Tuesday, November 24, 2009

#98- A: New Church Girl Theory (NCGT)-aka New Church Guy Theory. B: New Convert/Church Transfer Theory (NCT/NCTT)

Addendum: The first part is more intended for more of my apostolic peers of dating age (or perhaps if you are married, reflect back on those days when you were in hot pursuit of fellow future Wives and Husbands at youth rallys and in church and what not)

(Please note, in all of the below, the New Girl theory can be changed to the New Guy Theory)

I remember being in fourth grade and we had just gotten back to school from Christmas break and the whispers were making their way around the hallways: There was a new girl in our grade. And she was not just any new girl...she was hot! And as we anxiously waited for our own-first hand testimony of this rumor, we ate up every word from each person who confirmed the reports that we had heard of her attractiveness. Of course there were the naysayers who said the new girl was "alright" or "OK" but who were they to have an opinion anyway?

And then we saw the girl...and the reports were true...she was fantastic! Instantly the new girl was the prize of our grade who every guy wanted to call his girlfriend but were just too uninformed on how exactly to make this happen. She was the hot product for the remainder of the year. And then when we arrived in middle school she was quickly categorized from "hot" to "to be determined" with 40% of all females in the grade on account of the giant grab-bag of girls from all the different elementary schools arriving at once without order. This melting pot going into middle school is one of the most conflicting times for an individual as not only does the individual notl know where they think they stand amongst their peers, but they also don't know who is cool and who is not, and no one wants to pursue the opposite gender below their own social status in their grade. By the second semester of sixth grade the hot new girl from fifth grade was categorized to subpar. All of this without her looks changing that dramatically. What gives?

We may also use this scenario in a more generic sense when literally all four of the hot girls in our elementary school were suddenly downgraded to "kinda cute" after the "To be determined stage" simply because these girls really were not that hot after all. The girls who were once considered hot were easily overwhelmed by the girls who were either a) hotter than those girls or b)new girls

It was only in the context of our aesthetically deprived elementary school were the kinda cute girls considered hot. Hotness is truly relative. And lucky for the "kinda cute" girls, the "hot girls" niche was completely empty for them to fill in elementary school. It was once new girls were introduced into the picture as well as genuinely better looking girls then the "Hot girls" were instantly downgraded to their proper place in attractiveness...

This brings us first to the biggest theory: New Girl Theory-(can be used for guys as well)-New Girls look better than old girls (and we are not talking age). It's kind of like the University of Michigan Law School application where the school adds 25 points to the application simply for being african-american. If you're a new girl, you just automatically have a better chance of being attractive. This means new girls who are kinda cute can be considered hot. Hot girls who are new are considered Supermodel hot. And average new girls are upgraded to being cute.

In such scenarios, no one thinks to test the personality, intellect, or even history of the New Girl (she could be hot, but she could have a lot of baggage). Everyone treats the new girl as if she was a brand new barbie straight out of the package handed to us directly from God....

What this means: If you are new to a setting (if you are the new girl or new guy)-Find your spouse as quick as possible, because unless you really are divine, your attractiveness is going to go gradually down as you stay around longer in the setting (the carbonation will eventually go flat)

As to the New Church Girl Theory (NCGT)-the term we use for someone benefiting from this theory is "Church Girl Hot." such as...

A: Did you see Jim's girlfriend, she is hott.
B: No, she is just Church Girl Hot.

For the NCGT, when a girl or guy walks into church, that girl/guy is instantly considered attractive in some form (unless they are suffering from some bizarre bodily abnormalities). Church and church culture can get pretty monotonous. So when a new girl walks into church, instantly one's pituitary gland creates a remarkably large amount of endorphins in relation to this new female. This process causes your brain to tell you "yo, that female is someone new and could very well be our next future spouse, so we better get a closer look. And until you have had enough time to fully evaluate this possible future spouse, we are going to make her way more attractive than she really is as to cause you to pursue her with all your energy."

The NCG also benefits from a lack of resources of datable girls in the church. So instantly, any form of the opposite gender is going to be an infinite attractive difference than what existed previous her entry into church....or any other words: Your brain has evaluated every female within the church culture and has decided that none of the females are marriage (or date worthy) so any kind of female is better than no datable females....

And this is how we arrive at both the New Girl Theory and the New Church Girl Theory.

New Convert/New Church Transfer Theory

The New Convert Theory or New Church Transfer theory is pretty self-explanatory once introduced to the New Church Girl Theory. Except this theory doesn't take the New Person/Family at church down to an attraction level.

 Simply put everyone loves the new family or couple who transfers from the "Got too conservative/liberal of a church down  the road" to your church, the family who moved because of a job transfer or the new convert in your own church. They're not only a sign of the oncoming revival your church has been anticipating for so long, they are also a mode of validation of your own theology and church in a way, because if they are willing to put 10% of their income on the line and spend it at your church to hear your pastor every Sunday, your church must be doing something right.

But the New Convert/Church Transfer is something so precious. You may not even talk to the new people or you may do so with a over abundance of enthusiasm, but whatever the kind of interaction, you just don't want to ruin them. At the same note you don't want other people in your church to ruin them. You don't want anyone to tell them about standards for the time being as to offend them right out of church. You also don't want them to get the impression that everyone in the church is like crazy guy X who is a very-close talker and talks about weird stuff and greets you with a very over-enthusiastic "praise the Lord." You don't want to pollute the newbies minds as to see them leave the church as quickly as they arrived.

With that said, they are ultimately like a new car that has it's own unique smell for the first year or so after you get into the car (bonus points if it's leather). You really enjoy the novelty of the newness of both the car and new family. But after a while something in your brand starts taking both for granted and you just get used to the smell of the car/look and behavior of the new family and suddenly they aren't so new.

In the new car that turns old, it in a way goes from being something new and different to something that becomes a part of you as the driver and thus something that is a part of you does not have a separate uniqueness to it. In the same way, you get used to the new convert in your church. After a while it's like they have molded into an actual old pillar of the church as you yourself have been for far too long. You know longer see their opinion so precious since most likely their opinion is just like yours as a member of the church fully molded and joined together.....


  1. There is so much truth to this post. Easily a top 5 post on this blog.
    Jereme Suey

  2. I have only one problem with this post.
    "The NCG also benefits from a lack of resources of datable girls in the church."
    Try being the NCG(irl) only to discover that there is no guys in the new church at all. There is just an overpopulation of unwed females. Ok that might be a bit harsh, but I do think that the girls out number the guys.