Friday, July 9, 2010

#169-Not Bachelor Parties

Okay, this one is really short (and thus I will aim at two entries in two days)...

For the past several weeks a friend and I have been trying to plan a bachelor party for an apostolic friend, before he plunges into that abyss of matrimony and getting mad at umpires at t-ball games.

And I will tell you this....Of all of the things I have done, and all the things I have seen, planning an apostolic bachelor party is one of the most frustrating experiences of my life.

It would have been easier for the UPC to disallow any attempt at planning apostolic bachelor parties, and thus I would have been freed from my labors and I would have found just one more thing to rant against in the UPC manual for my own self-approval.

What Apostolic bachelor parties come down to is this: Combine what you do after a Sunday Night church service (go out to eat) with what you do for a youth group activity (bowling alley, putt-putt golf, play mafia). And there you have it folks: An Apostolic Bachelor Party.

No Wonder, apostolics get married so early in life...They are continually haunted by the reality that weekends when not married are filled with acoustic guitars, tears in prayer because you feel bad about going to the movie theater, glow-in the dark bowling alleys, and declarations that "it's not about rules, it's about relationships."

As I even wrote that last line, I am tempted to run up to the court and offer a painting and 7 dollars for anyone who wants to marry me and thusly be willing to sit in a pew three times a week, consider themselves heaven-bound for the rest of their life, secretly complain about things and people we don't like about the church but never be proactive about changing anything and thus secretly get more and more bitter, and also find a great excuse to watch Glen Beck on a TV that is two inches bigger than the neighbors' television.

And then as I wrote that last line, I realized why I haven't gotten married.

Bottom Line: The point of bachelor parties is to celebrate a man's last day of independence and thusly are supposed to partake in behaviors and "dirty no no's" that will not be permissible past the wedding day.

There is not one thing an apostolic cannot do after he is married that he could do before, and thus the value of a bachelor party zero. There is no independent vice to celebrate before the wedding, because what is forbidden after marriage was forbidden pre-wedding as well amidst apostolics. (Source AH).

Thusly, I must conclude that Apostolic Bachelor Parties are the physical manifestation of purgatory on earth.


  1. I laughed and cried during this post. Sm(apostolic)h.

  2. Wate a minute, if some one is viewing Glen Beck that meas they have a TV.

  3. but... but... can't you guys just have a "farewell" that's wild and memorable while redefining your good-bye to independence? like, maybe for an apostolic guy post-marital independence doesn't mean casual physical relationships, maybe it means being able to go on random road trips with his friends whenever? cause you probably can't do that when you're married. i don't know, if i was a guy, i'd probably get creative with the apostolic bachelor party and go sky-diving in colorado or bunjee jumping at the source of the Nile or something.

  4. Ishta, great point. My friend I who were in charge with planning the party initially planned for a camping trip. However most of us are poor so it became economically infeasible. And thus we were left with the limited options back in our area.

    Sad I know.

  5. or you just suck at party planning and your best friends girlfriend tries to help but gets shot down do to lack of organizational skills and laziness from all the other males involved....just saying....

  6. Miss Elyse, just so you know the party turned out to be a great success, and we greatly appreciated the effort put forth by Mr. Riley and the said best friend.

  7. Elyse,

    I just asked said best friend about the situation you referenced about being shot down for laziness. I just want you to know that I had no part in such "shooting." I would actually have welcomed it. You would have been a sterling worker in projecting a good schedule for said parties no doubt.

    And yes the party went smashingly.

    Excuse me now while I go and karate chop your boyfriend several times over for his behavior towards you. I apologize. I have raised him better than that.

    Yours in Christ,


  8. A fried of mine (not AP but conservative Christin)set up a bachelor party where they went to a filed at night and gave the groom a pant ball gun so that he could shoot his friends if he could see them. However, they neglected to tell the groom that the friends had cattle prods.

    Clean but a little painful.