Stuff Apostolics Like

Let me begin by apologizing for a few things. 1. This is my first post since Joel asked me to join in November. Got kind of busy, but you’ll hear from me a little more consistently from now on. 2. As I had written most of the post back in November, some of the facts are outdated. So as not to bear false witness against my neighbor, please take the “recent” in the first sentence to mean “3 or 4 months ago.” 3. I apologize for the length of this post…got a little carried away. Future posts will not be so long. Enjoy. The best way explain this apostolic “quirk” is to share the recent experience of mine that ultimately led to the formation of this blog. I was in a fairly large prayer meeting recently, when suddenly, amidst the resonating cries of worship and praise being released into the heavens from the people of Zion, I heard a very strong, loud voice in my ear. Unfortunately, I had not just experienced the audible voice of God. No… this voice was more like that of a preacher. How...

On my way into class today I heard a commercial advertising life insurance that stated “For the price of a drive through value meal you can insure your life, the well being of your children, and whoever your wife decides to marry after you!”…or something along those lines. When I heard this I was reminded of the offerings taken up at so many camps and HYC’s I grew up attending. When I was younger the appeal was “After church you’re gonna go to Mickey-D’s (early attempt at relevancy), and you’re gonna spend $5 on a McRib value meal! Well young people (*cringe*), if you have $5 for a McRib then you should have $5 for McJesus! Can I get an amen?!” And then we advanced to “Students, how many of you enjoy Starbucks?” (At which point we usually slouch down, knowing where this is going) “How many of you enjoy a Vent-ay coffee from Starrrbucks??” (another attempt at relevance) “Well young people, My wife loves Starbucks, and one day I was with her when she ordered. Now, she said some Ita...

The Phenomenon in Context So here's the rundown . . . Altar call is winding down, you've gotten all the Holy Ghost you could humanly handle, wiped away your conviction-induced tears with altar kleenex, and quietly slipped back to your previously claimed spot on the pew , head bowed in quiet meditation while waiting for the preacherly all-call that it's okay for the sanctuary to transition from holy ground to chatting grounds. But no altar service is complete without one final appeal for special needs. Since this is during altar call/post-altar call and the need is a special one, laying on of hands is a must. BUT . . . since most people have already drifted back to their seats in anticipation of the preacherly all-call, there is no bum rush mob of a myriad of spiritually shaking hands applied, as is wont in the heat of an altar call. Oh, no. Instead, there is a simple appeal to "stretch out your hand" to the person standing in need. It's as if to say, "...

Editor’s Note: At the Stuff Apostolics Like blogging institute that consists of a simple blanket fort made out of a giant blanket and two kitchen chairs facing back to back some 5 feet apart, we wrestle from time to time on our purpose….. Remembering to take a minute and laugh at ourselves is our number one goal. However, I readily admit that this goal can come across cynical and overly deconstructive in it’s ambitions. So today, in this blog I want to introduce to you a new wing of a blog topic that seeks to build on our understanding and not destroy… It’s the slightly informative/slightly humorous/slightly obnoxious blog entry…And with this blog entry a side purpose is to educate as well as laugh. Of course these blog types will be few and far between, but let this serve as a forewarning as to not confuse when they do arrive….. without further adieu, The age old custom of dressing up for church isn’t so aged and isn’t so old. First, there is no record of average congre...

A common trait of members of the Apo movement is the desire to gauge where fellow churchgoers are spiritually. Some would say that our “holiness standards” do a good job of creating criteria by which to grade fellow apo’s. While this may not be the goal of such standards, it has become an implicit secondary function. However, I do not wish to discuss the role of standards in this post (as we are not there yet as a community), but the grading scale by which church patrons are measured. There are two ends of the grading scale: a.) ---- In Church b.) ---- Backslidden The criteria for being considered “in church” entails that said patron regularly attends all scheduled church meeting times, astutely holds all standards of their local assembly, has an upstanding reputation and abstains from all social taboo’s. The criteria for being backslidden entails that said patron irregularly attends church, or not at all, holds to a small percentage or none of the standards of the local asse...

