#197-Us Against Them

This is so uncalled for.

Sometimes you watch videos on Youtube. Most of the time these things are junk. In this junk, there can be found precious junk. The following video is an example of such an instance. You may have already seen it. Either way, you need to see this. (Note: the man in the video is a famous illusionist and also a staunch skeptic/atheist who openly opposes any sign of faith and to say the least is not a fan of Christianity, Also the video is 5 minutes long with a story, but if you want to get to the heart of the video, start at the 3 minute mark).

Don't close your eyes....

(Note, the man did not convert in this video. He was just trying to make a point of logic).

When I watch this video, I wonder if I even believe in God (and now you know where those days of doubt I talked about come from). I think I do believe in God. I feel Him. In the darkest of nights He is there when I can see nothing.

But that video. I reeled for months when I saw it. I haven't saved a soul. Not even tempted to save a soul. When God comes up to an unsaved friend, I talk about my beliefs. But I do it in such a deplorable tone, as if I am obligated to promote God. I don't want to burden them. If they don't think they need God, who am I to tell them otherwise?

That video had my soul shivering in a blanket in a spiritual quiver when I first saw it. If I wasn't actively trying to save people, did this mean I didn't believe?

Why am I not urgent about the lost soul? Just one lost soul. Anything to show that atheist that I am a good Christian too.

Show your youth group the video. Do not try to soften the blow. If they haven't saved a soul, they should shiver if they are honest. I can give them a blanket.

But then I still feel God? Surely He can't approve of my apathy towards the decrepit state of the lost soul?

No, I do feel God. I am not to blame for my lack of sensitivity and heartlessness. 

This is not my fault. I am perfect. I approve of myself first and foremost. Before all else, I agree with myself. I am a modern day Job, blameless. I have truth! I am also decked out in boils that I will have to scrape off of my body with sharp pieces of wood chips. 

Therefore after much deliberation and soul searching, I have come to a conclusion: Something else is to blame.

Us

I will need friends. A company gathered on a thin raft. We are all equally equal in our approval of ourselves, and transversely approve of each other. 

We are liberals and emergents.[1]

Us liberals gather in a self-justifying fury. We have prayed to God. Read many books. Even read the scriptures. We have read the scriptures that we were told we shouldn't be focusing on. We have focused on those. 

We have come to conclusions! Verdicts. Decisions. We have charges which we are bringing before the court in front of an impartial jury. Our plight is not our fault. The fact that most of us save no one. This is not our fault. Someone must be blamed. We are valiant soldiers, who don't like praying at the altar for longer than seven minutes (fifteen minutes if the preacher is a big name).

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we prosecute them! 


The conservatives. The traditions.

It is they who have made us so disillusioned in our spirituality. And we have facts to prove it. And Charts. Someone should know.

Exhibit A (Chart on who is to blame)

Okay, so what if "we are bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance?" 

Bitter? Who isn't bitter anymore? Everyone's bitter. I eat bitter for breakfast. It's part of our appeal. It's the 21st century. We must have a platform of spite. It breeds efficiency and presence in a building.

Exhibit B: Let's discuss more facts: Everything the conservatives talk about has to do with circumcision. That's my first point. Whatever the conservatives say. The verses they show you, the jury. Know that secretly, it's all got to do with circumcision. Show us I Corinthians 11 and we'll say circumcision. Doesn't really make sense does it? Paul wrote both: The book about circumcision and I Corinthians 11. But that's just a minor issue. Forget about it. It is still all about circumcision.

Exhibit C: More facts. Solid facts. 

• Movie theaters? They won't let us go. We want to go. So we say: IMAX!. We win.
• They say no jewelry. We want to wear jewelery. So we say: Broaches and expensive watches. We Win!
• They say no shorts. We definitely want shorts. So we say: Skirts that show the calves of the female leg. We win! 

Check mate. Landslide victory. Indisputable facts. Now you see why we are so bitter and worldly? Not our fault. We are innocent. Conservatives are the guilty party.

