Friday, December 17, 2010

#212-Perfection with a Microphone

For those who don't know, that's Taylor Swift. I actually don't really like Taylor Swift, but I figured her picture would do for this post.

I have decided that Joel’s rants about women are usually quite legitimate and understandable…but they are rather, I feel the need to defend all the ladies. Hence this post.
I had my hopes and dreams shattered at a very young age. I was all of the age of nine (or thereabouts) when I was told I could not carry a tune. Ah! At the time, this made no impression, but I was to soon learn that was the ultimate cause of all my failures in life…and would be the ultimate reason why I would never find an Apostolic mate.
You see, in Apostolic World where I grew up, being able to sing is one of the Unspoken Commandments. Much like having an amazing wardrobe and naturally awesome hair, the ability to sing is coveted by all and, I have to admit, possessed by many. Except me. I am the ultimate failure, the one mistake God created! Here I sit in my tone-deaf glory, wishing desperately that I could carry a tune!...but alas, I am relegated to the back of a choir and forced to sing alone to myself in my car.
This actually does not bother me. I do worry about finding a future husband, however, because we all know that the only thing an Apostolic male wants is a hot blond with the voice of a black woman. This would appear to be an impossible combination, but apparently many women can manage that, especially if they want to grow up and become a Pastor’s Wife.
Illusory thing, the Perfect Pastor’s Wife.
It always amazes me the number of Apostolic guys who have such impossibly high standards for their future mate. Not only must she be beautiful and skinny, but, she must possess a gorgeous, modest, holy wardrobe and must be endowed with musical talents out the wazoo. What strikes me as even more remarkable (ridiculous!) is the number of girls who try and meet these standards.
Heaven forbid! It pains me when I see girls who spend massive amounts of money on their wardrobes, countless hours on their hair, and painful hours in their heels, all to impress a young man who can preach for 20 minutes without breaking a sweat.
I really do not know the logic behind the demands of the Apostolic man. Yes, I suppose it’s nice to have a living, breathing, singing!, dressed-to-perfection being next to you at the minister’s banquet, but come on. What are you going to do the next day when the clock strikes twelve and Pente-Ella’s hair comes down and she steps out of those gorgeous high heels? Exactly. Can anyone say rude awakening?


  1. I have:

    a sad, sad wardrobe (yep, still wearing skirts I wore at age 16... and I'm 25... Lord help me. Transport me to a store. Somethin'!)

    s mess of fuzzy, frizzy hair, and

    absolutely no musical talents. None. No singing, no playing -- I can hardly clap!

    And I have a wonderful, amazing, sweet, devoted, handsome husband.

    You'll be fine :)

    PS Love the post, know this (my comment) wasn't the point, had to brag, er, express my thankfulness :)

  2. For a moment I thought I had written this post in my sleep without knowing it.

    I also was told in apx. 4th grade by my choir teacher that I couldn't sing. She actually asked me to audition for the elementary school choir by singing in the crowded hallway and when I tried she said "Oh, I thought you could sing better then that." and as she turned away she took my pride with her. I've since learned that she was absolutely correct.

    The funny part, is that people in my church assume that since my mom and sister both sing, that I'm obviously burying my talent. I teach Sunday School, yet was asked once why I don't sing, and I said "because I can't." and they said "Well, you should be involved in church." lol I said "Sunday School teaching doesn't count?" they stumbled a bit and walked off. haha So not only is singing a coveted talent by many, to some people it's the only way you can be considered involved in church!!

    One last thing to note, I don't know about you, dear writer of this article - but I can sing better then any General Conference singer when I'm alone in my car. It's a fabulous thing to behold.

  3. Are the only available Apostolic men under-25, white, preacher wannabes? Yikes. I'm REALLY in trouble.

  4. lol! i applaud you Marissa, for holding it down for all the ladies out there... nice one.

  5. @chantell

    Ya, all the others got married or backslid.

    And from what I can tell the same holds true for AP ladies between 21 and 40.

  6. hahahahahahahahaha!!! awesome post!!! i also expect my wife to be able to birth a child and then get right back to pickin' cotton

  7. LOL!!! Good Post! Very true... I'm glad my husband sees me for me. I can sing and lead service and stuff... But as for the other stuff.. I think I'm out of luck! Especially on the skinny part =/ I think some Pentecostals put too much stock in if someone can sing & play or not. I can play a little - but nothing like Kevin Howard! In my own life I've been very criticized by those who are "more talented" than I am at this and judge... I suppose they think I don't practice enough because if I did I would be like Dino! So your right it is very frustrating - As a PK I've got to say a preachers wife that cannot play/sing but is a prayer warrior is JUST if sometimes not MORE powerful than the wife that can play/sing and hides behind it. I could go on and on.. But good post!

  8. I agree. I'd rather have a wife that could pray then one that could sing. Singing can't solve half the problems that prayer can.