If I were a betting woman, I'd be willing to bet that the most popular bone in the Apostolic Body of Christ is the backbone, hands down. Backbone basics What's with the backbone talk? Well, it usually revolves around preaching in which the speaker: 1. congratulates himself for having one, given the intensity of his preaching and his unconcern with the possibility of offense. 2. praises the congregation for having one, given that they're continuing to listen to him and not getting up and leaving. 3. exhorts the spineless to grow one. 4. enumerates the lamentable state of those spineless unwilling to grow one. Who actually has one? Now that we have an idea of the context of the backbone, it's important to delineate who actually possesses said backbone(s) within the context: 1. Whoever claims someone else is missing one. 2. "Real" Apostolics (i.e. Not the fake ones. Kinda like how there are parts of America that are "real" and the rest is fake? We...

So an anonymous source recommended this post to me, and I immediately wondered what was wrong with my head in that I did not think of it previously. It was so obvious..... The open-ended altar call to Apostolic Churches is like the undesired pin-prick after a well-managed doctor's appointment. Or perhaps it is more comparable to that dread you get when you turn on your street and see your house after having a 2 week vacation of your dreams. It's not like the house did anything bad, it just represents a whole bunch of other things: Drama, work, monotony.  Whatever analogy you want, the point is the open-ended altar call is one of the hardest things to manage within our denomination in it's entirety, and it always comes at the conclusion of a very exciting and raucous church service. Gettin Some God... The preacher has preached a valiant message. One of those that inspires hope, repentance, and appreciation all at the same time. The preacher has walked us through lo...

Happy New Year everyone! I know, it's way past New Year's, but that's when I started writing this post . . . I'm just now getting around to finishing it. Wine denial Well, off the heels of our annual New Year's Eve Watchnight service I'm reminded of a little controversy that always arises with regards to the drink of choice to represent the blood of Christ during communion. Oh, and also when we discuss Jesus' miracle célèbre, turning the water into, yes, wine. It's just that in our version he turned the water into Welch's. I've always wondered what was up with that. Pentecostals, on average, suffer from what I'd like to call "wine denial." C'mon. Wine was in the Bible. Wine, as in, a drink with alcoholic content. Seriously, Noah didn't get plastered from drinking some measly grape juice. Disclaimer (you knew it was coming) Does the Bible caution against excess? Indeed. Doesn't Proverbs say that "wine is a ...

In my district alone I can name almost 20, annual yearly large scale gatherings. The UPC itself puts on several national events every year. I know of no other movement or organization quite as infatuated as gathering its membership and rallying the troops as Apo/Pento culture. Most of these events usually follow the same structure and possess similar characteristics/attendees. When the WPF spun off of the UPC the first thing they did was establish their annual yearly meetings, including P.E.A.K (*snicker*), SUMMIT (the national conference), as well as coastal conferences, bible conferences, men’s and women’s conferences, dog’s conferences, break dancing conferences, Ultimate Fighting conferences.. oh wait.. Sorry I got carried away. But seriously, what is the infatuation with conferences in ‘costal culture? This post isn’t meant to lampoon the gatherings, just to inquire why we’re so obsessed with getting together? It appears the organizers of these gatherings have goals in mind for th...

Laying out plans for the future, or even daydreaming out loud, is an activity most humans engage in daily. Our own lives are fascinating to us and we can’t help but take a vested interest in what may or may not happen. However, if you’ve ever spent any considerable amount of time speaking with Apostolics on this topic, you may have noticed something of a unique verbal hiccup thrown in at the end of a future-tense statement. Example: “Someday, once I get a little money put back, I’d really love to take a trip. You know, somewhere exotic like Branson, Missouri or maybe even Israel.” This sentence is followed immediately by, “That is, if the Lord tarries.” With obvious exceptions Pentecostalism is generally understood to be a millennial movement. Apostolics believe that God is in fact returning in the very near future and they’d better be ready for it. Pentecostals certainly aren’t alone in this belief, nearly every religion or theory (see Marxism) has its own eschatology, but where...

(I have to apologize in advance for the scatter-shot and the generally disorganized nature of the post. It was written in the midst of final term papers, holiday activities, and the intellectual malaise brought on by winter break. Hopefully future posts will be greatly superior in quality.) While driving through a small town recently I was taken aback by the seemingly odd assortment of flags in front of a locally owned franchise restaurant. There were three flags: The state flag, the American flag, and the Israeli flag. Wait. What? One of these doesn't fit. I understood the first two, but the third? I asked a local what the reason could possibly be. Was the owner Israeli or Jewish, perhaps? Nope. A particularly large contingent of Israeli's in the town? Nope. Traditional Jewish holiday in observance? Nope. Itzhak Perlman playing anywhere near? Nope. Frankly I was stumped, and then I made a last ditch guess. Is the owner Pentecostal? Local: "Why, yes, I think...