#190-Not Emergents -Part 1-A Survey

Editor's Note: A few weeks ago I mentioned that some of the topics that would be discussed would be Apostolic Identity, Youth Congress 2009, etc....

Well after that announcement, I was immediately intruded upon by an e-mail from someone naming himself only as "Zorro." And then in a following e-mail as "Lloyd the Fighting Loyalist." He demanded that my blog, in the name of being fair and balanced (which I have never claimed), to allow him the honor of doing a few posts representing the "silent majority" as the "voice of their cause for righteousness." I demanded an article that he would be willing to post as to show that his writing would be anything above subpar. He said he had dozens of such articles, but he was particularly fond of this one. He also asked that I post his picture which he sent (the portrait above). After careful inspection, the picture ends up being a portrait of the philosopher, Hegel with a Groucho Marx nose/mustache mask. Without further adieu (the article is two parts), 

A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Emergents Amongst Apostolics but While utilizing the Emergents in Such a Way that they Are Beneficial to Our Movement.

Gentlemen and Leaders of the Apostolic Movement in these times of Urgency,

I call on you in this hour to fight for your beliefs. Fight with everything you have got, for the sake of your wives and your children, your mothers and your parents. Your arms are defending everything we have ever held dear, and all the generations that will come after us. Be proud and courageous! Be inventive and cunning! 

What are we fighting against you may ask? The Devil? CNN? Osama Bin Laden? Why if you have not a clue to what I am speaking of, it demonstrates the danger you are in for they/it is already blurring your perception, and destroying your spiritual discernment to not even notice the great state of emergency our movement is in. For our enemy is either of the devil, or is on nearly equal grounds. The enemy is the emergents. 

At this very moment my spirit is awakened to know some of them are kicking down the door to an unsuspecting Apostolic Family at dinner...and....Oh God help....Help Them! STOP IT YOU ferrets! CEASE AT ONCE!.....oh no....it's too late...the damage is done. I can discern in my spirit (thank goodness I was not actually there) that the emergents marched into the house of the unsuspecting family and one by one forced each member of the family to read one chapter of the bible from the Message! 

But comrades, it is not too late. We can stop this menace. While I do not know one emergent personally nor have met anyone who has talked to a confessed Emergent in our movement, this is just a testament to how good the emergents are at blending in and keeping their methods underground. Because we know they exist. And they exist all around us. If you hear the words, "journey," "authentic," "walk," "relationship," "cross," "faith," "Romans," "Galatians," "community," in a church or conversational setting, know there is an emergent very near by hiding underneath a rock, laughing and waiting to blow our whole movement up to pieces.

I suspect that while the writer of this here blog conveniently named Sal continually denies that He is a emergent, he does so knowing if he were to come out of the emergent closet which he hides in, he would be publicly shamed and possibly even, yes, he would be forced to walk a plank of some sorts that we would make for him! And at the bottom of the plank he would walk off of would be a thousand Jehovah Witnesses waiting to convert him to their beliefs.

Now for the matter at hand, I have turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and how we may outlaw the emergents from our ranks in an efficient, precise, but politically permissible fashion. I have seen several schemes in recent months trying to do the same. And while I find the intentions pure, they are all horribly ineffective. Most of the failed projections revolve around a failure to calculate the Emergent spirit accurately. It is here I aim to survey these attempts and discuss their miscalculations, all done in an attempt to propose my own hypothesis of how we can rid them from our midst. As someone once said, "Getting rid of lice is not a question of ideology, it is a matter of cleanliness."

Method A

Firstly, as one of the suspected emergents ("Slapastolic" on Twitter), has pointed out, there is a rising trend to have a question and answer session at youth events and conferences. The idea, as I understand is that the emergent menace is seeping into our walls because it offers only questions and never claims "absolute truth." This menace is appealing to our youth because we as Apostolics have positioned ourselves as bearers of "The Full Truth." This is a lofty position to hold, but it is not impossible to accomplish such a claim. The mountains are steep, but that does not mean the peak in the heavens cannot be reached by the children of God we are vis-a-vis Acts 2:38 and tongues and the like. However, by claiming "the full truth" those rebellious children think we owe them answers. Well I would have it known to the whole world that the truth of God is not meant to be eaten by irresponsible swine. The kids are demanding the meat when they should be satisfied with the milk of God and not beg for anymore. Meat increases the risks of heart attacks if not handled properly and in modest proportions. Do we want our kids to have heart attacks by feeding them the meat of truth? NO! So they must learn to be satisfied with the Milk (David & Goliath, Lions, burning furnaces, Boat in a flood, etc...)....

Why dear citizens, having the Full Truth is by no means a pleasure and joy to possess. Rather truth is burdensome and if I could I would unload this burden immediately because it is too heavy for me to grasp. But the Lord is good and he knows what we can and can't handle, and it seems he Has chosen us Apostolics to handle the heaviest weights of conviction: This is the full truth.

Anyways, I am ranting now. Back to the point at hand: These question and answer sessions. They seem to be executed in a manner to show the kids that we have answers. But of course the kids don't actually want answers. They want excuses to jump off bridges and sell crack. And if we don't satisfy their questions (we never will), they will use such dissatisfaction to become our church's emergent bullies. So I have seen the position taken that in the Q & A forums, the moderator decides what questions are asked and then does not allow a rebuttal from the crowd, so it only appears that we are answering the questions, which are pertinent to this time. But the reality is we answer nothing. Because we are too loving to give the children the burden of the full truth. Cue Jack...

With that in mind, we cannot afford to fight our battles with the emergent menace in Q and A sessions. We will lose every time. should we give them the truth, they will devour it without reverence. Further they will say the truth is not enough and find loop holes in scripture which we should never acknowledge when pointed out to us (they are children, remember?!?).

Method B

This one is directed more towards possible emergent licensed ministers.The idea goes that if we make the emergent ministers sign a statement annually affirming their beliefs as our beliefs (holiness, salvation, et...), this will ensure that those who do not believe as we will not sign the affirmation and then will forfeit their right as a minister. While it's very commendable, it's assumptions are flat out wrong. I know of no other way to address it. The emergents are slimy. They are devious. They are liars. And because of this making them sign a document saying their beliefs are as ours when the reality is they are not, is of no consequence to them. They have sold their integrity long ago. We must not assume such honesty lies within their black souls.

Is it no wonder that even plenty of righteous ministers across the country sign the affirmation yearly and agree not to own a television, but know very well they own such a device in their own home. They openly and knowingly violate the condition to be a UPC minister and do not have qualms about it. And these are GOOD MEN. PRAYING MEN. MEN WHO SEEK GOD. If they hesitate not, then do we really think the emergents are going to be any more honest than they in the signing of the document? Of course not. Thus the signing of a document will be of no use here.

Tomorrow we will go more into the dark underworld of the emergent movement and face their critiques of us, which I will bluntly rebuke and show how wrong they are. And then I will propose my modest solution as to rid the emergents once and for all from our movement.

Thanks be to God and God Alone,

Lloyd, the Loyalist.
Department of Scorn & Removal

Editor's note: Part 2 will conclude either tomorrow or Friday (depending on if I can find a computer to post from tomorrow). Also It's SAL's 1 year birthday today. Never thought we would make it this far, but here we are. Thanks for sticking with us.