danced at the altar... even though I faked the dancing to make people think I was saved.<br />
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The Old Master... this was the God that was made for me in my head. Other pastors in the UPC will deny it and say the Master that I was raised with was not the Master of the Bible.....<br />
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But the problem is....<br />
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I saw Jesus on cross.... I saw a Jesus who loved me so much he died for me. And I have never seen such a pastor loving me so much that he would die for me other than the one who died when I was 14..<br />
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I have seen Jesus and I see Him warning against the very teachers and preachers who raised me. And perhaps raised you...<br />
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I saw Him the moment I started to obey and do the thing those teachers told me to do....<br />
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I read the Bible. And I say you should read the Bible too. Read the Bible. And read about your Messiah. And YOU SEE FOR THE FIRST TIME ABOUT LOVE AND GRACE AND MERCY and read Romans and you read the Gospels and you tell your pastors "NO! HELL NO! YOU ARE WRONG! YOU DO NOT LOVE ANYONE BUT YOUR FAMILY AND YOURSELF and those who looked like you! Just like the Jews of the Old Testament." You tell them "YOU WILL NEVER KNOW MATTHEW 25 and YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THE GOOD SAMARITAN OR the Book of GALATIANS AND YOU ARE THE WORST OF JUDAIZERS!" ANd they will say you are rebelling and you will say, "I'm so so sorry.....but I found the Lord... and He is Absolute and resolute... and unlike your God, I refuse to make him to an image about what I want him to look like to think I am saved."<br />
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but my Lord and my Apostles, they rebelled against their tradition too...<br />
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and the Apostles, through my Lord spoke in tongues....<br />
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And yet... everyone outside thought they were drunk when they spoke in tongues. But they weren't. They were filled with the Holy Spirit.<br />
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And they never understood us who were filled with the Holy Ghost. They tried to constrain us by having revival and Youth Congress and telling us we were proud of our Apostolic Identity.<br />
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But I couldn't be fooled again. I had actually read the Bible. And read the only time that God's chosen ones were proud of who they were, and those were the Jews who lived before Christ had come back.<br />
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The same Jews who killed Jesus 2,000 years ago because they were so fixed on the truth that they couldn't recognize love right in front of them...<br />
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And every night I speak in tongues knowing God hears me.... hoping to God that His spirit will lead me to<br />
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More Mercy....<br />
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More grace....<br />
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More love.....<br />
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To those who don't deserve it. Like the kind kicked off the platform and out of church....<br />
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The poor, the widows, the lost and confused... and yeah, I fail at loving as such... and yeah because of my Old MASTER that was contrived from the Old Testament, I feel like I"m never doing enough to get saved....<br />
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but then you remember Jesus and Acts 2.... and that Love and the Holy Ghost won't make sense to those in church... they'll never get it.... they'll be lost to themselves in a story about themselves....<br />
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And all I want to know is among my salvation, why can't God give me back all those nights lost where I was taught to hate people when they didn't follow the holiness standards we were told to follow.<br />
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<br />Joel Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15449770157998900843noreply@blogger.com34