#190-Not Emergents-Part 3-The Deportation and Resettling of our Ejected Friends

Dear reader (saint or heathen), John Paul (hero),

Lloyd the loyalist here with the third and final installment of the "not emergent" series.
We last left off on the modest proposal (see previous two posts for an understanding) with various occurrences to identify the emergents among us. They are not good people.

Once identified they are to be collected (possibly with bear traps.).
Now we take off, with the emergents in the back of vans.
They will be transported.
This will happen.
In the middle of the night.
While the world is asleep, we will be saving the world.
We will take them to the Yukon Territory in Northern Canada where there is nothing but tundra and a few white bears and some seals.

What I describe next, I must admit, is not my own genius that thought up such a function: Rather I saw on the History Channel...err...I mean, read on Wikipedia. It was about Japanese Internment camps during World War II wherein our Great and Sacred Country afforded the Japanese-American citizens of it's land a free vacation at these camps in beautiful and luxurious Utah. The reason for these internment camps was two-fold: Protect the Japanese from potential attacks by ignorant neighbors confused about the Japanese attacks during World War II. Also, the interment camps would naturally prevent potential acts of treason within the US from Japanese-American spies/traitors. The internment camps were for their best interest.

In the same vain, we take the Emergents to the Yukon. They will be deposited one by one in an asylum of sorts that we have constructed from unused funds given to Sheaves for Christ (we may have to eliminate sadly the funding of a position of a missionary or two).

Of course the name "asylum" is taboo. We will have to construct a a better name for appearances sake. I suggest one of the following with the possibility of slight variations...

• House of Virtuous Women
• Kirk Cameron Foundation Institute
• The Shelter of Recovering Souls

In the asylum, the rest of the emergent heresy will be hundreds and thousands of miles away. We will then be free to preach what we have always wanted to but feared our reputation: The gospels.

In the asylum, the emergents will be left to their own demise, whatever that may be. Anarchy will grab hold. We will not stop it. They will probably turn the asylum into a burlesque house. Maybe a house of all-embracing ecumenical acceptance. There will probably be astrology ministers. And Hillary Clinton will be invited to do guest sermons. Abortions will happen. No doubt. Evolution will be taught in the classrooms in the asylum. Harry Potter will be considered an apostle. The communist manifesto will be considered canon. They will baptize (which will be optional), they will do so in the name of 3 gods. It will all be explicit. It will be ruthless. I can see it now.

There will be blood. Human sacrifices. The emergent shaman leaders will be soaked in the blood of their sacrifices. They will choose to wear sack-clothes only. Even though we will provide them full garments (an act of charity). They will do rain dances. Tribal wars are probable.

They have no boundaries. They loathe such a concept. Morality is optional. The only boundary they will have is the ones we have gifted them with: the walls of the asylum itself. Polygamy will be in fashion up there. Child labor too. Child Labor! They will defecate on the pillows they sleep on. Spousal abuse will be frowned upon by not illegal. THEY WILL CLUB BABY SEALS. They will mock speaking in tongues and dancing in the spirit. They will say this looks right.

Do you see this?

Now if you remember the title to this proposed treatise, "A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Emergents Amongst Apostolics but While utilizing the Emergents in Such a Way that they Are Beneficial to Our Movement."

You will notice I believe we can make this a benefit to us. The removal of the emergents will be an obvious of a benefit enough. But I think we can use their anarchy of a religion even more to our benefit. So much so that sin will be an after thought in our movement. A faint ghost of the past ("remember a thing called sin?"). Here's How:

1) Have cameras set up in the asylum, let them record the chaos. When our apostolic youth come to the age of adulthood, 18, we will show each one of them, on their birthday, the videos which recorded the defiling ways of the emergents within the asylum. Let them see the carnage. We will tell these 18 year olds that if they reject absolute truth and accept relativism, and postmodernism, this is what they will become. The videos are showing the slippery slope without restraint. The youth will weep. They will never think once about roaming away from this faith ever again. This is good.

2) Of course, within the asylum it is inevitable that a few emergents will see the horror of their ways. They will see the debauchery that is a result of their theological position, and want to exit at once. They will ask to be removed from the asylum. We will adhere to their request. And then (here's the beauty), they will volunteer to function as as living witnesses against the whiles of their pagan emergent past. They will tell the apostolic children and youth pastors that if anyone is considering the emergent path, they must do an about face. They will tell stories and scream loudly. Their eyes will bulge out of their head. This is scary. AHHHH!

It will be like that show in the late 80's and 90's called "Scared Straight" wherein troubled youths visit a prison and a convict who is usually a big black man with tattoos will scare them about the horrors of jail and how their lifestyle will lead to such horrific ends.

"RUN KIDS"

And they ran. And they cried too.

The apostolic troubled youth will do the same.

This will be beneficial to us.

In closing, I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as the highest importance. I myself have been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts at how to resolve the emergent problem. I fortunately, on a random March evening fell upon this proposal in my own brain, which was wholly unconventional, but also solid and real. Of little expense and trouble to ourselves.

Now let it be said that I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer so resolve the dilemma of our age, but I must add that if any proposal is to be considered next to the modest proposal set fourth in the past 3 posts, let it be found equally innocent, cheap, easy and effectual.