Wednesday, September 22, 2010

#192-The camera that will take pictures of your fantastic evening hanging out with other Apostolics and later be posted on Facebook (Imaginary Monologue)

Editor's Note: I can't stand the idea of expectations.  Because I am average. We don't exceed expectations. We shoot for mediocrity and kick ourselves if someone applauds us in the process.  (But seriously, thanks for all the compliments, they really did encourage me and if you e-mailed me I am sorry i have not gotten back with you....will do soon). So here is an average post.

This post here, the Imaginary Monologue will be a new on again, off against spin on a post where I present an imaginary monologue from the perspective of a person or item that is liked by Apostolics or integral to Apostolic culture (in other words, it's a fictional telling of what it's like to be "so and so in your church" or in this case what it's like to be a "camera").

Imaginary Monologue from a Nikon: Coolpix S8000 14.2-Megapixel Digital Camera (Pictured) from last Friday's post-youth service dinner/hang out at the Collins Home.

The event is not going as planned. Spirits are low. I am sitting in the dark, saggy,"Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin" (YUCK!)odored abyss that is from the outside, Rachel's hideously glitter gold, pleather purse. The hosts really went all out in this function: They bought those cardboard tasting Little Caesar's Hot and Ready pizzas for only the eighth straight time. Penny pinching cheapskates. If only there was another home that would allow us to bombard them at 11:37 AM with loud voices!

The gossip this week is minimal. Skip Harden did indeed finally break off things with Suzy Jorgenson. She was dating way out of her league anyways. She had to have seen it coming. What did Skip ever see in her anyways? She doesn't even sing! So she prays a little longer at the altar than everyone else, but we all know that's all a show.  I heard Skip is already moved on to Mary Lumpkin. I KNOW! "They would have such cute babies." 

But we can only talk about this for so long. That last conversation was like the third time it was brought up. Yes, that Johnson kid smells bad like usual. I tell ya, it's all the Mountain Dew he drinks. Poor Kid. All he has is his XBOX 360. Who invited him anyways? Kelly?Listen, I admire the charity Kelly, but he in his weirdness completely worsens just how pathetic this party is. I mean, we're Apostolic. Our options are limited of what can define fun. Caffeine is the closest we can get to ingesting mind altering substances. 

Someone tell Danny to stop texting his Ex! He's not going to get over her this way. She is just using him as a fall back when things aren't going well with Marty Belling, although he does have really exotic eyes.

You want to get this party going or what? It's not too late. No, it's never too late when I'm always sitting here in Rachel's purse waiting for her hand to present me to the world like Rafiki presented baby Simba in Lion King. Get ready for it, because we are going to rock some apostolic socks off once I make an appearance. And don't hurry yourselves, because I got all night long. The frat parties will weep in jealousy. Who needs kegs of beer when you have sleek, black, lightweight, 14.2 megapixel me to play with. Did you hear me? 14.2 megapixels! Your eye can't even comprehend that many pixels. It's so many pixels i don't even know what that means!

Ah yes, thanks Rachel. The fresh air is nice. Everyone take those frowns and flip them upside down because I have arrived! And any party pooper is going to have to leave now. I mean business. And by business I mean a casual friday kind of business where frolicking is encouraged, though not mandatory. You can skip too. Because, I am fun! A happy cheery time. 

Look at my extending lens! Yes, the pictures tonight will be fabulous. You want a picture where you are all moving around, maybe jumping in unison, or playing kick the can or something? Because I can do that. Because I am top of the line stuff. Because I have this sweet motion feature that captures athletic motions with precision and without blurriness. I am the future! 

No... Sorry to disappoint you. These pictures I produce will not look professional or "wedding-like." If you want to have that kind of camera, you have to go find that stuck-up, short skirt wearing, self-entitled Canon E0S 7D 18 megapixel SLR. Oh yeah, did i mention she is $1,700? Yea, think twice before asking next time.

But enough about her. I can't even believe I just wasted my breath on her. Back to me. The one who makes a carnival out of this house. I'm not fake like that certain unnameable camera. I'm middle class. I'm real. I was a birthday present for goodness sake. I'm the best bang for your buck with a 1 year warranty at Best Buy. Though I assure you, we won't be needing that warranty. Because I break after 15 months of use...err...I have a motorized lens. That sucker extends itself on Zoom-ins! Never thought you'd see that day did ya? Got red eye in a picture? Old News sister, I can eliminate those without the help of photo shop. And I will tell you when someone has blinked in the shot! I'm talking to you Larry Colson. Yeah, you buddy. I know where you live. We were there 3 weeks ago.

All eyes point to me when I'm in the room, but not like "Oh no, Becky, look at how desperate she looks. She has nothing left to hide" kind of attention, but like Greek goddess gracing you with her presence kind of attention. So diva. I maintain an aura of decency about me. I am the Grace Kelly of cameras. Second place: Laura Bush (don't ask).

Okay, Rachel. Let's get the show cookin...

