Tuesday, September 7, 2010

#190-Not Emergents-Part 3-The Deportation and Resettling of our Ejected Friends

Dear reader (saint or heathen), John Paul (hero),

Lloyd the loyalist here with the third and final installment of the "not emergent" series.
We last left off on the modest proposal (see previous two posts for an understanding) with various occurrences to identify the emergents among us. They are not good people.

Once identified they are to be collected (possibly with bear traps.).
Now we take off, with the emergents in the back of vans.
They will be transported.
This will happen.
In the middle of the night.
While the world is asleep, we will be saving the world.
We will take them to the Yukon Territory in Northern Canada where there is nothing but tundra and a few white bears and some seals.

What I describe next, I must admit, is not my own genius that thought up such a function: Rather I saw on the History Channel...err...I mean, read on Wikipedia. It was about Japanese Internment camps during World War II wherein our Great and Sacred Country afforded the Japanese-American citizens of it's land a free vacation at these camps in beautiful and luxurious Utah. The reason for these internment camps was two-fold: Protect the Japanese from potential attacks by ignorant neighbors confused about the Japanese attacks during World War II. Also, the interment camps would naturally prevent potential acts of treason within the US from Japanese-American spies/traitors. The internment camps were for their best interest.

In the same vain, we take the Emergents to the Yukon. They will be deposited one by one in an asylum of sorts that we have constructed from unused funds given to Sheaves for Christ (we may have to eliminate sadly the funding of a position of a missionary or two).

Of course the name "asylum" is taboo. We will have to construct a a better name for appearances sake. I suggest one of the following with the possibility of slight variations...

  • House of Virtuous Women
  • Kirk Cameron Foundation Institute
  • The Shelter of Recovering Souls

In the asylum, the rest of the emergent heresy will be hundreds and thousands of miles away. We will then be free to preach what we have always wanted to but feared our reputation: The gospels.

In the asylum, the emergents will be left to their own demise, whatever that may be. Anarchy will grab hold. We will not stop it. They will probably turn the asylum into a burlesque house. Maybe a house of all-embracing ecumenical acceptance. There will probably be astrology ministers. And Hillary Clinton will be invited to do guest sermons. Abortions will happen. No doubt. Evolution will be taught in the classrooms in the asylum. Harry Potter will be considered an apostle. The communist manifesto will be considered canon. They will baptize (which will be optional), they will do so in the name of 3 gods. It will all be explicit. It will be ruthless. I can see it now.

There will be blood. Human sacrifices. The emergent shaman leaders will be soaked in the blood of their sacrifices. They will choose to wear sack-clothes only. Even though we will provide them full garments (an act of charity). They will do rain dances. Tribal wars are probable.

They have no boundaries. They loathe such a concept. Morality is optional. The only boundary they will have is the ones we have gifted them with: the walls of the asylum itself. Polygamy will be in fashion up there. Child labor too. Child Labor! They will defecate on the pillows they sleep on. Spousal abuse will be frowned upon by not illegal. THEY WILL CLUB BABY SEALS. They will mock speaking in tongues and dancing in the spirit. They will say this looks right.

Do you see this?

Now if you remember the title to this proposed treatise, "A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Emergents Amongst Apostolics but While utilizing the Emergents in Such a Way that they Are Beneficial to Our Movement."

You will notice I believe we can make this a benefit to us. The removal of the emergents will be an obvious of a benefit enough. But I think we can use their anarchy of a religion even more to our benefit. So much so that sin will be an after thought in our movement. A faint ghost of the past ("remember a thing called sin?"). Here's How:

1) Have cameras set up in the asylum, let them record the chaos. When our apostolic youth come to the age of adulthood, 18, we will show each one of them, on their birthday, the videos which recorded the defiling ways of the emergents within the asylum. Let them see the carnage. We will tell these 18 year olds that if they reject absolute truth and accept relativism, and postmodernism, this is what they will become. The videos are showing the slippery slope without restraint. The youth will weep. They will never think once about roaming away from this faith ever again. This is good.

