Thursday, August 11, 2011

#240- Finding Boyfriends at Big Church Events

Alternative Title: Kind Suggestions for the female gender on securing that future husband at the ballroom melodramas of our organization (from the perspective of a male).

#1-  No Circus Hats

In spite of precedent this year, and by precedent I mean, Royal Weddings, there are no circumstances in here or in heaven that large and absurd hats would be permissible to wear. Especially when one is trying to keep a boyfriend or look for a boyfriend. Wearing absurd hats, much like absurd head pieces is a simple sign for us men that says "Future Cat Lady." There is a reason the USA revolted against the British almost 250 years ago. And I suspect funny hats are one of those reasons. Don't nullify our revolution ladies. Trust me, you will get our attention  if you wear weird hats to church, but the strare you will receive from us will have nothing to do with a desire to talk to you. Rather we stare at you to burn you at the sake.

#2- Don't obsess over what you wear. We won't notice your clothes.

 So ladies don't obsess over it, if a guy compliments your attire. If this man does compliment your clothes, he is not someone you want to date. Trust me. He is probably gay. Or at least slightly gay. He would make a great friend to have though.

#3-Pray. Just don't do so too loudly.

#4- Be Victorian.
While us Apostolic men aren't romantic knights ready to sweep you off your feet, we still will appreciate you living as if you were from a a period where being reserved and "ladylike" is culturally acceptable. Of course we won't reciprocate the gesture and thus won't end up like the heroes of the Jane Austin novels, nonetheless, we want you to stay back in that past. We highly encourage you to read Little Women. We highly encourage you to watch the Anne of Green Gables series. Transform your lifestyle as outlined in said book aka: Stay quiet and only speak when spoken too (certainly don't talk politics). Just keep your expectations low for the rest of us. Laugh at our jokes. Blush when we make eye contact. Show no ambition.  This is what it is to be a preacher's wife:

"I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10 but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

 11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15 But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety."  - I Timothy 2:9-15

#5- Wear Make-up. Just don't call it Make up.

Don't make the devil's paint noticeable. Just put enough make-up on so that we won't notice that you are a walking contradiction. If we have to notice your make up, you are an embarrassment. If you don't put on make up, we may get put off by the zits. This is a very thin tight rope to cross, and we appreciate the balancing act.

#6-Be Holy

If you catch us checking out girls in tight clothes  or short skirts, don't be offended. We are only judging those Jezebels. It's nothing against you. Holiness is more beautiful no matter if our eyes tell you otherwise.

#7- Be in Attack Mode

It's the 21st century. Us men hate making the move. Save us the perspiration and ask for our number. Some men probably will get put off by this, but this just proves that said man is sexist.

#8-Ruin the Competition

"Accidentally" pour water on the head of a competing female a little higher in the hierarchy or stick a live blow drier against the hairdo of any girl who may get more attention than you. While said girl may still end up getting more attention than you, their own insecurity will hinder their desire to be in the spotlight or be "available" for pursuit. Remember, "survival of the fittest."

#9- Do Wikipedia research on Books of the Bible
Of course you don't have to read the Bible outside of the simplicity of Psalms or Proverbs, but acting like you read the bible is worth mega-points.

#10-Don't confess your a Bible College Student.
IF you do, we will assume the worst. And if you go to secular college, make fun of Bible College students.

Bonus: Ladies, if you are not part of the Apostolic Ruling class, and thus not "elite" do not be deterred by your lack of fame. The pastor's daughters, the IBC Praise Girls, and the rest of the "in" crowd are plastic. Ruminate this truth. Take aim on them. Steal their men with ruthless cruelty. Break hearts. You are the daughters of God.


  1. I am totally confused by this post. The first four points seem sincere, the last six totally sarcastic??? What points are you trying to make? It's definitely mixed.

  2. I'm glad someone else thought that too, it's exactly how I felt about it.

  3. I have but one quarrel with this post. I grew up on Louisa May Alcott, Jane Austen, and L.M. Montgomery. Austen's and Montgomery's characters live. I go to church and school with them. Both A. and M. understood the human psyche. I am none the worse for wear, reading of the love affairs inclued in the plots. Disney movies do more damage to the female view of love than these authoresses. The heroines of these novels were not the simpering, gossipy creatures we suffer at rallies, conferences, and congresses.

  4. You have to realize that Joel's postings stem from roots of hurt and Bitterness in his heart. Therfore he is able to trash, bash, ridicule, make fun, and rebel without any conviction.

  5. Au contraire, John, I thoroughly enjoy this particular blog. It voices my thoughts on the past nineteen years I've spent as a member of the UPC. I'm certainly glad someone finally had the courage to publicize what so many of us have felt for years.

  6. Thank you so much. I posted these rules on my door, and read them every day for a week. I met my husband at the very next church event I went to. My life has been forever changed.