Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Oh the legacy of being an usher. What more can we say of you that has already not be said ye usher? (excuse my use of King James English as I have been hopelessly bound to reading Moby Dick as of late) Ye ushers protect our temple’s treasury from the attacks of the bawler, thief, and demoniac forces to which we are so accustomed. Where would we be without you ushers?

Perhaps, without the usher, upon the giving of our monetary gifts and tithes, our church would be found under continuous attack of Somalian pirates and other such scoundrels  wherein our plight would results in immediate bankruptcy unable to properly fund the salaries of our pastors, elders, and electrical bills therein. For in the bowels of self sufficiency as a church, we need but a few valiant characters of ill-repute who find their calling not in the praise of the congregation en mass, but rather in the calling of justice and the protection of funds therein.
But seriously, who are they that possess the mysterious roll of that as usher? Is it he who looks to the church sermon as the last remaining possible vestige in this apocalyptic world to find a proper context whence we may nap peacefully and without restraint? For surely, we know the task of sleep during church is a very difficult mission as it is. And we know that the further back one is to sit within the sanctuary, the more easily we may rest our eyes and by undaunted by the speculative eyes of fellow parishioners who find no better joy than to spot the church sleeper during preaching? With such in mind, where is the best spot to sit as an interested party to sleep? Not even the back row, but rather the seat of usher.

Or perhaps the usher is he who wants never to be seen in the altar during church in fear of being committed to the laying on of hands of those “holy rollers” who seek nothing more than to see tears or a dance from those whom they prey on with in prayer. With this in mind, the usher is no different than the sound man without an ear for the music.

Lastly, we must ask, is the usher our congregation’s most concrete form of the legalistic judaizers which we read about in Galations? While they may not be walking around to commit spontaneous acts of circumcision, is it not the usher who reaps visual unspoken judgment on they that choose to partake in the unholy act choosing the toilet and/or urinal for their brief sabbatical from the sermon itself? In such a regard, could it be proposed that the usher is not so much sitting in judgment over the bathroom-break taker, but rather is envious of being defeated in the usher’s task be as far removed from the service itself as possible but still be considered an a participant of the service thereof?

But this post should not end on such a negative speculative note. For we all know the usher is but a tremendous saint if only for the ability to point the random guest to an unoccupied pew/seat that otherwise would have taken an entire 30 seconds to spot if the guest was left alone to choose their seat and the spiritual destiny that seat implies?

Or perhaps, the best description yet: The ushers are simply a code word for "Church Police." They bring the heat, and they bring it with the fiery justice of the Old Testament. They settle for no running, they settle for no talking, and they settle for nothing that can be confused as enjoyable in the house of God. A long while back I did a post on the "No-fun police" but I have come to realize the "no-fun police" are a subsidiary of the "Church Police" who are the ushers.

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