Okay, so maybe those arguments are repetitive and simplistic (Note to liberals: Guys, we should really be getting better arguments. I remember saying these same things when I was 15).

More importantly though, we come bearing good news. Very good news. Because we are impressive. 

Here is the good news: 

• Don't Judge. 
• Mercy. 
• Grace

Except for conservatives. They are to be judged. And in our judgment they are limited to God's grace and mercy. Because their traditions form a force field deflecting God's grace.

Hypocritical? Yes. But which hypocritical side is to be preferred? Us or them? Us of course, we dress better. Know us. 

(Brief break to finish watching Jersey Shore. Because liberals are allowed this freedom. Do you see how fun we are?)

You want an image don't you? We are the distorted feedback in their ancient sound monitors from the 80's which the conservo's preach so eloquently through. You cannot be Apostolic without weird noises coming through your sound system now and again. We are those weird noises. Be us.

We are the more attractive, less dramatic, more entitled little brother

THEM

Big brother is scary. He has quite an identity too. Interests and stuff. But he is struggling too. In his own way. Teenage angst because things are not going as planned. (this is where I want you understand that "Big brother" is an individual analogy for "them" within our movement. Thus I will now refer to the brother as "them" for sake of clarity). 

They says it is not his fault. They have done things the right way. Kept the Lord's statutes. They will leave church cards with the tip at a restaurant. They care. They are expecting revival. They revival has not come. They will wait longer. Endure for the Kingdom's sake. Something must be done in the mean time. This is not their fault. They blame us. The innocent liberals. They are the more mature. If something is broken in the house, and we are blaming each other, Daddy will believe them because they are older. Older age means better perception. They form councils. 

Miraculous powers. They have read the scriptures. Some of them at least. They focus on different verses than us.

They also have the center stage. This is important. They run conferences. They are a formal institution. This is an advantage.

They allegations they bring against us, we plead guilty. Though we are innocent in our guilt. Spare us the guillotine please.

Although we would also like to point out that a lot of them have a television. Put that down in the record. Also mention that the liberals consider themselves orphans and paupers. This will get us the sympathy vote. We have requests too…

The Compromise of 2011

They owe us. It’s not like they would be better off without us. That would be ludicrous to think. We are the testimonies they caution their youth groups about. They tell them how they know us personally. Beware of us. But that’s an advantage. Because, we are real. We are not as invisible as the devil. So we are a tangible, current, and an identifiable demographic. This bodes well for everyone

Our first request is that you just send us your preaching tapes about us. Who doesn’t like hearing about themselves? Send the tapes U.P.S. preferably. That’s all we ask.

And one other thing….

We primarily want an award ceremony acknowledgement. Here is what the award should be called:

“The lifetime achievement award for giving us weekends full of material to preach against, conduct seminars in the name of, meet at Starbucks to talk about, and all in all just get all red faced about.”

The award will be announced and the best part about us is that we have faces.

And the award goes to… “The Emergents.”

And we’ll stand and wave to the crowd and smile big, “Here we are….” (We do that weird half turn where we pivot at our names because the seats limit us from being able to rotate in a full circle. And then our hair is nicely combed and we are doing that one waive where our hand pivots on our wrist.)

Thank you cards will not do. No, this needs to be public. We swear to you our cannibalism will be restrained for this one evening. You will not find any blood on our tuxedo (scout’s honor). We’ll even shake your hand and ask you how the kids are.

Fluff and acknowledgement is all the liberals are asking for. Because we are extraordinary, witty, bright blossoming roses (wear gloves so the thorns to prick you).

We should call the award ceremony a gala. No one does galas anymore. We need to have a gala.

Do you not see what this is all about? We need affirmation. That’s what it all comes down to. As for us, we have been affirming you older brother since the day we were born. Just affirm me. Affirm us. A gala would be perfect. We wouldn’t have to make a speech, though we would not be opposed. We are full of Gettysburg Addresses that would move you to tears. It’s not about standards. NO! We love standards. Because it gives us something to blame. A platform that allows us to be opposed to something which in turn give you something to be opposed to. It’s the Apostolic Circle of Life. This is pride rock. And we are all getting famous in the process. Just give us our due.

