Thursday, November 5, 2009


This post was recommended by an anonymous source....

There is a saying I am about to make up, that I would like to attribute to some famous UPC preacher...

"When we start to leave the hairspray off our heads, we start leaving the Jesus out of our hearts."

Think about it...before the hair cutting, before the wearing of pants, what is the first thing that really goes for a prospective female back slider? They stop caking the hair spray on their head. They stop with the whole doing your hair up, and just start letting their hair down (if you're a female). The male usually just lets his hair grow out instead of doing his hair like with a well hair-spray sealed parting of hair (like Ted Coppel) or spiking it like he was a new evolutionary form of a hedgehog. In essence they stop caring so much about what they look like at church, and the hair spray is the first indicator of this Pentecostal hair styling apathy.

The anonymous contributor described her and her husband's always growing fondness of hairspray,
"We use a ton of it and we have tried every brand (when in the drugstore w/ a non-Christian friend she noted that I had a story behind each brand…… too sticky, nozzle always clogs up etc.  It even seems A/P men use it more than their worldly counterparts.  My husband came to the truth a couple of years ago and had never thought of using the stuff.  But recently he has asked for his own can of hairspray.  Brought me to tears.
Yes, he’s really Apostolic now!"

Which brings me to this point.....Have you ever meant a coffee efficienado (sp?)? To me Coffee tastes like coffee (and i love coffee). The smells may be different and the tastes may vary slightly, but to me all coffee tastes way more similar than different....but yet there are coffee experts who swear there are strong flavor differences and the region which the beans come from dictate the essence of coffee flavor...(sidenote: I can't stand food and beverage snobs who make flavor distinctions of the utmost importance to dignify their eating sense of elitism...such vulgar and discontent people.)

Well the above commentator on hair spray got me hairspray our one product where we can decipher small differences in substance that the rest of the world could care less about?

Three more questions:

  • What would our general conferences and conventions be without hairspray? Seriously, not only are all conventions and conferences made or broken with whispering and open conversations of who did what with their hair (only made possible by hair spray and prayer), but also a good 12.5% of all our time at these events is spent doing our hair with that magic of all magical vessels: The hair spray bottle (male and female included).....
  • Are Apostolics the environmentalists worst enemy? I really wonder how much O-zone destruction Apostolics have done as a denomination with the uncountable Hair spray bottles we go through just to make sure our hair is absolutely perfect.... 
  • How many Holy Ghost Praythroughs Have been hindered sincerely by hairspray? Seriously, Lord knows how many men and women have contemplated getting involved in the altar call only to have flashes of the 2 hours they spent before services making their hair just right with the proper "swooshing angle" across their forehead and once at the altar call, surely some inconsiderate elder will squash all the hair awesomeness with a forceful open hand to the top of our head...And if this were not to happen, what if God tarries and we are provoked to make some dancing gestures of jerking back and forth and intense sweating that will inevitably cause our hair to end in a state of unrecognizable, unfixable chaos?  So we let our hair remain in tact and our spiritual life in flux...


  1. Your logic is warped (shock)...

    I use TONS of hairspray, but I'm also backslidden. Explain that.

  2. If you are a man, and there is hair on your ears, then there is sin in your heart. Thank God for hairspray to prevent such sin from occurring.

  3. Yea, Amen, and Hallelujah!

    I wondered when this was going to show up. =D

  4. I don't leave the house without it....

    There is hope for you AK.....just keep spraying.

  5. Hairspray is the glue,or should I say shelaq that keeps our glory together. I have even used clothes spray with heavy starch, it flakes a little, but my glory stayed. You know the higher the poof the closer to God.

  6. Woohoo!!! You know your Apostolic if you know how to peel of layers of hairspray skin off your ears!!! I totally use Rave 4x too!!! :)

  7. It is nice to know I can expect to backslide any second because I hate hairspray! Apparently, my whole life I've been in church on the verge of the pit w/o even knowing it :D I am the proverbial Apostolic bun-head, because I hate hairspray. It's sticky, stinky (although they're getting better) and suffocating. I have used hairspray once in the past year when I actually curled my hair for the Christmas Banquet and my family's yearly photo. My other use for hairspray is to kill any bugs that find their way into my house, like I said, suffocating them. Oh wait, and it is also good for runs in pantyhoes :) but still sticky and stinky.