Monday, December 21, 2009

#106-Going to the Bathroom during church

How many churches would have been lit on fire in boredom during church had it not been for the saving grace of the opportunity for a bathroom break during church?

But yet, to you "ole faithful bathroom," I thank you for the opportunity for a break from the church madness. Without you, my only other outlet from the church service would be to text which we all know is worse than chewing gum during church.

Of course, we must be willing to accept that roughly 60% of bathroom breaks are done in vain during church times.

I make no qualms about it...there are many a occasion (though not all) wherein after offering, i take off down the middle aisle to my own place of solace and silence, otherwise known as the church bathroom. At this church bathroom, usually nothing efficient happens, save a washing of hands and a rearrangement of a rogue piece of hair on my head.

While we bathroom-break-takers-during-church participants are ragged on on occasion when a pastoral rant is called for, we will take the anonymous jabs in exchange for those precious moments where we are not restricted nor burdened by the church pew/chair in front of us.

Of course the awkwardness comes for those who attend smaller churches wherein the difficulty is not in the bathroom break itself, but rather it is the awkwardness of re-entry into the service post-bathroom break where if one opens the door at the wrong time, the whole church will hear the creaking of the church doors, and turn their head around to see that you have disrupted the flow of the God-moving service.

Of course guy bathroom breaks are not why this topic is so infamous amongst apostolics....

The Female and the church Bathroom

Girls love going to the bathroom. And they love going to the bathroom in pairs.

If there is one thing I want on my tombstone when I die, it is the above sentence.

First off, I don't know why girls have to go to the bathroom in pairs...Do they need to help each other in the bathroom? Are you that lonely that you need someone to talk to? Are you that worried that you might fall in the toilet?

Truth is, I have no answer. And I have asked many girls this question and they have no answer...

How does this relate to this topic of the post? Well, girls don't just love going to the bathroom during church...they love doing so in bunches and mobs and whatnot...

Have you ever noticed that when musicians leave the platform they are miraculously gone for ten minutes on end? Well they are taking a bathroom break. And for some reason, it is well accepted in church circles that musicians are afforded the privilege of an extended 5 minutes to the normal 2-4 minute bathroom break that is customary. And what do they do during these extended breaks?

Well I think the answer to what girls do in the bathroom and musicians do in the bathroom during these breaks is one in the same:

They party and gossip and take pictures.

Seriously, the first thing a church should do if they want to slow down church gossip is get rid of the girl's bathroom.

As for the party? I really can't tell you much because I have never been invited. But it's a conspiracy of mine....girls go to the bathroom in pairs or more in order to bring an instant party to the sink/mirror. For what good is a party if just one person attends?

And as for the pictures...

My goodness...

I would venture to say that a good 50% of facebook pictures taken in front of a mirror are done at church during church bathroom break time. Nothing says like "Getting some God at church" than taking a narcissistic photo of oneself in a mirror.


  1. Lol, maybe the girls are on a spiritual cleanse and frequent bathroom visits is a must...Who knows...It will forever be a mystery to me...

  2. Totally hilarious! And true.

  3. Ah, but great is the mystery of the female powder room break. To unmask the secret, Captain Obvious, would be to guess that maybe personal items are exchanged in private rather than across the pew. But much more sublime answers are deep within the feminine mystique, secrets that females share only with each other, mysteries of womanhood that men will never discover nor seek to unfold. Which may be the better road taken.

  4. As a woman, I hate it when another woman invites herself along to join me in the bathroom. 1; The bathroom is a HORRIBLE place to gossip because you just never know who is eves dropping in the corner stall. 2; It's creepy having someone "listen" while you use the bathroom. 3; It just proves a woman has either way too low or way too high self esteem... cuz either they can't be alone without feeling bad about themselves, or they just can't get enough of themselves in the mirror. ha ha!!

    Funny post!! ;)

  5. Stu you speak of things which I dare say we know not. We can make speculations of the inner realms of the female bathrooms, but I dare say such speculations are done in vain, for the possessions and ways of a women are an absolute befuddling mess of proper decency to the simple ways of the male.

    R, thank you for your service to informing us about the female motivations of their obsession with the bathroom and likewise group outings to the bathroom. You are hereby awarded some kind of imaginary medal for your service in helping men understand women's behavioral patterns in the bathroom. That said, I am fully glad you did not reveal your full name for that assuredly would have resulted in your exile from the female community into an even stranger land of gender ambiguity.

    Thank you kindly,