Stuff Apostolics Like

Friend points out through a friend I haven't posted in a long bit.... so let's do it: In school, gym was my favorite class. I was no jock. I just loved playing sports. I grew up, throughout high-school wearing pants in gym class. No biggie right? Until you get to high school and guys' testosterone goes all like whoa and I'm the tiniest kid in my grade and i'm the only boy wearing pants during gym class..... 2 + 2 = I'm the target for all sexually repressed bully boys to get at..... I became "pants boy." I got punched many times over in gym class because I was such an easy target....and yeah I was even "pantsed" to the point that I was stripped down naked in front of my entire class simply because I was wearing pants because of my religious belief. But as for me, back then, as a confused kid... I thought such a kind of persecution was to be expected in the name of the Lord. Like Jesus Christ Himself you know? So I learned to keep...

Last week,  I posted a status about a Youth Congress sermon about the HIV and uncut hair and people thought I was being satirical. And as much as I wish it was a farce, it truly wasn't... Youth Congress did happen. And by all accounts it was youth congress: Except even more boring.  However, there was the usual lot of screaming preachers with angry hand gestures. And these preachers talked about how important their beliefs were in spite of the truth: No one really cared except for the kids who were there, and most of them seemed to care too much about the hype and too little thinking about what was said. Of course there was some fornicating, dancing, and tears.... all expected. All monotonous. All boring.... aka the same thing I predicted about 2011 Youth Congress ended up being very true about 2013 Youth Congress as well ... And all was well with the world.... With the Holy Exception that was James Maroney. It was he who was preaching in his home-stat...

(credit for post-title goes to someone who probably does not want to be named around these parts)... What is half-church? Imagine watching a rated R movie you have no business watching while you're parents are asleep. Imagine sneaking into one of those demon-houses aka movie theaters. Imagine all those YUCKY conversations Pentecostal girls have during bachelorette parties. Imagine make-up on the girls and boys listening to some gangsta rap circa 1994...... Imagine swearing when you're angry and fornicating in your car. Imagine all of this...  and then imagine that God comes and visits you after any and all of these sins and says, "You know what?!? No big deal. Actually, I'm all for your secret sins. In fact, don't worry about hiding it next time. You do you and enjoy it." and then God starts to walk away but right before he heads back up to heaven he turns back to you and says "YOLO!!!!" And he's gone. And then imagine the fe...

(topic suggested by dear friends) I am like you. I had that same revelation. It was a very irritating moment of revelation. I was in church when I realized almost every worship and choir song I had been singing was written by someone who does not believe they need to speak in tongues to get to heaven.... and if we're following the logic here, this meant I was probably singing a song that was written by someone who by all accounts is going to hell... After much headache, here's the five possible solutions you can take to resolve this dilemma... Options: 1) You can become that punitive cynical Pentecostal who continues to go to church that supports the Acts 2:38 message, but behind closed doors you tell all your friends that you don't believe Oneness Pentecostals will be the only one's saved and that it's not our purpose to judge other people's salvation while here on earth. Which means = Cowardly Christianity.  You support a church...

Editor's Note: Glen Post! A little ditty to brighten your day... I can only base the following on one facility in one state, my home state, so bare with my narrow scope. Growing up in the Michigan District UPCI one of the highlights of my adolescence was the two hour drive across the state to the middle of East Jabip somewhere, to the ‘Ol Campground. A glorious beaut’ she was, settled just between Mayberry and Nowhere. I can’t be downwind of an outhouse today without being taken aback to summers getting shocked by the showerheads, sleeping on rusty beds, and the sweet aroma of Right Guard, Aussie and sweat. That’s just the beginning of the painting. I’m ‘bout to go Rembrandt in this mother... Our camp was a little bit Heavens Gate and a lotta bit Auschwitz. It sat on roughly 100 acres in a clearing between some railroad tracks and an old creek. It was built sometime between the invention of indoor plumbing and the founding of the Departmen...

ApoPento's excel at many fine activities in comparison to other Christians. One of them is crying. We love crying. We need it. It's an addiction. There are five times as many criers per capita within the UPC as there are in other denominations. Some call this the work of the Holy Ghost that other denominations do not experience because they don't have the Holy Ghost. Other, more optimistic people, call the excessive crying "catharsis." Others call this "being a cry baby." I call it: Being a cry baby with a Purpose! Feeling bad? How about an altar cry? Feeling good? Dance, and then cry after excessive energy use. Have you heard a song that says God wants to kiss you? Have a cry. Minor chords in the worship song? Close your eyes, look up to the ceiling and have a cry. Did you touch someone else inappropriately? Have an altar cry. Did someone touch you inappropriately? Have an altar cry and then blame the dude. Did you get caught doing something...

Editor's Note- When you search Apostolic in Google, this site is the fifth page that pops up. So thank you for continually visiting, even when I'm off in some netherworld totally neglecting my duty to the Truth of the Oneness Pentecostal message. That said, I'm hoping to move up on the list. Not because this site needs publicity or money (since the ads are gone). But because there's some real damaging things going on within Oneness Pentecostalism. Unacceptable behavior and beliefs for sure. The homophobia I've seen on Facebook is shocking. The silliness of this girl has provided me months worth of material to write about: And then there's the following guest post that I was sent a couple months back which addresses ludicrous behavior of one of the most loved preachers within the movement... As James Joyce via the Bible said " I'LL PAY YOUR DUES, FATHER, WHEN YOU CEASE TURNING THE HOUSE OF GOD  INTO A POLLING-BOOTH." Anyways, to the pos...

Okay: Wednesday, we'll have a gorgeous and scandalous guest post.... A post where SAL sells it's soul and name's names. Tell all your friends. After that, some posts by Glen. One of them properly scandalous in it's own regard.  After that, this blog will officially become a TMZ Jezabel and it will tell you outright about a UPC scandalous "rumor" first reported here on the blog...which I was told was not true by the very person it was about. And lo and behold, it's true.... so we get fun times "look at how silly UPCers can be" type blog. Names will be named because, you just stop caring about political standing when you care about truth against insincere rhetoric. Until then... you'll get this post which is more of a rebuttal: One lovely thing about the UPC is they try their hardest making their belief  system as rational and logical as possible. Everything can allegedly be proven. This is obviously a delusional way to go about things...

Fellow Pentecostals, boys, girls, ghouls, and goblins, I have written to you today with a pang of conviction inside me. I am urgent. I will not be dissuaded from my mission that will be proposed in full below. Open your ears then and give me a fair listen. It has recently come to my attention that the decision of where we will spend eternity, be it heaven or hell, is not just based on the decision of God, nor Acts 2:38 itself, nor your own weird desire to be certain about your salvation. No. There is another in our church alters whose very existence is a byway we must all pass if we are deemed worthy of inheriting the Oneness Pentecostal truth. We need this man if we are to be certified within the company of the chosen Apostolic remnant. Because of this man, we will forever be exalted in Heaven for "Getting it Right" as opposed to those other, lesser Christians who have made minor, but grievous errors in their interpretation of the Bible and how to go to heaven. ...