Friday, July 9, 2010
#169-Not Bachelor Parties
For the past several weeks a friend and I have been trying to plan a bachelor party for an apostolic friend, before he plunges into that abyss of matrimony and getting mad at umpires at t-ball games.
And I will tell you this....Of all of the things I have done, and all the things I have seen, planning an apostolic bachelor party is one of the most frustrating experiences of my life.
It would have been easier for the UPC to disallow any attempt at planning apostolic bachelor parties, and thus I would have been freed from my labors and I would have found just one more thing to rant against in the UPC manual for my own self-approval.
What Apostolic bachelor parties come down to is this: Combine what you do after a Sunday Night church service (go out to eat) with what you do for a youth group activity (bowling alley, putt-putt golf, play mafia). And there you have it folks: An Apostolic Bachelor Party.
No Wonder, apostolics get married so early in life...They are continually haunted by the reality that weekends when not married are filled with acoustic guitars, tears in prayer because you feel bad about going to the movie theater, glow-in the dark bowling alleys, and declarations that "it's not about rules, it's about relationships."
As I even wrote that last line, I am tempted to run up to the court and offer a painting and 7 dollars for anyone who wants to marry me and thusly be willing to sit in a pew three times a week, consider themselves heaven-bound for the rest of their life, secretly complain about things and people we don't like about the church but never be proactive about changing anything and thus secretly get more and more bitter, and also find a great excuse to watch Glen Beck on a TV that is two inches bigger than the neighbors' television.
And then as I wrote that last line, I realized why I haven't gotten married.
Bottom Line: The point of bachelor parties is to celebrate a man's last day of independence and thusly are supposed to partake in behaviors and "dirty no no's" that will not be permissible past the wedding day.
There is not one thing an apostolic cannot do after he is married that he could do before, and thus the value of a bachelor party zero. There is no independent vice to celebrate before the wedding, because what is forbidden after marriage was forbidden pre-wedding as well amidst apostolics. (Source AH).
Thusly, I must conclude that Apostolic Bachelor Parties are the physical manifestation of purgatory on earth.