First, the new guy who no one can decide if he's cute or not. New Guy and Rachel. No, don't ask someone to take the picture Rachel. Myspace angle, just extend arm above your head at a 45 degree angle. Like that. Yes...

BAM! (well it's more of a clicking sound when I take a picture. Not my choice_.

Yes now stare at my screen for 4 seconds. Worship the clarity I provide. Rachel, you see how ugly that smile is? What is that? You look like you're about to swear or something. Apostolics don't swear. But I love the new guy's no-nonsense stare of mystery into the me. I even thought his stare was meant for me for a second, before I remembered I was a camera. What's his name Rachel? Bobby. I like Bobby. Rachel get his number. Before Lindsay Merkle gets wind of him at the next youth rally and goes in for the kill. I can't stand her either. Always going for the good ones. Her Calves are H-U-G-E, HUUUUUUGE! Casually find a  way to tell Bobby about her calves. LOL, and retake the picture you just took of you and Bobby.

I know you got this in you Rache. Stare seductively in the camera. BAM! (click). We got a potential profile pic here. People will talk about this picture! They will say "Who is that guy she is with? Are they dating? Should have chased her while I had the chance." I, your camera, manufacturer of the insta-party, am making a digital Pentecostal celebrity out of you Rachel.

This picture is perfect. And Fun!. Because that is what I provide to parties. Perfection in class, fun without apology. No time for lamentation here. We have the night ahead of us. We are doing really important stuff here. Snapping pictures. Serious Faces. Sexy faces. Funny faces. What's that Kerry? Oh that is funny. Chelsea does look like a giant raisin in that purple dress. Hahaha. I would say she looks more like Grimace from McDonald's myself, but I don't talk. Chelsea should have known better. She already sticks out enough as it is, in her awkward body shape, but this draws only draws more attention. Poor girl, she'lll be the one who is always helping at the church when she is 46, always the first one asked to babysit the kids. 

But she is a great benefit to this celebration of me tonight. She is the ugly friend that makes average girls pretty in pictures. Rachel, take a picture with her. Of course she is going to untag herself when it's on facebook tomorrow. But it's what she gets for having one of those deceiving profile pics that only show a quarter to half of her face. She is quite funny though. What? Too harsh? I am a camera mind you, what do you expect? I see everything. Judge those things accordingly. Fun!

You know what the party needs? Justin Bieber. Yes, put on some Bieber. It's Bieber time everyone. Oh guys quit acting like you hate this stuff. Brad, I just saw you tapping your knee to the beat. Don't think I missed it. Nothing gets by me. I'm a bucket of fun! And ladies, you're crush for him is completely acceptable. It's not weird. He has a driver's license! 

More pictures. More Me! More Oomph! Even a group picture. This is how life should be. Spending your Friday night taking pictures. Us pictures! 48 pictures! Pictures that tell the world that we are a culture of fun and innocence. All so you can upload the pictures on facebook enshrined for the world to look at. Marvel from envy that they weren't invited here. Because this is fun. Exceptional. 

History is being made. Because of Me. We are apostolic!

Justin, stop acting like you don't care and that you are somehow above all of this. Why, you are more like all of this before any single one of us. I know you're secret Justin! That suit that everyone compliments you on...It's from Target. Oh and I will broadcast it if I have to. Just smile for me, the camera. All-knowing, perfect camera. 

Bam! (click).

Rachel, retake that picture of you, Michelle and Keri, will ya? Michelle's double chin is showing. She does not  have a double chin. No, Michelle you are beautiful. You have not gained weight.

This is divine. We have God.

Oh no, Brad and Justtin are talking about the bible. A question about modesty and vanity. Oh no. This is not Good. And I Peter 2? Someone put a muzzle on them. This will be the death of me. I mean the death of fun. It's so cruel. Boys, shut up! There are more important things here than to talk about than God. Come on! Ewww.....

Michelle, you are joining? Yeah, I was lying. You aren't that pretty. You easily slipped on 10 in the past two months. 

Rachel, strike them with your hand or something. Take that mostly empty pitcher of tea and use it as a projectile for Brad's head. Offer them a game of Mafia or something. You can take the pictures while games are played. Indoor kickball! It's kind of retro. People dig retro these days. 

Why are you going to your purse? Your cell phone is in your pocket, remember? Only have like 21 pictures, hardly worth convincing facebook friends that they need to click. 

Fine, put me away. I will be back. And I will have friends. Yea, me and that bottle of Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin lotion from Bath and Bodyworks are not as big of enemies as ye suppose. Yes, I know she was the one who caused my boyfriend, Eye-Lash thinner to break up with me. But times are changing I tell you. We are the future. Cameras. Facebook Photo Albums. 

or not....


  1. Rachel (not the one in the story though! Promise)September 22, 2010 at 4:14 PM


  2. ... I would say she looks more like Grimace from McDonald's myself...HAHAHAH That was awesome.

    Oh and no Party needs "Justin Bieber"