Sunday, October 10, 2010

#198-The Apostolic Aristocracy: How to be fascist, fashionable and famous

Aristocracy has three successive ages: the age of superiorities, that of privileges, and that of vanities. Having passed out of the first, it degenerates in the second, and dies away the third. -Chateaubriand

How to be fascist, fashionable, and famous at the next big youth event that everyone in the tri-state area will be at and will end with you jumping over a bonfire because you are that special....

Tonight you will be glorious. A radiant light. Begin.

First figure out what to wear. Aim to dress up like a sparkler. No, aim to be a parade. Will your yourself to Apostolic Aristocracy. You will own this night. While looking in your closet, play music. KANYE OFF THE HEEZY! Bob your head to the music, no one's watching. Not yet, anyways. Consider your options of dress. Conclude that the leopard skin blouse that you bought last week at Marshall's is the best option. No one else will be wearing this. That matters. The leopard skin is symbolic. You are a man-eating, heartbreaking carnivore, lurking for the next kill. DO NOT think about Brian, your ex. You were too good for him anyways. He had no idea how good he had it with you. He took you for granted. He will be there tonight.You should not have cried last week when he broke up with you in his Ford Focus. Who has a Ford Focus anyways? Tonight, you will show him. Show him what he's missing. Now throw on that black shiny jacket and that black  dress that you always wear. I doubt anyone will notice. Now for shoes...Red Heels. They don't match whatsoever, but that's who you are. Unpredictable. A mishmash of impeccable dignity. That is you! You are not like the rest. So different.

 Now what about your hair? Hmmmm....I don't know much about female hair. I am just a male blogger trying to make an example of the whiles of materialism that runs rampant in our movement. Just do something ridiculous with your hair. Lot of curls. Half a can of hair spray exhausted on those beautiful locks of hair. And a bun. You need a massive bun. Just like that. Oh that's hideous. Perfect! Add a feather? Maybe a gigantic headband? No,you are right.The headband with fake gold studs in them is more atrocious.Wear that.

Now stare at yourself in the mirror. Look at you! Take a picture of yourself in the mirror. Facebook it. They are so not ready for you.

Get in your car and drive fast.  Real Fast. Put those giant-bug-eyed sunglasses on your face that hide your face to deceive prospective future husbands on facebook. The glasses make you look how you feel. Take a picture of yourself while driving. Send many text messages while you are driving. You are going to something exciting, you need music. BLAST THE MUSIC. John Legend for the win! Starbucks? No. That's too pretty. A flavored beverage with three pumps of caramel will not do. Go to the gas station instead. Buy two Monster energy drinks. One for the road and one for your purse. Remind yourself, you are immortal. Pound that Monster hard and drive even faster than before. Make a stock investment on your iPhone. Is the window down? Roll it down then! Who cares about your hair when you need to have a moment on the highway. You should also be going faster than before. Because you have Monster energy in your system. Feel your heart pound from all the energy. Why is your seatbelt on? You are immortal, remember? Brian can't touch you! Seriously, you are going so fast. This is good. You look incredible. Dance in your car with awkward shoulder bounces. Sing the lyrics hard. You are an American Idol. An Apostolic idol at least..."We're all ordinary people...." Except you.You are not ordinary. You are a moderately attractive, hideously dressed exception. Roll baby, roll...More Monster Energy please. When you turn into the church parking lot, turn the music down. They cannot know about the party that you just had in your car. No one was invited to it. Because you are exclusive.

Tonight, you are goddess amongst dwarfs. Act your part. You are a half hour early. This is good. It allows you time to set up. Enter the church building in a full sprint. This will cause confusion. It's also a window into your life and how much more exceptional you are than the rest of the Apostolic peasants, who settle for walking everywhere. Upon your sprint start going in one direction and then after 100 feet of that, run in the complete opposite direction. You are unpredictable. They won't know what to make of you, other than say isn't that Pastor so and so's daughter? Which is true. But you are so much more than that as well. You have over 500 friends on facebook. Most of them you don't know. Most of them are males stalking you. You like the attention. 

Now acquire a table from the church. Steal it if you have to. Set it up in the vestibule with a chair facing all who enter. This is to be your own booth. So people can line up to take part in your majestic presence. Take the art easel I asked you to bring before this blogpost started and set it up next to the table. Now place that giant blown up portrait of your facebook profile and put it on the art easel. This will show that while you have edited the facebook photo somewhat with a little tint to cover the facial blemishes and have taken the pic at an obscure angle to make you look a little better than you really are, that at the end of the day, that person in the photograph is indeed you.

