Thursday, June 30, 2011


A Pastor's welcoming message to the guests first service.
Hello, welcome to the Apostolic church service. God will be here. It's good that you are here. Join us, as we worship God.

This first visit will be nothing like you have seen before. It will be awesome.

Why? Because we are Apostolic, that's why.

Don't know what Apostolic means?

Just read Acts 2 and you'll know where we come from.

Sure the sun won't be darkened, nor will the moon be drowned in blood like Peter describes in the Last Days.

Heck, we don't even have the tongues of fire that's described.

But we do have the Truth. and God. And our Apostolic Identity. This is important.

Also don't include the last few verses of Acts 2 that describe the Apostolic experience as having Communion daily or having all possessions in common. That's just not realistic to our capitalistic society.

But trust us, we're as Apostolic as you can get without being a communist.

Also read Acts 2:38... it's kind of a big deal.

Also, let me reiterate.... it's about to get CRAAAAAAZY UP IN HERE. This is part of being Apostolic.

The same pastor's message to the same guest's fifth church service.

Welcome Back again!

It's great having you.

I noticed you are still dressed like Jezebel?

Don't worry about it. If you still aren't trying to dress like us in six months then we'll talk. Because the Holy Ghost and Brother Steve will provide you with the necessary information to tell you how to dress, which will end up being dressing like us. Because we are Apostolic and we have the truth.

If you don't listen to the verses Brother Steve shows you then it means you don't have the Holy Ghost.

You have a question?

(Pause to hear question)

Ah yes... today's service....Our CRAAZZYY Apostolic services...

Funny you should mention it.

Yes, I know what you mean... About how the craziness seems as repetitious here as going to the bathroom on a daily basis for everyone else...

But I guess..... (scratches head)..... Well, geeze...

I guess that's how God chooses to work!

Yes! God happens to work the same two ways in each and every service... Either you will feel sad and cry because you did something naughty or you LOVE GOD JUST THAT MUCH (at which point the music will correspond perfectly with this remorse)

Or God happens to make you dance yourself Clean (at which point the music will once again seem to match PERFECTLY with what God is doing)....

I assure you this is how God wants it....

The program of craziness is the way God wants it, and the normalization of the craziness you speak of is just a secondary, unintended consequence of God's Pentecostal SPONTANITY!

We have SUITS Too!

And the Truth....

And if you don't like the way our CRAAAAAZY service is, then i'm afraid you don't have the truth....

So come and get crazy, and if you happen to get bored, consider that boredom as part of the Cross you have to bear in order to sacrifice yourself to God's Truth.... Where is a better place to learn sacrifice than at God's house?

(pause for another question)

No! You are not the Temple of God. This building is.


  1. I "lol'd" at "No! You are not the Temple of God. This building is."

  2. you are a hoot. Spot on again.

  3. Excellent and quite funny! I liked the "You must not have the HG if you aren't dressing like us." Because our Senior Pastor (who is quite old) actually has SAID this before. He's a little senile...he does and says a lot of weird things. I could blog about him, it would have people lol-ing all throughout the blogosphere.

    On a more serious note - the part about how it's always crazy and the crazy is repetitious made me think of our last revival. We had a visiting church who got their church on FOR REAL. They were "old fashioned Pentecost" to the core. Aisle Walking, Warhoops, shaking people down (aka praying with them) it was pure madness and I could tell this was their normal behavior. I couldn't help but think that their church has been around for 20 years or more, and they still only run 30 people. Somethin' ain't addin' up! Warhoop all you want, but if new people aren't "added to the kingdom" then it's just a bunch of noise!

  4. A friend emailed me this article - I thought it made some interesting points!

  5. Just out of curiosity...are you "content" where you currently attend church?

  6. I almost peed when I read how it is as repetitious as peeing! ;-)

  7. This is exactly how it is. Church gets very repetitious. and after a while it's just like UGHHH. Do something different! But I don't go to church expecting the same move of God. It's always a different experience for me.