Wednesday, April 3, 2013

#271-CSI (Christian Salvation Investigators): Speaking in Tongues Edition

Fellow Pentecostals, boys, girls, ghouls, and goblins,

I have written to you today with a pang of conviction inside me. I am urgent. I will not be dissuaded from my mission that will be proposed in full below. Open your ears then and give me a fair listen.

It has recently come to my attention that the decision of where we will spend eternity, be it heaven or hell, is not just based on the decision of God, nor Acts 2:38 itself, nor your own weird desire to be certain about your salvation. No. There is another in our church alters whose very existence is a byway we must all pass if we are deemed worthy of inheriting the Oneness Pentecostal truth. We need this man if we are to be certified within the company of the chosen Apostolic remnant. Because of this man, we will forever be exalted in Heaven for "Getting it Right" as opposed to those other, lesser Christians who have made minor, but grievous errors in their interpretation of the Bible and how to go to heaven.

And while Acts 2:38 doesn't mention speaking in tongues, we know darn well that speaking in tongues is implied in the verse for how else are we to gather "evidence" of the receiving of the Holy Ghost.

With that said, the man I am speaking of, is the Speaking in Tongues Certifier who, gracefully throws his ear towards any mouth that may spew weird mouth noises from their mouth because, only he can verify when tongues are spoken. If the tongues aren't weird enough, who cares? If they sound like a cheap phonetic imitation  of Brother or Sister so-and-so's own brand of speaking in tongues, pay no mind.

Whether tongues sounds "authentic" or gobbely-goo or an off-brand of pig-latin, the point is not the language. The point is that any thing other than english is passing out of our mouths. That's the Holy Ghost, and if it chooses to show-up as an endless, monotonous, one syllable repetitive lip-stammer, so be it. Because the Holy Ghost does whatever it darn well pleases. (Side-Note: Since God and the Holy Ghost are the same thing, can we just call it The God Ghost? Seems way more intimidating).

So that's the preface, man. Don't think for one second that I'm questioning the Holy Ghost here.

What I am questioning is how do we know that the tongues certifiers themselves are so trustworthy in the deciding who did and didn't speak in tongues? Especially when it looks real good to announce someone spoke in tongues, like say, one million Ethiopians, even if  a tongue-certifier didn't hear each Ethiopian speak in tongues, since when you're an english speaking evangelist, any one speaking Ethiopian sounds like speaking in tongues. And there were a million Ethiopians, way too many to hear from, duh!

Question: How can Borat show up to an altar at a camp meeting and be certified as a tongue-speaker by a big-time evangelist? Even when Borat was totally being completely insincere and fake.

I can even remember meeting someone who said they "faked" speaking in tongues because they liked a girl who belonged to the church.

So the issue here, and what I aim to resolve, is proper certification of those who "certify" the speaking in tongues of a possible convert.

Someone who has the audacity to tell a crowd of hopeful apostolics, that, that, just right there, that language that "sounds like speaking in tongues" is not really speaking in tongues. And if they question how the tongue certifier "knows" the person doesn't really have the Holy Ghost, tell them "Because the certifier's Holy Ghost is telling him that the possible convert has a "fake-Holy Ghost" causing them to speak in "fake tongues." And that's sound logic ma'am.

What we need is a team of men, bold enough, to be the gateway to heaven for all who may potentially be speaking in tongues. Someone who can divide a demon tongue from Holy tongues. Someone who ain't scared of having to go through the books of a Church's converts  and be willing to say "No, pastor, you didn't really convert 15 people that year since 6 of them were fakes who never came back to church."

Real certified, tongue-certifying men here. A team or a legion, that's what we need.

And they, the chosen one's will have a prophetic enough spirit to do some Christian Salvation Investigations. A CSI investigation to determine, based on disparate, sketchy pieces of abstract spiritual evidence, whether or not someone has really received the Holy Ghost for all the years they have been going to church, or whether they are deluding the whole church just because they like playing the drums on the platform.

This may cost us some cash, but if we're willing to sacrifice in order to hash out the Truth, it's the least we can do.

Because if speaking in tongues is "The evidence" of the Holy Ghost...then we're going to need confirmed witness testimony that the evidence wasn't fake evidence, since speaking in tongues is so inconsistent in the way it gets spoken from church to church and member to member.

I know you'll do the right thing.