As to the conversations that transpire, They are maddening and forgetful. Just like you, if our world wasn't so isolated from reality. The conversations with guys are flirty and dumb. You giggled a lot during them. All those guys in their pseudo-1920's ware full of tight pants, size-to-small vests, and minimalist ties/bow-ties. The conversations with girls are all about  each of you telling the other how good you look and how pretty their dress is, and asking where they bought it. But really, each of you hates what the other is wearing. They are competition for the spotlight. Your are prettier than them. Thank God you have a booth to differentiate yourself.

 This fake show goes on for the much of the evening including the sermon which you weren't listening to because you were taking 15 minute bathroom breaks hoping there would be more attention on you. Sermons are a distraction for the attention you deserve. Brian was also there. He had that promiscuous girl with him, Miranda Wimberly! This proves everything. She is not even really that much in church. Tell everyone you talk to about Miranda Wimberly. She is the devil. Out the devil. Expose her. Gather others who will validate your allegations. In your emotional distress head to the altar. Cry in prayer to Jesus. Repent for Brian. And what you guys did. And what you were going to do with him that night if Miranda Wimberly wasn't there. 

The service has ended. The real show begins. Hug a lot. Take a lot of pictures with people you barely know. Keep your eye out for a rebound. Just for tonight. Something that makes you get over Brian. Something that will make Brian jealous. 

At the restaurant, eat like a cow. Eat like this because soon enough it will start going to your hips, so you mind as well enjoy the food when it won't count. You can diet on a date in the near future. After this weekend. Food is your boyfriend for the time being. Laugh a lot too. Remember you have the Full Truth. This is what Jesus died on the cross for. For the ugly dresses and the big hair. This matters. You matter.

At the post-restaurant bonfire, hold back the tears. The guys have not shown as much interest as you would have liked. You do matter. You are important. You are hot. Maybe it's because you didn't use enough mascara. You are a pastor's daughter and you be a pastor's wife some day.

 Those 15 year old acne infested boys are doing that stupid thing where they try jumping over the bonfire. But look at them....they aren't doing it right. They are jumping over the weaker part of the fire. They are getting a lot of attention over it. And it's because they just chugged a Monster Energy Drink.

 Chug the Monster in your purse. Feel the excitement going down your throat. Breathe. Scream something. Wait a moment before you scream it. Let's think about what you are about to do. No, no, I agree. This is the right thing. Guys will finally pay attention. They will want you. Even if they are 15. But what to say? "Remember the Alamo?" No...that's expected. How about "Here's Joooohnny!" No, that will indicate you have seen Stanley Kubrick's 1980 masterpiece, The Shining starring Jack Nicholson and Shelly Duvall, which is rated R, and is borderline demonic. Then again, many people know that movie line without ever having seen the movie. Whatever, don't risk it. No, whatever you are about to scream needs to be expressive and profound. How about this: "Victory for the Fascist Revolutionary Party and to Mussolini and God?" YES! That is it. Say that. 

Here you go....scream it really fast so it becomes a mumbled blur. If you articulate it too much they will see who you really are....screamm"VICTORY FOR THE FASCIST REVOLUTIONARY PARTY AND TO MUSSOLINI AND THE GOD ABOVE AND ALL THAT SHOULD ADMIRE THE APOSTOLIC ARISTOCRACY AHHHHHHHH!" Then run into a dead sprint. Confusing the world. And Jump over the fire's highest peak. Good. Now take a breather. Rest your hands on your knees. After throwing up your arms in celebration of course.You are Rocky from Rocky I, II, III, IV, and V. 

Look around. Wait for the cheers. They aren't coming. They are staring. Silent. You are the center of their universe for this moment which is the way it's supposed to be. Although, they are weirded out by your athleticism. It doesn't matter, you are above them. Take that Miranda Wimberly.


  1. So *that* is what goes on in the mind of someone like this. I always wondered about that lol.

  2. OH MY WORD!!! HA! I have seen way too many girls at conferences that must have been thinking exactly what you wrote... please inform the gentlemen the tight pants(that make it impossible to pray) and their little brother's vests are just not as awesome as they think...just tight...really tight...

  3. While I agree with your semi-cynical portrayal...I just have to say that I hope you don't put everyone into the same basket. There are still some sane people out there...somewhere.

  4. Some Girl,

    I guess i should have mentioned that...I was not suggesting all female's in the movement are like this. Rather, I think the girls that are like what is written above is actually far and away a well publicized minority.

    Sorry for the confusion,


  5. What's sad is that people like this actually exist.

    What's funny is being dumped in a Ford Focus. Plus "This is what Jesus died on the cross for. For the ugly dresses and the big hair." I kind of second guessed myself when I laughed at that though, like when you admit something in prayer that makes the little voice in your head whimper, "No! You shouldn't have told Him that! Now He knows how incompetently incapable we really are!"

  6. ....I think the girls that are like what is written above is actually far and away a well publicized minority....

    Your being nice.

  7. I think they are a minority - it's just a noisy and flashy minority so it seems there are more of them.

  8. marry me. this just made my day.