Monday, December 6, 2010

#210-That Extra Material that Keeps You Holy


Editor's Note: Ladies and Gentlemen, a new blogger, Marissa Cooney. Give her a warm, round of applause as she writes during these horrid days when i have no time to write (I have topics I swear!).  Also any other people who want to blog for the site? e-mail me with sample article. 

(a side note: I do not know the girl in the picture. It most definitely is not me. But I do know some girls who would wear her tights. Nay, they would ENVY her those...glorious leg coverings.)
Today’s weather calls for hibernation. However, given that this is a civilized, capitalistic society that requires all its members to enter the world and produce something, hibernation is not a viable option for the American. So despite there being a teenage temperature outside (ha – who am I kidding? I’m from Texas and this happens maybe twice in a decade) all of us (from the North) have to face the cold…including…wait for it…the female Pentecostal.
OH, THE HORROR.
Faced with an unrelenting dedication to modesty and an unrelenting cold snap, both equally demanding attention, Pentecostal women are faced with three options: one being wearing a pair of boots, the other consisting of the ankle-length jean skirt approach, and the last and most formidable being multi-colored tights!
Yes, tights. They are an amazing solution to all winter’s problems – excluding snowdrifts and imperfect snowmen. That is why you will see Pentecostal women going to their local Forever 21 or Target and spending fifty dollars on itchy, scratchy material that doesn’t necessarily provide warmth, but provides a defense against the agonizing question, “you’re in a skirt? Aren’t you COLD?”
Sigh. Internally I always debate on answering with the following: “the fire of the Holy Ghost keeps me warm both inside and out, all the way down to my legs! That’s the true secret of it all. Come to church and you too will see!” Unfortunately, answering so honestly will probably never help me win someone to the Lord.
…I hate that question.
Tights explain how, when winter comes, Pentecostal women suddenly show up to church looking like a fluorescent light show has happened on their legs. I suppose sobriety in apparel does not apply here.
In addition to providing a solution for leg warmth, tights also provide yet another loophole for sin. This particular naughty deed involves wearing a pair of tights and then buying a skirt two inches above the knee. And why not? No skin is showing, after all! No, instead a nice two inches of sensuous kneecap is displayed covered by brightly covered material. No problems here.
The issue of tights also explains why you will see Pentecostal teenage girls wearing fishnets to church during the winter despite the stereotype that fishnets belong on strippers. Subjects of this kind have been slightly covered already (the hooker boots post), but I feel that the prevalence of fishnets in church is something that should be expanded on…perhaps in a later entry.

10 comments:

  1. I'm looking forward to the fishnet post. Expressly the ones with fleur-de-lis instead of squares.

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  2. I personally don't do tights. Just recently I came to own a pair of black tights, so I just might put those to use (I have to get new shoes though - of course) If the temp is in the upper 30's or higher I'll brave even a knee skirt with regular shoes (much to the chagrin of my coworkers) but colder then that, it's boots. I only own one long skirt and it's denim (which I can't wear to work). I should probably add some to my wardrobe, but it's hard to find them without making myself look frumpy (I'm only 5')

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  3. What I'm amazed by is that an incorrect interpretation of an obscure scripture in Duet coupled with a couple of out-of-context verses in the NT continue cripple smart people into thinking this is modesty.. Now that I've gotten that off my chest.. Good Job, I enjoyed the post..

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  5. 2 thumbs up Marissa--seeing this trend on the east coast too.

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  6. I think bright colored tights look tacky! I wear dark colored tights and boots most of the time during the winter! You forgot to mention "leggings"! Apparently wearing leggings that come two inches below the knee along with a skirt that is above the knee automatically makes one modest as well!

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  7. At least leggings aren't see through, like tights. If we were going to be really spiritual, we'd have multicolored leggings.

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  8. i dont get the really obnoxious tights anyway!
    i mean when your wearing (or atleast should be) a skirt that comes to below your knee....whats the point of really crazy tights because you cant see them anyway!
    hahahaha
    and i aboslutely HATE!!!!! HATE HATE AHTE! (did i mention hate?)
    when girls use the excuse of leggings to wear obviously too short dresses/skirts....maybe it was meant to be a shirt IDK!

    lol not cool....
    one time this girl who was a greeter at my church came in wearing a coat that was longer than her skirt.....all i saw was bottom-of-coat then on downward were her complete knees....oh lord is all i thought....
    then it was even shorter than her coat!
    WHAT?!
    how do people think they can do these things!

    but @ brittany- brilliant hahaha that literally made me laugh out loud. love it.
    dont hate the east coast!
    (although i do admit ive seen alot of it...and am not a fan)

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  9. freaking love your posts!!!! LOL

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