2) Of course, within the asylum it is inevitable that a few emergents will see the horror of their ways. They will see the debauchery that is a result of their theological position, and want to exit at once. They will ask to be removed from the asylum. We will adhere to their request. And then (here's the beauty), they will volunteer to function as as living witnesses against the whiles of their pagan emergent past. They will tell the apostolic children and youth pastors that if anyone is considering the emergent path, they must do an about face. They will tell stories and scream loudly. Their eyes will bulge out of their head. This is scary. AHHHH!

It will be like that show in the late 80's and 90's called "Scared Straight" wherein troubled youths visit a prison and a convict who is usually a big black man with tattoos will scare them about the horrors of jail and how their lifestyle will lead to such horrific ends.


And they ran. And they cried too.

The apostolic troubled youth will do the same.

This will be beneficial to us.

In closing, I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as the highest importance. I myself have been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts at how to resolve the emergent problem. I fortunately, on a random March evening fell upon this proposal in my own brain, which was wholly unconventional, but also solid and real. Of little expense and trouble to ourselves.

Now let it be said that I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer so resolve the dilemma of our age, but I must add that if any proposal is to be considered next to the modest proposal set fourth in the past 3 posts, let it be found equally innocent, cheap, easy and effectual.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.


    Oh wait... you deleted your post...

    But Rachel, I want to know that I came to support you. In what you said. Together we can take down those emergents. Do not lose faith.

  3. 2 Corinthians 6:17; Wherefore come out from among them (emerge), and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.

  4. What is interesting is that we often here the word "postmodernism" used to describe the Emerging and Emergent Church. However in looking at the term "postmodernism" it is a tendency in contemporary culture characterized by the rejection of objective truth and global cultural narrative. It emphasizes the role of language, power relations, and motivations.

    What I find interesting is that the thinking of many conservative churches and pastors (by the "postmodern" definition) have departed from traditional Christianity with the rejection of "objective truth" in favor of opinions and a preaching narrative using stories and emotionalism to drive a crowd. Often whether or not something is Biblical is rejected in place of the self-imposed standards of men and the traditions of men. Postmodern teaching that strays from the sound Biblical doctrine is accepted such as Holy Magic Hair and the only way to be blessed is through your pastor.

    Just thinking out loud.

  5. "It emphasizes the role of language, power relations, and motivations."

    Thank you Aaron, that brought a wistful tear to my eye. Good stuff. I find it amusing when people who've never read any postmodern literature try to lecture me on its faults (Which I'll be the first to say there are many.)

    Also for those who care, postmodernism in nearly all of its formats will generally find itself opposed to the "emergents"...whatever they are or it is or--who cares.

  6. I believe these types have already infiltrated the top levels of the UPC. Lord knows what would happen if we had an authentic relationship that allowed our journey of faith to see the true meaning of the cross so that our walk with God would allows to worship like the Romans and have faith as Paul describes in Galatians

  7. Bottom line Christ will have a Church! Not a wishy washy church but a true Apostolic, Holy Ghost Filled, Spirit led Bible believing Church. We see new stuff come and go all the time. Jesus is in control of the Church and that is something that he will never be out of control.

    The true way is the biblical way. Preachers need to get off the internet trying to find online sermons to preach and get on their knees and get God's will and preach what God gave them.

    I don't need a Lava Lamp prayer lamp to do my praying. I am not ashamed to call on Jesus with my own voice!

  8. @john paul, I hear where you are coming from and while prayer is essential, I am saddened when somebody spends the week praying for a message and 30 minutes in the Bible studying to prepare for one. Thus, all they have to deliver is a fiery message with a scripture or two here and there loosely applied, if not vaguely in context with the sermon preached. I am trying not to be mean, but lets be honest, when the shouting and cliches are said and done, we typically don't remember what the sermon was about other than we had "good church".

    @john wallace, absolutely, our purpose in teaching and preaching should be more than just emotionalism for the sake of good church, but to be about discipling people to have a deeper relationship with Jesus, teaching how to read and study the word, how to live for Jesus and love as He loved. We get preoccupied with being spirit led and forget that without love we have nothing.