Wednesday, March 10, 2010

#128-The In-N-Out/Bi-Monthly Pray-througher

“Fast Apo’s Conscience Cleanse. Pull your soul in every 3,000 sins for a guilt-flush and conscience cleanse!”

This pretty much defines itself. We know exactly who I’m talking about. They treat the altar like a metaphysical oil change. Enter-pray through-socialize-and on to the club we go!

Once a month we see this peach of a person. The characteristics are generally the same. They’re usually a girl, somewhat-to-very good looking, in her late teens to mid-twenties, and very conflicted. She’d say she wants to live for God, but has so much in her life, blah blah blah. The “things” in her life pulling her away usually amount to the same things everyone has in theirs: full time job, school, boyfriend, etc.

This member of our congregational roster is usually the catalyst in the Breakout Service. The Shouting Song plays and said person is so overcome by guilt and raw emotion that they begin to respond. Soon after the Militant Altar Workers (future post) and Helping Hands bombard the person, which catches the attention of the rest of the congregation and I’ll be doggoned if a revival doesn’t break out! That is, if you define revival by a lot of screaming, a temporary alleviation of a guilty conscience followed by an inevitable return to the same debaucherous behavior within the week.

This person is met with much care and concern when inside the four walls but ceases to exist when gone. We rejoice with her when she prays through, yet treat her like she has SARS when she isn’t there, for fear that her sinful lifestyle is a contagious airborne virus. Her in-and-out pattern is as much our fault as it is hers, but I’ll stop preaching, as this is taking a bit of a serious turn.

May we treat our in-n-outers with a little gentler care and concern in the future! Adieu.


  1. Hmm, somehow this post has been left comment-less. Strange, because it's very, very true. The description in Paragraph #3 is dead-on. Now the question to really ponder is, Why aren't men In-N-Out/Bi-Monthly Pray-throughers? (Yes, I know, there are exceptions.)

    PS And I'd just like to say... In-N-Out Burger is SO good! :)

  2. There are occaisonally males, but they fit a slightly different criteria. Rather than showing up randomly and 'praying through' they will show up and come consistently for a short period of time, giving the impression that they're there to stay, but then leave again. I've been at my current church for four years and there are 3 guys I've seen run through the cycle 3 times a piece, with a lot of space between. I think the same forces are at work, but guys are less emotional and alleviate their guilt by coming to church for a while, whereas girls can empty their conscience with a good cry and a hefty amount of emotionalism.