The Severe Dealings We Hand Out for the Love of God

The reality is we are all just children. Big and little brother. Dead serious children. More like toddlers. Seriously, people talk about how innocent children are. But it’s because their cognitive development has restricted them on how to use weapons properly. If they knew how to access & use sharp knives, 3 year olds would kill many 2 year olds. This is scientifically proven. Children have a very limited moral compass.

I am a ruthless child who just got hit in the eye with a snowball when I was just trying to make snow angels. You didn’t think snow angels could be so dangerous did you?

So we argue. I tell you, you’re ugly. And uncool. No one likes you because you have pimples on your face.

You say the parents weren’t intending to have me. I was an accident.

I mention that all of our neighbors think you are a freak because you act weird at church. Always overdressed.

You  remind me that I still wet my bed on occasion.

I begin plotting in my head.

I push you.

You will tear out my hair.

I will scratch your face with my fingernails.

If only I knew your twitter password. I would post a tweet with a swear word on it, or say you are optimistic about the Obama Administration or something. Something like that.

We’d do all of this. Escalation! Arms race. The ante always being upped.

Okay let’s call a truce. Just for a few minutes. Play a video game or something. Just a few minutes to catch our breath. Until one of us loses. You will probably lose because you were never good at video games. You will throw the controller at my face. You didn’t think that this lamp was so lightweight did you? Yes! Now I am wielding it as a weapon “BACK OFF!” You just rolled over that toy chest to demonstrate your anger. You are making such a mess. Although, I didn’t know you had that strength in you. That chest had a low center of gravity.

Look at you. Look at me. Look at us. We are such viscous children. We are brothers for God’s sake. We should not be doing this. Daddy, come tell us to shake hands. You can spank us if you have to. Something that gets the point across. So we can actually start caring about stuff that really matters. Like watch youtube videos.

And somewhere, in the deep recessess of your soul...In a place that you only have time to acknowledge in the most beautiful of solitudes, assuming your heart is not completely dried up, you ask yourself, "Is this what Jesus was about? Is this what the Cross was for? Is this the Gospel? And you think about that God-man hanging there with the thorny crown. The blood dripping down. The weakness. The 39 back lashings. Being denied by those closest to him...the "My God My God, why hast thou forsaken me?" All of it....the misery...for what?

Why did he do it?

For this? The finger-pointing? Those sermons? Those lost friendships?...

Don't get me wrong, I"m not above this. I'm in the middle of it. Throwing mud. But there comes those moments, you know where times slows down, and you kind of are able to get a bird's eye view of what you look like and what all of the fighting looks like....And how stupid and pathetic it is....All the conferences we have speaking against the others....I just had one of those moments...I'm sure it will end soon enough, but while i'm here, looking at us dressed up in suits saying nasty things about each other, how wreckless and infantile this all is...

Daddy Daddy, please show up. Spank us hard. Make us cry and go to bed. And we will pray too and tell you we are sorry.

So when we wake up, and are sitting quietly at the breakfast table, and I catch you glancing at me with those mischievous eyes, I will stick my tongue at you. Then you'll tell mom. Mom will threaten to call dad at work. She won't do it. You will flick your cereal at me with a spoon. And then we will argue about how it was the other one's fault that we got spanked in the first place....

I swear I will present my case how what happened in the fight was the fault of the Conservatives. It was something one of the preachers said at General Conference over the weekend. I am right. I am A bright birthday candle standing tall in a cemetery of decaying tombstones.

Sigh.

---

[1] I would like to emphasize that my use of “emergents” is used solely as a literary device and think the term reductionist and ridiculous. Especially since I have yet to meet one person who identifies themselves with the “emergent movement.” I couldn’t even begin to define what the term means in terms of theological beliefs and I dare say most attempts by either side to define the term within our movement have been quite pitiful. Rodney Shaw seems to be a notable exception in our movement who is doing a decent job trying to form a summation of what emergent theology looks like. Everything else I have seen by us is a giant straw man.