Stuff Apostolics Like

Credit for post suggestion goes to Cristen Horn whose origins are unknown. There is no occasion I cherish more in life than that which is inexplicably bound by awkwardness. Just like a good rug can tie a room together, if awkwardness defines the occasion my eyes are fully open and I feel alive. The chaos and inescapably of a good wholesome awkward situation seems more lifelike than a formal ceremony or a birthday song for a toddler. Foot-washing, outside of it's biblical context, is one of those rousing occasions which breeds the awkwardness I always seek to drink deeply from. So naturally, if there is a foot-washing I catch wind of, I am there. Like the young adult who will travel to great lengths anytime their favorite evangelist is in state, or the 16 year old apostolic girl who secretly sneaks into the newest Twilight movie out in theaters for her "Edward fix," I get my awkward fix amidst buckets of hot water, scraggly towels, gender-segregated rooms and a whole...

I was in a meeting with my Pastor, and he pointed out that some of the posts on the site did not line up with the purpose of the blog: "to remember to laugh at ourselves." In other words, some posts weren't laughing. And I agree. Most of the criticism about this blog describes us bloggers at nothing more than bitter and cynical. I can completely understand where this mentality comes from, and I know that if I were on their side of the fence I would come to much of the same conclusions. But that is not who we are. So it was with these questions in mind, I sought to describe a kind of theology for this blog that shows we are not just against some things, but rather do stand for things as well. In other words, I set out to find a theology for what is going on here (especially in regards to the more serious posts).... The description is kind of lengthy, and I apologize. I also worry about its "accessibility" to the average reader. With that concern in mind, I am ver...

If your initial response to this blog title is : "What?" Then we're probably on the same page. But let me explain this interesting phenomenon. I remember walking in to a UPCI General Conference and hearing about Black Evangelism for the first time. I almost choked. Then I was indignant. And then I fell over laughing. It's like racism wrapped up in a package of shiny good intentions. But the unsaid assumption is - if you're Black, you're not like the rest of us - us being the White majority. Evidently Black people require different tactics of evangelism and forms of understanding and relating to Christianity than do say, Hispanics, Asians, Indians, Caucasians, Hawaiian & Pacific Islanders and any mixture of the above. Because evidently, even if you live in the same city with a Black person (which would be why you'd be sharing the Message with them right?), they probably won't understand you and thus need a whole separate division of evangelism...

So I haven't had a girlfriend for almost 4 years now. And there is one main reason: I can't stand for that awkward moment when walking in a mall and walking past a Victoria's Secret store with your girlfriend.  How do you act when giant 8 feet cut outs of models  in Victoria's Secret's window displays are seductively staring at you implying that you can have them via your girlfriend/wife looking like them when they buy the lingerie within? Do you put your head down and walk briskly on by as if those women mean nothing to you? Sure that's the right response, but it also implies a repressed lust you have that if you were to take a peak you couldn't contain yourself? Or do you take a quick peak as if to show you are not afraid of what is before you and then by not having a reaction outside of a possible laugh you show the temptation is for naught as you will not be swayed by such consumerist propoganda because all desired beauty is found in the one you are with...

Walk in to a Pentecostal church on Sunday morning and I guarantee you'll hear the following: "Praise the Lord, brother/sister!" To the already initiated and cultural native, the response is second nature. To the uninitiated, not so much. If you showed up late and are worried that you might have missed out on the greeting, don't worry because someone with a microphone will inevitably shout it out to the congregation. It's how we like to say hello. Now there are cultural differences, if you show up at an Apostolic Assembly even, they'll shout back 'amen.' This was very confusing for me because in UPCI circles we like to shout back 'praise the Lord!' In other words, "you do it first." Still, it's never quite as awkward for those of us raised among the Apo/Penny movement as when a visitor shows up. Although it is slightly embarrassing to have loudly responded 'praise the Lord,' when everyone else has said 'amen'. ...

Note: This is one of two posts today that I have written in order to make up for my total lack of contribution last week. This one is more serious. The one below this post is more light. The Altar confession is a mainstay during apostolic altar calls everywhere. It occurs through two different modes. The Altar Confession through Altar Invite. The first one is the most popular, but also can be the most awkward. In short, it occurs as the preacher is at the tale-end of his sermon and the entire congregation is standing in anticipation of either the altar call that is to come or the fact that the altar call represents the last step until the restaurant in hopes of eye contact with their crush. At the time of the altar-call, instead of just an open invite, the preacher nuances the issue by making the altar call dependent on a certain sin/negative behavioral attitude. So those who are initially invited are those who are guilty of said sin or attitude. This creates many a conundrum for the...

