Monday, August 24, 2015

#286 - The Stoneking Hypothesis: Sound vs. Air Theology




Years ago, Lee Stoneking gave this blog an audience without realizing it. Literally, discussing the science of his Holy Magic Hair Theory caused the blog to go from a few hits a day (thanks mom) to getting hits from my mother, two aunts, and any girlfriend who gets past the three date anniversary. And that's exciting. Except we at SAL have gone our separate ways from Stoneking.... 

And like two star-crossed lovers, I felt in my heart of hearts that a reunion was imminent. I just didn't know how to start a conversation again with someone who meant so much to the blog and myself. Yet luckily Stoneking started it at Youth Congress when this happened....




Let's get this straight: Stoneking has a theory that shouting attacks the air and conversely attacks the Prince of Air himself: Satan. The theory of evolution may not check out, but Lee Stoneking's theory of Sound vs. Air absolutely checks out. Because the Bible. And because,  hashtag loud noises matter.

The theory: Joshua decided to enter Canaan and kill anyone else living there (women and children alike) and had a whole lot of success until he got to Jericho and there were walls around the city, so some marching and loud noises caused the city walls to fall and thus we can conclude that sound noises caused wall-failure.

Except with Lee Stoneking, shouting causes air particles to get shredded speedily and a take-no-prisoners, wam-bam-thank-you-mam kind of recklessness. And for Stoneking, no walls will collapse, however, because that would be physical proof of a miracle and that's not his style. Instead, tongues are spoken. Crying happens. And this all checks out. Apostolic Sound vs. Air, and Apo Sound wins.

But the critical discovery regarding the Stoneking Shout vs. Air hypothesis is that while studying the issue scientifically and Biblically, Dr. Lee Stoneking realized that Satan himself was the Prince of that very Air that was shredded by Shout.

Further Hypotheses
Whilst Dr. Stoneking is currently nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize about this discovery, several minor logistical questions remain.

Question 1: If Satan is the Prince of the Air, who are the King and Queen of the Air?

We may never know. But if, as rumor has it, that the King of the Air is God Himself, then aren't we attacking God every time we shout? (more research needed).

      Question 1. A: If God is the King of the Air and Satan is the Prince of the Air, is God the Father of Satan? Is this like the opposite of Darth Vader revealing "Luke, I am your father?" (more research needed)

Aside: I'm not an air particle expert here as the Shout vs. Air Science is a newly constructed field. Therefore I will have to to defer to our resident Air-depletion specialist, Dr, Lee Stoneking regarding such matters in the mean time.

Question 2: If shouting attacks air, is it possible that one of the main causes of global warming is humans having a loud shout? After all, scientists agree that the amount of O-Zone depletion has increased at silly exponential rates within the past two hundred years. Is it then a coincidence that during this very same 200 years that the rate of human shouting has increased at nearly the exact same rate?

And if I'm correct (more research needed), and the smoking gun of global warming is shouting humans, then can we just let the global warming blame-game about pollution be put to rest?

         Question 2. A. Does screaming count as shouting? (From the video of Youth Congress' Great Shout Invasion, it seems screaming was permissible to shed and deplete air particles.) And if so, how much damage did the Jews cause the atmosphere when six million of them were screaming for their life in the gas chamber?

                Question 2 A. 1. What kind of injuries did Satan sustain after the aforementioned Jewish Air-Scream invasion of the early 1940's?

Observations: Observed that a lot of the air particle depletion from Congress occurred in a setting where screaming and shouting was encouraged amongst thousands of youths. A setting where one could openly emit LOUD NOISES in order to kill Satan, and ALSO NOT be declared a crazy, a wimp, a rebel rouser or be suspected of possible terrorist intentions. Actually Congress may have been the only place in the world where screaming & shouting would be rewarded with a fist pump or a bro-hug even though tears were clearly stuck in your eye-lashes.

