#158-Soapboxing with the Microphone

This one isn't profound, I thought we'd take a break from the heavy stuff, hopefully you get a laugh out of it. Now, I’ll be straight up with this one. Anytime you put a microphone in someone’s hand, the things that they say are more than likely going to be inflected by their personal opinions, desires, etc.


With that said, soapboxing with a microphone isn’t particularly unique to Apostolics, but I’d like to think that we do it with our own style and flair. I cherish that moment when, during intercessory prayer, the current leader with the microphone makes a statement/series of statements that elicit looks of incredulity and/or mild humorous reactions from those around me.


I think it’s possible to divide the types of prayer soapboxing into a few very common categories, which are by no means exhaustive:


Political: Self-explanatory. Ranges anywhere from disparaging particular political candidates/parties to ranting against the evils of socialism to diagramming the formation of the one-world government (the special ones can offer a time-frame). Generally begins with, “I’m not trying to make a political statement here, but….”


Confessional/Therapeutic: This type is usually reserved for the worship leader who feels impressed to interrupt the song service and talk about how terrible their day/week/month/year has been. In short, the devil’s really fought them and life generally stinks, but, this one particular song they’re about to play has come direct from God and offered hope, for them and for you. Occasionally happens during prayer service, but certainly not as common as during choir/worship.


Revenge/Spirit-Shank: Please note that this type is completely different from a praise/victory report. This has some connection, albeit dimly, to the confessional type, in that it begins by talking about how deeply the speaker has been afflicted, but the narrative ends by making some sort of triumph/snide promise of revenge against indeterminate individuals/groups. Names/specifics aren’t going to be mentioned, but they know what they did and God’s got it taken care of. (I’d say this type is rare and overall difficult to identify if you aren’t privy to the parties involved).


Rant/Apologetic: Akin to the ‘airing of grievances’ at a Festivus celebration and by far the most entertaining. This can involve colorful commentaries on society in general or particular age-groups/ethnicities. It can also serve as an opportunity to justify one’s actions or lifestyle to the church, a sort of defense if you will. Naturally this category has elements in common with the ones above and it’s a little difficult to describe, so, I’ll offer two particularly entertaining examples below.


1: This one was a rant by an angry father on an otherwise typical Wednesday night. He began by praying for this generation of youth, that they would strive for God and seek His face. It then devolved into why the youth didn’t seek God and the sorts of things they did instead, which included: not mowing the lawn when their father told them, disobeying their mother, making rude remarks back, not dressing appropriately for church, and not cleaning their room. I’ve forgotten some of the other allegations, but with each one his voice raised higher and higher. Immediately half of the church looked over to the youth section where his oldest son sat; the bewildered deer-in-the-headlights look on his face said it all. The father, breathing raggedly and sweating mildly handed the microphone back to the pastor. Laughter was stifled until after service, but only through great effort.


2: During another service one of the members of our church was so caught up in worship that he felt the need do cartwheels in the altar—and not halfway ones, but full-fledged, flamboyant cartwheels, like the ones my little sister used to do. A few of us passed each other wide-eyed glances and chuckled about it after church (true to form, in a parking lot, I believe), but there was really nothing more to it—or so we thought. The next day during a Monday night service, the cartwheeler was given the microphone to lead prayer. He immediately launched a defense of his cartwheels from the night before. Memory fails, but they went something to the effect of (shouting at the top of his lungs), “God, I love you! I love you so much that I’ve just gotta worship you and if it comes in the form of cartwheels or backflips or whatever, well, I don’t care!! If anybody wants to judge me or criticize me for it, then they’ll be judged by you!” Laughter once again had to be suppressed.


I’d like to try something different here. Let’s try a user generated post (sort of) by having you the readers offer your own stories of humorous soapboxing with the microphone. So, if you’ve got a great story, please take some time to write it up and post it in your comment!


NOTE: Use some common sense, please. No names or any sort of specifics. Also, no expletives, epithets, or anything overtly explicit/inappropriate. They’ll have to be deleted otherwise. Remember, this is done not with a spirit of reproach or criticism, but out of humor, like telling stories about your crazy family that you still love. Let’s keep this fun and light!