Note: I provided this picture in hopes that youth pastors everywhere will use this picture in youth services as proof that in some places "in the world" modesty standards are mandatory as well  as proof of the necessity of standards in our midst. For perhaps the fourth or fifth time, Stephany Mirelez has recommended this post. My sister recommended it to me months and months ago but because I could care less what ladies are wearing (except in extreme circumstances), I hadn't noticed the epidemic whatsoever and assumed that my little sister was just cleaning the skeletons out of her own closet in some kind of weird pseudo-therapy of confession through blog post recommendation. But alas I have noticed the trend of this post suggestion here and there, and Stephany's own suggestion of it cemented this post's place amongst the gauntlet of subpar blog posts about things that really are about nothing. So what do we mean  by "doing everything we can to wear cloth...

Alright, so the power at my house was taken away by the gods of wrath and discomfort two days ago in a storm. This would explain my absence in the comment section of the previous post about homeschooling.  And I am now using my friend's computer, of which I have only a few minutes to use it. There is a comment policy up which I assume many of you have seen. One of them says comments will be allowed as long as they are not "ad hominem" personal attacks. Thusly, argue about the content, not the identity of the one leaving the comment. To participate in ad hominem attacks does nothing but make ourselves feel better at the cost of angering and offending and verbally abusing those who we are arguing against. That said, doing a quick scan of the comment section of the previous blog I saw a few that either bordered on being ad hominem, or were deliberately ad hominem. This is not acceptable. I will do a more thorough read of the comments and delete as necessary when I get a ch...

When I was growing up I was shoved into the local public school system without a second thought. I was left to the wolves as they would shove evolution down my throat before I could even see above the counter at McDonald's. The system would also tell me where babies came from and mention the fluids involved before I knew how to say "three" properly (I always said "free"). If I was caught mentioning Christ or praying over my food, I would be invited to attend after school detention wherein I had to write on a notebook piece of paper over and over again "I will not use the alleged names of deities in the sky in common discussion amongst my friends, nor in prayer to myself." Okay, so I kind of exaggerated the above. Actually I exaggerated all of it. Public School was nothing stressful. The closest my Christianity clashed with public education was when my Mom didn't want me to read Wrinkle in Time because it contained witches as characters and talked ...

The altar showdown is a phenomena within Pentecostal churches mostly observed in one's formative teenage years. The altar showdown is simply this: A competition between two or more individuals at the altar to which the winner of the competition is he/she who prayed the longest and/or who prayed the hardest. Thus the participants of this altar showdown are judged by two different categories: Length and Effort. And this altar showdown dominates the reason teenagers are seen praying at the altar for a time period longer than ten minutes. The goal of this competition is simple: Garner enough attention from the church superiors in your persistence to pray with exuberance and length to try to assert yourself as a candidate to be a future youth pastor/minister's wife. It is not that God is not being felt. Because He is. And it is not the case that every time a teenager prays long that it is for the purpose of the Showdown, but the fact is it is not that the forces of the altar showdow...

Okay, this one is really short (and thus I will aim at two entries in two days)... For the past several weeks a friend and I have been trying to plan a bachelor party for an apostolic friend, before he plunges into that abyss of matrimony and getting mad at umpires at t-ball games. And I will tell you this....Of all of the things I have done, and all the things I have seen, planning an apostolic bachelor party is one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. It would have been easier for the UPC to disallow any attempt at planning apostolic bachelor parties, and thus I would have been freed from my labors and I would have found just one more thing to rant against in the UPC manual for my own self-approval. What Apostolic bachelor parties come down to is this: Combine what you do after a Sunday Night church service (go out to eat) with what you do for a youth group activity (bowling alley, putt-putt golf, play mafia). And there you have it folks: An Apostolic...

The above painting by Ford Madox Brown of Jesus Washing Peter's Feet is one of those rare paintings that brings anguish and grief when you look at it long enough. I don't know about you, but I find myself immediately taking the position of Peter in this picture, and all I can do is cringe. Can you imagine the embarrassment of having He, the Son of Man, washing your feet? The image is absolutely absurd. It makes no sense. It defies logic. He is the King, I am the servant. And yet, Matthew 20:28 tells us the King did not come to be served, but rather He came to serve. And thus I cringe. So what does this have to do with the KJV? Everything. The most common answer of why we don't allow the reading of other translations in church is that "we don't want to offend" the older generation since they have grown up with that translation. Ah, yes. The "I don't have a problem with you doing ___________, but i just know that it will offend the older crowd" car...

Note: This post is one of my longest to date. I apologize. Know that below is a history of the biblical translation process up to the KJV. I do think it is important that we have a historical context of how we got our Bible, and so I encourage a reading of what is presented here, and further research on your own. We must realize the Bible did not fall out of the sky at any point in history. There is a context with everything, and so it is with the KJV Bible. If you do not have the patience to read the entire post, just be sure to read the two paragraphs in bold towards the end of this post. Earlier this week I briefly got into my hypothesis that the Apostolic infatuation with the KJV is not necessarily an affinity of the King James Version itself, but rather the Apostolic crush on the KJV is more wrought out of a desire for certainty in having a specific translation represent the Word of God, and thus concern over the use of this word or that word in the Bible can be thrown out the wi...