For God & Country,



  1. So true! While I do believe tongues will come forth with the initial infilling of the Holy Ghost, it is true that not everyone that utters a strange sound has received. I've seen many claim to speak in tongues, and within weeks be so far away from God you would never dream they were ever close. It's sad really...

  2. Personally, I miss the times when Acts 2:38 was actually preaches in it's fullness.. It used to be that a preacher would give an altar call and there was repentance and genuine turning away from sin.. They did not tell someone that they had received the Holy Ghost but it was visible to all that there had been an acceptance of the Lord of Lords into their lives and it became filled with the joy of the Holy Ghost..They told everyone that they felt something incredible.. Joy unspeakable and of course the speaking in tongues.. We are robbing people by telling them that a few words spoken is all there is and that they don't feel anything.. I beg your pardon.. I knew it when I received it.. No one had to tell me.. It was an experience that is solid and cannot be refuted because I experience it.. No one told me I had it.. It was not about come and get the Holy Ghost but come and repent of your sins and turn your life around, be baptized in His Name and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost..
    It was not about the number who received the talking in tongues but that someone actually was saved.. Saved from a life of sin and an eternity in Hell...

  3. @Anonymous #2: "It was not about the number who received the talking in tongues but that someone actually was saved"

    Yes! As the original blog post alludes, I feel sick in my stomach when I hear someone talk about the "10,000" who received the Holy Ghost in Ethiopia, due to: #1 the lack of authenticity in determining that number, and #2 the lack of follow-through in seeing those people established into a church home. How come the testimonies out of these revivals don't say "We've established 100 new churches that are averaging 100 believers gathering together each week." That would be a much stronger testimony to me than 10,000 receiving the Holy Ghost and then going back to their daily lives unchanged.

    What happened to teaching people to be followers of Christ first and foremost? You "shall" receive the gift of the Holy Ghost is the promise in Acts 2. Why do we feel the need to push "receive ye the Holy Ghost" before "I have decided to follow Jesus"? Christianity has been flipped on its head in the modern Pentecostal movement.

  4. Real Realism, to your final paragraph I agree whole-heartedly. I've often wondered why we decide that Acts 2:38 are the first three steps in salvation. Or rather, why do we feel those must happen within a few weeks of each other? Repent and be baptized, sure - those would probably happen within a short period of time. But why do we then put people in a position to feel that nothing else can be accomplished in their walk with God until they receive the Holy Ghost? Why can't it be repent, be baptized, then spend some time developing a prayer life, reading your bible, developing a relationship with God, and THEN you will receive the Holy Ghost. I'd like to see this as an acceptable path and time period as well. Sure, for some, they are getting all three steps on the same night...but not everyone is the same. It's okay for it to take time. There's nothing wrong with the person if they go a year between being baptized and receiving the Holy Ghost. But it falls to OUR fault if we make them feel like they MUST receive the Holy Ghost before anything else can happen.

  5. Thanks, @AS. Good perspective.

    To clarify on my first paragraph, when I say I'm sick to my stomach, that's not to say I wouldn't be thrilled if really, truly 10,000 souls received the gift of the Holy Ghost in one service. I think the visceral reaction stems from my deep seeded cynicism. I've seen too much faking it, too much rhetoric, too much pomp and circumstance with no substance to really believe that these stories that occur in a land "far, far away" with only 1 or (maybe if we're lucky, 2) witnesses returning to tell the story in the "great country of America, where we're so spoiled in our lap of luxury, it doesn't happen here".

    That's why I'd love to see some more easily verified statistics coming out of these foreign revivals. If we really were "adding to the church" - where is the church growth? Where are the new pastors? (I know that some of our foreign churches actually ARE experiencing this type of growth, and that is great. But those are the stories I can more easily rejoice in...not these ones that feel like they're merely hyperbole.)

  6. I always hear of "this person coming in a wheelchair and being healed" or even the more unbelievable, limbs growing back, or someone who was deaf can now hear.

    We live in a world of cameras EVERYWHERE - why are these not being constantly documented and shared? It makes me think they aren't happening. I hate to be skeptical, but I am. I'm not saying that God cannot heal, but it's more that I fear these are "I heard it through the grapevine" miracles...and they aren't actually happening. I cannot get excited over a visiting minister saying that someone told him of a miracle that a friend of their's witnessed. Is it so wrong of me to want to see a miracle of this magnitude take place in front of my own eyes? We have a lady in our church who, due to diabetes, has been blind for years. If she were healed, I'd pull out my phone and record it happening. Then, I would put it on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, show it to everyone at work the next day...