Testing & Results: Rumor has it that the Oklahoma Air Particle Assault did not end at Congress but found it's way to many a church the following weekend(s). And the scientific measurements of just a sample of these church confirmed that air particle shreddings were not limited to 23,000 insecure adolescents making loud noises for emotional effect. No sir. In fact, air particles were depleted at the exact same rate no matter the amount of shouters within a venue. One loud shouting home missions church of eight people and a pet cat named Steve reported that they were "having difficulty breathing and feeling slightly light headed" after  having a Shout alter call service for a whole twenty minutes. The good news is that inside sources tell me that after this shout attack, that Satan is nursing an ACL tear and is expected to be out of any spiritual warfare activity for at least 6-9 months,

Sound vs. Air Theology in Action:  After finding out that Satan was injured and in hiding over a bit of shouting at the air, I have taken up the task of shouting in wherever the Spirit compels me to. Sure I was alone in the shout each time, and sure it was way awkward to be amongst people who didn't have one clue about the amount of Air destruction they could commit with some loud vocals, but when Satan's on the retreat, there's no time to explain why you were shouting out loud.

And who care's if you found yourself escorted out of a TSA airplane line because you shouted. The air is being shredded and that's more important.

And sure you'll get sweared at next to a man in a urinal as the Spirit compels you to  give a loud shout. But even if the man next to you is mid-poop, be rest assured, that your very shout may be preventing a Satanic attack on his soul at that very moment. Tell him to thank you for your shout.

Conclusion: When the tried and true theory of the Lee Stoneking Sound vs. Air theology is confirmed within academia, we'll have more visitors in our church from the shouting revival services for the next week or two and as a result of all the outbursts of emotion, salvation will be easier for the seekers which means even more ridiculous and asinine pseudo-science theologies to manipulate a crowd to get a reaction. And in two months, we'll forget any of this ever happened.

P.S. More Stoneking Love coming soon.

15 comments:

  1. a+ satire. thanks joel, the internet needs more posts like this.

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  2. This is golden. This blog is the greatest. Never stop with the comedy.

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  3. If the man next to you is mid-poop at a urinal, I believe it's okay to shout.

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  4. Wow! Is that video learned emotionalism at its finest or what?

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  5. Well written, even so this blog was just taking the term, "out of context", to a whole new level.

    I believe those people believe that there is a certain time and place to "shout/scream" in togetherness, and create some kind of declaration that I personally believe comes from deep with in their hearts.

    That's honestly why I think they reacted like this.

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    1. There's another word for it. It's called delusion.

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    2. Disillusioned or not, its a powerful act, undeniably, and its worth wondering why there aren't other phenomena like this, in this manner. At least not that I've heard.

      The one thing I observe from watching this is that this is 100% sincere and a sort of earnest. But .. nevertheless quite crazy.

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    3. So are sports games and concerts. The atmosphere is just as electric, and the phenomena is the exact same - Christians just like to say it isn't. The disillusionment comes from trying to put a supernatural explanation on what is presumed to be inexplicable. It's simple sociology and anthropology, nothing more.

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    4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jcq8M_JpFs

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGQgWFc0434

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRIIftpjYPc

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    5. This is also an amazing example

      https://youtu.be/hTGl4iQJqH8?t=276

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  6. The videos! A perfect response.Do you give your email Glen?

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  7. I did a video on the guy, check it out : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IK6Fr53Juzo&t=1315s

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  8. you may call this what ever makes you feel good but their are some missing facts. The first being that if you truly believe the word of God is true or not... If you do not then our conversation is closed because we have no common ground for conversation.. If you do believe that the word of God is true and you trust or have faith that God Is and that God is the rewarder of those that diligently seek him... this is full diligence... at its finest.. maybe not the way you would like to react to the power of God but the way many Apostolic's respond..Scripture??? must have scriptures... Okay. Psa_98:4 Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. Isa_12:6 Cry out and shout, thou inhabitant of Zion: for great is the Holy One of Israel in the midst of thee. Psa_132:9 Let thy priests be clothed with righteousness; and let thy saints shout for joy. Psa_47:1 To the chief Musician, A Psalm for the sons of Korah. O clap your hands, all ye people; shout unto God with the voice of triumph. Now if you have a great victory you have a great shouting also.. the greater the victory the greater the shout... Its not uncommon they do this in every stadium and ballpark across the United States..Psa_32:11 Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart. 1Sa_4:6 And when the Philistines heard the noise of the shout, they said, What meaneth the noise of this great shout in the camp of the Hebrews? And they understood that the ark of the LORD was come into the camp. Now the Philistines were fearful because the great shout and knowing that the Presents of the Almighty God was in the camp of the Hebrews... well anyway they thought so and rehearsed what had happened to others that opposed Gods people... I would never be so bold as to oppose something that I know very little about and when they shouted with a great shout.. the Walls came down... Yes God was in the shout.. and he is still in the shout of his people... End of Story...





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