#260-"Kill or Be Killed" Sunday School Contests

If you grew up in the UPC, you know very well that there is no spectacle as intense or unchristian than that of the Sunday School Contest.

It was pretty viscous. Sunday School Contests are not a thing of novelty. It's where human children are converted into classic Marxist commodity then and there for the UPC church. To the teachers, the guests represent potential converts (objects), bible verse memorization represents a means to brain-washing. To the student, guests represent points (victory). To the guests, I don't even know what they were thinking, but I can only imagine the fear in their eyes as all our Pentecostal eyes got real big the moment they walked into church as we all thought "fresh meat, fresh meat." And then we licked our lips... 

When I was a kid I won things in these contests. I won a bike once. Semi-Cheap bike probably from Wal-Mart. Doesn't matter, because it was paid for by someone else. It was provided by my church, it's Sunday School department, probably a little point-rigging, and especially our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In my victory speech I thanked each one. I was 7 years old then.

One time I won a miniature ship made out of wood. Kind of like this one. Took someone hours to build. I Broke that sucker when I got home simply for not being a bike. I was 8 years old then and the boat was for 2nd place in the Sunday school contest that year... behind, you guessed it: Another Bike. A bike that was even flashier and possibly a little more expensive that year.

One time I won candy and gave it to charity because no one named Joel Riley ever accepts 3rd place candy in Sunday School Contests. Especially when there's a 1st place bike to be had.

As I got older the stakes got higher. I got smarter. More viscous. I received the Holy Ghost when I was 9 and by the time I was 10 I determined not to settle for anything other than 1st place in Sunday School Contests for the rest of my life so help me God. 

If your church was anything close to normal, getting 1-2 guests to show up to church during the contest was basically sealing the deal to victory as long as you memorized your verses and showed up with your fat butt every week thereafter.

So the key was getting my neighbors to come to church. This was not easy. Especially when the kids had fallen for that trap once. And my neighbors no part of it, especially if church entailed spending your Sunday Morning waking up at 9:30 AM. And I completely empathized with their plight, but I also had contests to win.... 

So I resorted to bribery. Wasn't my crowning achievement as a kid, but the world is a ruthless, heartless struggle these days I'll tell ya what. And if you aren't keen to exploit the cracks in the system, the cracks will eat you alive....

So I offered my friends from home 5 dollars (my allowance) to come to church. My friends who were quite shrewd themselves understood the whole scheme and agreed to come but only after a little more negotiations involving broken miniature boats and candy.

Once they come, I win everything. Which "everything" meant "Free Trip to Cedar Point" back then which was a 40 dollar value by my calculations and considering that I only paid up 10-15 dollars in the process, I was getting a steal.

One time a competing friend at church told me he was all set to have 3 friends from his school come to church the last day of a contest... which would have meant one more miniature wooden ship broken by the time I got home. So what do I do? Yours truly has the brilliant insight to secure a whole "sleepover" the night before the church service at my friends house. Where of course, those 3 potential church guests would happily spend the night....

And one-by-one I secretly tell them each a horrific tale about our church when my one church friend is away to the bathroom or eating or something dumb like that. I tell one of them that you have to touch ugly girl hands during "Red-Rover." I tell another that one time Freddy Krueger was the guest preacher. I tell them all that the teachers in Sunday School will hit you real hard on your mouth with a ruler if you don't memorize the Psalms by the time class is done. When they asked how long the Psalms was, I found the quickest Bible and held between two fingers the soul-sucking range of the bible that consisted of the 150 chapters of Psalms therein. And the woe smeared across their face and they got all white and one of them pee'd his pants a little bit and we laughed at him too for that to make him feel worse. And wouldn't you know, by the time it came to get in the van to go to church the next morning, every single one of the potential guests were very politely but slightly fearfully asking if they could go home instead of go to church. And amidst much accusation and conspiracy theory that day at church, yours truly won the Sunday School contest that year at the ripe old age of 12. And I wrote everything today to confess this story and finally get everything off my chest

Stuff was messed up...

Head's Up: General Conference is in a Few Weeks. Unlike bickering over something as silly as advertising on television, there's a resolution on the table that matters this time. About Gay Marriage.

And it's worth talking about....

Expect posts to veer in that direction and also, like if you know someone who has a few hundred dollars lying around, to tell them to give me that Hot Cash so poor old me can drive down to St. Louis for General Conference and report to you live on the bigotry or anti-bigotry that goes down in that joint....