Friday, August 23, 2013

#278 -Holy Magic Hair as a cure for the HIV

Last week,  I posted a status about a Youth Congress sermon about the HIV and uncut hair and people thought I was being satirical. And as much as I wish it was a farce, it truly wasn't...

Youth Congress did happen. And by all accounts it was youth congress: Except even more boring. 

However, there was the usual lot of screaming preachers with angry hand gestures. And these preachers talked about how important their beliefs were in spite of the truth: No one really cared except for the kids who were there, and most of them seemed to care too much about the hype and too little thinking about what was said.

Of course there was some fornicating, dancing, and tears.... all expected. All monotonous. All boring.... aka the same thing I predicted about 2011 Youth Congress ended up being very true about 2013 Youth Congress as well...

And all was well with the world....

With the Holy Exception that was James Maroney. It was he who was preaching in his home-state of Kentucky last week. And it was he who had all the expectations of the Youth Congress world fall on his shoulders. It was he who would not disappoint. And by "not disappoint" I really mean it was he who would carry the future of the UPC on his back in one single sermon....

Because from the porch of a plantation (Kentucky being the last state to free the slaves), James Maroney announced that he officially hates the devil:

And that was towards the end of the allegedly inspired and ridiculously obvious content that was preached that night....

The entire sermon can be found here since the embedding is disabled. But if you listen for too long you'll feel your brain slowly deteriorate as if it was watching an MTV reality television show:

But if you want the Sparknotes version of Maroney's entire sermon, realize this is the overall conclusion: 

Unfortunately for Maroney the previous quote from his sermon wasn't the dumbest thing he said. 

He did have far more laughable crap to shoot out of his mouth. In fact he delivered the single dumbest testimony I've ever heard in church:

If you didn't get the above message, here it is:

We have found the cure to the HIV. And lucky for us it has nothing to do with biology or science or the New York Times crossword puzzle. In fact all the billions of dollars spent on HIV research over the past thirty years was totally a non-factor. Because the cure to the HIV you see, was in the hair:

Uncut hair to be exact.

Forget protected sex. Forget abstinence. Forget science. Forget bestiality even.

 The surest way to prevent the HIV and to cure it is uncut hair. 

Problem with the scientific community: They forgot to ask us of Apostolic fame what exactly God wanted the cure to be.  

Because God's answer to the HIV is a bold and proud, loud shout: "UNCUT HAIR!"

And don't call it magic hair. Because it's a medical solution: Just don't cut your hair ladies. And the good Lord, He is with you. (If you're a dude nurse, I'm so so sorry but there's no hope).

James Maroney does not give two flips whether or not you think he's crazy, because the proof is in the pudding. And by pudding, I mean the proof is in the uncut hair...

Forget the fact that this kind of needle pricking thing from an HIV victim happens to nurses over 16,000 times a year. Forget the fact that of those 16,000 nurses who end up pricked with HIV contaminated needles, that 0.45% of all those nurses end up with HIV (source from an ivy league institution found here). 

That means out of 16,000 nurses who run into the problem that Maroney's nurse runs into, only 72 at the very most end up with HIV. 

But Maroney says forget the number crunching FORGAWDSAKES!   Forget the stats. Forget the research. Forget the math. Forget the science. James Maroney has discovered the cure for the HIV apparently.

If James Maroney said it, it must be true, right? It's the uncut hair that saved the women's life. And that's just how miracles work okay?!?

Miracles work at a .45% rate these days. And that's the Maroney MAGIC  HAIR LINE!

It's science. Complex Einstein stuff right here.

And let's forget about how stupid God must be if he's really up in heaven watching all these kids born with HIV in Africa die out simply because they or their mother didn't have uncut hair (2.2 million people die of AIDS annually).

As much as one testimony sounds real cool and can get a bunch of  youth riled up, let's think about the bigger consequences of what this ignorant preacher is saying: It's not about research or science or millions of unjust deaths: It's about the HAIR!

If you didn't catch that, I'm implying that Maroney is a flat out idiot.

The UPC should be ashamed of itself if it doesn't condemn such nonsense. There used to be many ministers in the UPC talking against the Magic hair doctrine and somehow their voices have been silenced in the past years. All the while idiots like Dr. Maroney get to spout their hateful, ignorant doctrines.

Talk to your pastors and let them know that as fun as an uncut hair/HIV testimony sounds, that it's simply hateful and unbiblical. 

And either that Maroney guy goes to hell in his imbecilic Southern arrogance (assuming he doesn't repent for his heresy), or I'm happily whistling my way to hell myself.... Because there's no way a merciful God exists who promotes such self-aggrandizing apostolic identity boasting venom. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

#277- Half-Church

(credit for post-title goes to someone who probably does not want to be named around these parts)...

What is half-church? Imagine watching a rated R movie you have no business watching while you're parents are asleep. Imagine sneaking into one of those demon-houses aka movie theaters. Imagine all those YUCKY conversations Pentecostal girls have during bachelorette parties. Imagine make-up on the girls and boys listening to some gangsta rap circa 1994...... Imagine swearing when you're angry and fornicating in your car. Imagine all of this... 

and then imagine that God comes and visits you after any and all of these sins and says, "You know what?!? No big deal. Actually, I'm all for your secret sins. In fact, don't worry about hiding it next time. You do you and enjoy it." and then God starts to walk away but right before he heads back up to heaven he turns back to you and says "YOLO!!!!" And he's gone.

And then imagine the feeling you would feel after God told you he was cool with all of those imaginative sins... And then you can begin to understand what Half-Church is. 

Half-Church is in short: In and all boring-to-fun activities that are sanctioned by the church during regularly scheduled church time, but are in fact not church. In other words: Special Church Presentations. AKA "Half-Church."

  • Church picnics. 
  • Bathroom breaks. 
  • Church dramas.
  •  Missionary media presentations with the lights out. 
  • Church naps. 
  • Children's dramas.
  • Kid Choir
  • Promotion Sunday
  • Christmas plays
  • Sanctuary Laughter en masse.
  • The bequeathing of certificates (e.g. baptismal, holy ghost, "Most likely to backslide," etc...)
  • Church softball
  • Changing poopy diapers in the nursery and gossiping amongst the other mothers.   
  • Church Skits
  • Fire Drills (yes, I swear this happened more than once at my old church)
Half-Church is basically experiencing feelings and emotions during church that would normally not be permitted within the perimeters of an ordinary church service And yet because it's Half-Church, you don't have to feel bad for feeling these feelings of joy and relief and comfort. 

Why do we like half-church so much? Because we don't have to bear the burden of trying to Get God. Nor do we have to worry about acting like we're trying to get God. Nor do we have to worry about anyone else much less the time because we're all here and we're all having a great time of camaraderie thank you very much.... 

Unlike talking in church during the sermon, half-church never ever wants you to feel bad for having a good time. Because Pentecostals and Pastor himself can let loose sometimes you see?!? Don't you dare say we ApoPento's don't know how to have fun. Because we do. We have inflatable devises during church picnics!!!

Half-church is a vacation from church during church and it's all authorized by God Himself. And that's why we wild ApoPento's love us some Half-Church.

It's like Miley Cyrus' "We Can't Stop" song except without all the references to sin.