#271-CSI (Christian Salvation Investigators): Speaking in Tongues Edition

Fellow Pentecostals, boys, girls, ghouls, and goblins,

I have written to you today with a pang of conviction inside me. I am urgent. I will not be dissuaded from my mission that will be proposed in full below. Open your ears then and give me a fair listen.

It has recently come to my attention that the decision of where we will spend eternity, be it heaven or hell, is not just based on the decision of God, nor Acts 2:38 itself, nor your own weird desire to be certain about your salvation. No. There is another in our church alters whose very existence is a byway we must all pass if we are deemed worthy of inheriting the Oneness Pentecostal truth. We need this man if we are to be certified within the company of the chosen Apostolic remnant. Because of this man, we will forever be exalted in Heaven for "Getting it Right" as opposed to those other, lesser Christians who have made minor, but grievous errors in their interpretation of the Bible and how to go to heaven.

And while Acts 2:38 doesn't mention speaking in tongues, we know darn well that speaking in tongues is implied in the verse for how else are we to gather "evidence" of the receiving of the Holy Ghost.

With that said, the man I am speaking of, is the Speaking in Tongues Certifier who, gracefully throws his ear towards any mouth that may spew weird mouth noises from their mouth because, only he can verify when tongues are spoken. If the tongues aren't weird enough, who cares? If they sound like a cheap phonetic imitation  of Brother or Sister so-and-so's own brand of speaking in tongues, pay no mind.

Whether tongues sounds "authentic" or gobbely-goo or an off-brand of pig-latin, the point is not the language. The point is that any thing other than english is passing out of our mouths. That's the Holy Ghost, and if it chooses to show-up as an endless, monotonous, one syllable repetitive lip-stammer, so be it. Because the Holy Ghost does whatever it darn well pleases. (Side-Note: Since God and the Holy Ghost are the same thing, can we just call it The God Ghost? Seems way more intimidating).

So that's the preface, man. Don't think for one second that I'm questioning the Holy Ghost here.

What I am questioning is how do we know that the tongues certifiers themselves are so trustworthy in the deciding who did and didn't speak in tongues? Especially when it looks real good to announce someone spoke in tongues, like say, one million Ethiopians, even if  a tongue-certifier didn't hear each Ethiopian speak in tongues, since when you're an english speaking evangelist, any one speaking Ethiopian sounds like speaking in tongues. And there were a million Ethiopians, way too many to hear from, duh!

Question: How can Borat show up to an altar at a camp meeting and be certified as a tongue-speaker by a big-time evangelist? Even when Borat was totally being completely insincere and fake.

I can even remember meeting someone who said they "faked" speaking in tongues because they liked a girl who belonged to the church.

So the issue here, and what I aim to resolve, is proper certification of those who "certify" the speaking in tongues of a possible convert.

Someone who has the audacity to tell a crowd of hopeful apostolics, that, that, just right there, that language that "sounds like speaking in tongues" is not really speaking in tongues. And if they question how the tongue certifier "knows" the person doesn't really have the Holy Ghost, tell them "Because the certifier's Holy Ghost is telling him that the possible convert has a "fake-Holy Ghost" causing them to speak in "fake tongues." And that's sound logic ma'am.

What we need is a team of men, bold enough, to be the gateway to heaven for all who may potentially be speaking in tongues. Someone who can divide a demon tongue from Holy tongues. Someone who ain't scared of having to go through the books of a Church's converts  and be willing to say "No, pastor, you didn't really convert 15 people that year since 6 of them were fakes who never came back to church."

Real certified, tongue-certifying men here. A team or a legion, that's what we need.

And they, the chosen one's will have a prophetic enough spirit to do some Christian Salvation Investigations. A CSI investigation to determine, based on disparate, sketchy pieces of abstract spiritual evidence, whether or not someone has really received the Holy Ghost for all the years they have been going to church, or whether they are deluding the whole church just because they like playing the drums on the platform.

This may cost us some cash, but if we're willing to sacrifice in order to hash out the Truth, it's the least we can do.

Because if speaking in tongues is "The evidence" of the Holy Ghost...then we're going to need confirmed witness testimony that the evidence wasn't fake evidence, since speaking in tongues is so inconsistent in the way it gets spoken from church to church and member to member.

I know you'll do the right thing.

For God & Country,

Joel