#208-Cupid Jesus

First, this post was recommended by Laura Del Vescio. We should all be thankful to her. She used her own life as a testament to the following argument (well parts of it).....

Secondly, one of the greatest features of our movement is the admiration of blooming romances of loving young ones amongst our movement. The hand holding, the cute picture on facebook (with a photo album dedicated to the two in love), the overly-involved in-laws to be (Are not the apostolics the worst at the concept that when you date someone you are also dating their family?).....

The thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars spent for the Apostolic wedding in the name of the bride wanting to have a "wedding to remember" which will be forgotten except for the photo album that the bride/groom spent 300 dollars on that will sit under their couch and be looked upon by the Apostolic wife who mourns the loss of such happiness as the wedding and in this mourning takes out the wedding album secretly and wonders what went wrong in their marriage...

except for maybe she hasn't come to grips with the fact that her husband isn't a 108 year old vampire or Ryan Gosling and if she accepts that her expectations for marriage weren't as low as they should have been (she picture her husband climbing ferris wheels for her and throwing cars over to save dying children in the name of her!) then the whole torment of how mundane and boring marriage is wouldn't be there...

O no....cynical rant that has nothing to do with this post....apologies...

 Here is who God is for Apostolic Females: A Giant loving cupid who will give you a preacher husband if you pray enough and don't cut your hair...EVER...and if you obey authority.In fact, I would argue that an Apostolic Female's true Christian walk can never actually begin until after she has gotten married because, frankly, much of the female's interest in God is to get married and praying that God would provide her a Strong, praying, preaching husband who challengers her and makes her laugh and understands the feminine mystique completely.

And oh the insanity...just below the surface of the apostolic female who finds herself unmarried at 25....You can see it in her eyes...the looks she gives....the horror of her reality. She is over a quarter century old and God has not provided her THE ONE! Is it her? Is it her looks? Why do all the stupid girls seem to get more interest than her? And to oppress this bubbling insanity, the girl tells herself that God has chosen her especially capable of being tested and thus if she has more patience God will reward her with a king.

I am so sexist right now.

Let me explain my stereotypes as follows: I sincerely believe we need female ministers/preachers/licensed ministers/pastors in our movement. I really do. I think the fact that equality is not given to females in ministry in our movement is a very direct cause of why we see so many females as incomplete (in their minds) without a husband (her will hopefully have a strong ministry himself).

Okay...but there is a missing aspect of relationship within our movement: God's Will!...

If you have ever been part of any kind of sensible Apostolic relationship, you will know "God's Will" is a very critical matter in regards to romantic Apostolic relationships. A boy or girl could be madly in love in a relationship....but for Apostolics, there is a triad relationship: Boy, Girl, and God's Will.

"I love you." -She Says
"I love you." -He Says
"But, does God's Will know about us..." -She says
(awkward silence.....boy scratches top of head and looks towards ground)
"You haven't talked to God's Will about us?!?"-She Says
"Well..."-He Says
"Well... what! Are you ashamed of me, is that it?"-She says
"No! I have brought it up here and there to him in conversation."-He Says
"Did he hear you?"-She Says
"Well God's Will has not said anything back. Let's put it that way." -He says
"Then let's ask him!..."-She Says
"The relationship is not God's will." -Pastor Says
"(Shrugs shoulders)Okay, good bye then. Fun while it lasted." -She says...


God's Will is the mystical character that is appealed to as the out of a relationship. If there are no bumps in the relationship, then it must be God's will. When one in the relationship starts to have hesitations about the relationship,  God's will is appealed to as the ultimate source of the problems.

And then when man or woman are single....

God's Will is prayed to and for without hesitancy but rather with boldness. When  a boy or girl who is single starts to develop a serious crush on another potential mate...God's will is appealed to not as the "Should I or shouldn't I?" but rather is sought as..."Listen God's Will, I love that girl over there. You need to pull some strings to make this happen. Shoot in arrow full of romance juice at her or something...."

And "God's Will" instead of the out (as when one is in a relationship), is now the Strong, Impeccable Force  that will cease at nothing to make a romance happen. God's will then is ultimate matchmaker.

And as we mentioned, ultimate Breakup-Maker.

And the awkward thing is we never want to think it is our flesh distorting God's Will. "Those butterflies that make me feel good when I see the girl I like....those can't be from me...those must be a result of God's Will. God so wants me to marry that girl."

or....

"The fact that I realized he doesn't have as good of a personality as i imagined and my sudden fickleness is without any other explanation...this must be God's way of showing me, He is not the one."

God's will becomes a giant excuse to seek destruction by breaking up or a giant magnet that forces to unknowable boy/girl innocent creatures to fall in love.

I had a friend who was constantly told by  various girls growing up that God had showed them it was His will for my friend and the girl to marry. As if the girl was really saying "look, I know where we are ending up...because God told me...and it just so happens that god told me I am to marry you because I think you are devilishly attractive and you sing good. Which works out for me (though maybe not for you since I'm not very attractive and you haven't spoken more than 3 words to me before this conversation). So don't fight...let's just get this romance moving, okay?"

That same friend of mine even once had a girl's mother go up to my friends mom and let her know that God had confirmed with the mother that her daughter was indeed supposed to marry my friend.

So not only does God's will reinforce crushes....but then there are CONFIRMATIONS!

And at the end of the day, my shallow friend will telly you, "yeah, she's ugly and she laughs quite annoyingly. Skip it."

And my poor friend...ignoring GOD'S WILL! A WILL SO FIRM THERE ARE MOTHERLY CONFIRMATIONS!

And then the girl goes off to bible college and gets married to some other dude within a year and she nonetheless finds "God's REAL WILL" in the process...

How does Jesus feel?

Let's thinkabout it...

Jesus' first miracle as recorded in John? Well it was the whole turning water into wine thing...

But let's think about this a minute...when Mary first asks Jesus to do something about the wine that was consumed....Jesus' response was...

 "WOMAN, WHY DO YOU INVOLVE ME?!?"

In other words...Jesus teaches us it's okay to call our mother's "Woman" and also...he really hates weddings so much he would rather not intervene with anything. A miserable wedding without wine is a wedding Jesus is much more comfortable at (YAY! Apostolic Weddings!)...

And then Mary prepares for the miracle anyways because she doesn't know how to obey God....

And Jesus is like "This is cruel. Weddings are miserable places. And I'm God and I can do anything, like make this place a lot more lively and less like a funeral...."

And Jesus turns water into wine at a wedding. Because, the reality is....he doesn't really care who is getting married, he just likes to use a wedding as the perfect setting to make Apostolics feel awkward that Jesus' first miracle was after calling Mary "Woman" and then proceeded to turn precious water into tubs full of wine to keep the party going...

So next time you are wondering about God's will in regards to a relationship and wrestle back and fourth remind yourself...Well how does Jesus handle this? And the only time he is at a wedding in the gospels....he doesn't care to do much (or speak for or against the married couple)...he just makes sure the DJ sticks around and wine is served...

(AND PLEASE DON'T GO INTO THE "BUT BUT BUT.......the WINE BACK THEN WASN"T REALLY WINE.....THE ALCOHOL WASN'T NEARLY AS MUCH, etc....that is such escapism. Why does Paul encourage us not to be drunkards many times over if this was the case?).