#210-That Extra Material that Keeps You Holy

Editor's Note: Ladies and Gentlemen, a new blogger, Marissa Cooney. Give her a warm, round of applause as she writes during these horrid days when i have no time to write (I have topics I swear!).  Also any other people who want to blog for the site? e-mail me with sample article. 

(a side note: I do not know the girl in the picture. It most definitely is not me. But I do know some girls who would wear her tights. Nay, they would ENVY her those...glorious leg coverings.)

Today’s weather calls for hibernation. However, given that this is a civilized, capitalistic society that requires all its members to enter the world and produce something, hibernation is not a viable option for the American. So despite there being a teenage temperature outside (ha – who am I kidding? I’m from Texas and this happens maybe twice in a decade) all of us (from the North) have to face the cold…including…wait for it…the female Pentecostal.

OH, THE HORROR.

Faced with an unrelenting dedication to modesty and an unrelenting cold snap, both equally demanding attention, Pentecostal women are faced with three options: one being wearing a pair of boots, the other consisting of the ankle-length jean skirt approach, and the last and most formidable being multi-colored tights!

Yes, tights. They are an amazing solution to all winter’s problems – excluding snowdrifts and imperfect snowmen. That is why you will see Pentecostal women going to their local Forever 21 or Target and spending fifty dollars on itchy, scratchy material that doesn’t necessarily provide warmth, but provides a defense against the agonizing question, “you’re in a skirt? Aren’t you COLD?”

Sigh. Internally I always debate on answering with the following: “the fire of the Holy Ghost keeps me warm both inside and out, all the way down to my legs! That’s the true secret of it all. Come to church and you too will see!” Unfortunately, answering so honestly will probably never help me win someone to the Lord.

…I hate that question.

Tights explain how, when winter comes, Pentecostal women suddenly show up to church looking like a fluorescent light show has happened on their legs. I suppose sobriety in apparel does not apply here.

In addition to providing a solution for leg warmth, tights also provide yet another loophole for sin. This particular naughty deed involves wearing a pair of tights and then buying a skirt two inches above the knee. And why not? No skin is showing, after all! No, instead a nice two inches of sensuous kneecap is displayed covered by brightly covered material. No problems here.

The issue of tights also explains why you will see Pentecostal teenage girls wearing fishnets to church during the winter despite the stereotype that fishnets belong on strippers. Subjects of this kind have been slightly covered already (the hooker boots post), but I feel that the prevalence of fishnets in church is something that should be expanded on…perhaps in a later entry.