Stuff Apostolics Like

When one goes to read I Corinthians 12 and Paul's commentary on the importance of the entire body of Christ and how no part of the body is more important than another part (Does the eye say that it has no need for a toe?), and how we need to appreciate every single person who is apart of the body, one's mind goes straight to the under-appreciated workers within the church...the custodian, the kitchen attendant, the snow shoveler, etc... And then one ponders the sound guys and their ministry...They are an entirely different genre... A genre of people that no church body could be without, but certainly a genre that does not scream under-appreciated in comparison to the other workers mentioned above... Why? Because the church sound guys make their presence known...And they, nor their equipment will be messed with... I seriously feel like I could write an entire book about the Sound Ministry within churches...simply because it of how fascinating the world of the sound man is comple...

A few years back, Israel Houghton released a song entitled "Say So" that reached Apostolic fame everywhere (meaning it was played every youth service and every-other adult service for a solid 8-24 months).... And there was something different in the song...it was catchy...really catchy...like "does this qualify as worship catchy?" But yet the lyrics were really good and while we were debating whether or not a song can be too "poppy" to be played in church, something changed in our ranks.... A catchy song per worship service become customary (unless the atmosphere demanded otherwise).... And this "Say so" led the way for what is now routine in worship services: Being free.... A year after "say so" came out, Eddie James released the Titanic of catchy worship songs in "Freedom." (video above)... And it has been put on repeat at every camp, conference, convention, and church service since.... Not only is this song catchy, but it b...

Okay, so I had a whole post here, but as a few of you pointed out, it is definitely overly cynical so I have deleted it as you guys suggested. This won't be the case every time someone doesn't like a post (or this blog would be half as long as before)....but I did write this blog in a hurry this afternoon and completely agree that the tone behind it appeared to be more bitter than satirical.... With that said, I think the description in the blog title suffices as it is self-explanatory Thanks for all the help guys....

Okay so this may not have been the exact picture I am looking for above, but it will suffice. Let me describe the ideal scene I have in mind: It's been altar call for a good 10-15 minutes now (or a break through worship service), and the mood at the altar is somber. God is moving and you begin to anticipate that this could end up turning into one of those altar calls that has no temporal boundaries. It could go hours...the Spirit is lingering and the Pastor is whispering to God in his chair...Where this winds up is anyone's guess. And suddenly you feel yourself being drawn to a quiet time with our Savior. So you quietly resign yourself from the altar and slip into the corner of the sanctuary in a pew hunched over with head in hands. Two occasions usually call for such a prayer: Either a prayer of confession and repentance, or a prayer for a cry of help in the midst of the storm.... Either way, it's you and God mono-e-mono....and you don't want to be disturbed... And th...

Rule #1 for Apostolic Youth Groups: Have name Rule #2 for Apostolic Youth Groups: Make sure the name mentioned in rule #1 is awesome Basically it all starts out with usually a new youth pastor. And the new youth pastor is looking at kind of a fixer-upper in the youth group. They are bored of the monotony of adult church, and repulsed by the immaturity of Children's ministry (it's not all about having fun anymore). So the youth pastor sits in his office drawing on his white board a big circle with the words "Youth Group" written very largely within this circle. There is also a possibility of a giant question mark pointing to the "Youth Group." It probably looks like this: Of course we should be making the connection that the Circle wherein "Youth Group" is written is used to signify the actual youth group. The question mark pointing inside the circle is supposed to inform us that there is confusion about this youth group, but behind this confusion ...

You know those families at your church that keep manufacturing babies almost every year, and if not every year, it's every other year? It's like they produce so many babies that by the time the third baby debuts in church just in time for the fall-line of clothing at the baby gap, you make a conscious decision to stop attempting to remember all their names....Basically you just start categorizing the mass of brothers and sister's in that family by their last name alone: "Hey Smith kid." And you wonder, why don't they use birth control? The most common response would admirably be that they don't believe in birth control, which is an entirely acceptable belief if you ask me (really I sincerely mean that)... but I also propose to you today an alternative explanation of why some families are determined to birth as many babies as every family that has a show on TLC... The theory: The moms like having an excuse to chill in the nursery during church... It's ...

Okay, going into this post I fully admit the possibility that roughly only 10% of the audience may know/remember what Adventures in Odyssey was (to the rest I apologize, and ask you to continue on to post #59). The Adventures in Odyssey was born out of the brain of James Dobson & his Focus on the Family group (see post #42). Essentially it was a Christian-themed radio series (made into a television series at one point) that focused on tales of calamity and adventures at "Whit's End" which was an ice cream parlor that Whit, an old man, would constantly be inviting a little boy and his dog to help overcome difficulties from bad guys and what not. Typical Stuff for a children's program. Except, my family was one of the rebellious families growing up that allowed television in the house. So when it came time to go to a friend's house in church who was more Christian and thus had no TV to watch, the main form of entertainment outside of having a house that smelled...

I could have titled this blog, "Sitting in the same seat every church service" but that would be too boring... But seriously, as part of the human condition we love routine. We don't like dramatic changes, and even a little shift in regulated seating can take us out of our element... So we claim seats as our own.... Because if we don't, the Holy Ghost would never be ab le to move as it desired because of how uncomfortable we would feel during service. But there are different categories of the seat claimers: The Possessive These are the people who bring no one any harm i n church and thus they think they deserve the same respect. They won't call you with their baggage, as long as you know not to do the same. Likewise these people have their 3 foot section of pew trademarked and copyrighted lest anyone consider stealing the seat, and that person would then be sued for copyright infringement. At best these people are mobile within their pew alone, and that is only un...

Not to be confused with the dimming of lights to create an intimate atmosphere to feel the Holy Ghost more in youth service during worship (future post), the dimming of the lights in the sanctuary during service usually occurs at a relaxing point in the service where everyone is encouraged to take their seats....The dimming of lights then occurs just short of causing the sanctuary to be pitch black. Usually what is about to take place will be a video or a slideshow reflective of some concurrent presentation to inform or to persuade. Such presentations include but are not limited to: Missionary Video (future post) slideshow of a church resident's trip to some foreign land A clip from a movie/tv show relevant to the sermon A drama team's interpretation of a song A sign language team's interpretation of a song complete with glowing sticks But that is not what is important to this post.... What I am concerned about is solely that weird anticipation/excitement that grows in you...

(No Rob Bell does not have devil horn's in real life) Every evil movement needs a face to be memorable. The Nazi's had Hitler, the Soviet's had Stalin, the Mongolians had Ghengis Khan, The Disney Channel had Hannah Montana, The VMA's has Kanye West, post-modernism has ellen DeGeneres, evolution has dinosaurs, and evil hyenas who hide out in elephant graveyards have Scar from the Lion King. I hope you get the point... Well in recent years there has been a devil lurking amongst our midst waiting for the opportunity to invade every aspect of our denomination...This devil is the emergent church. We don't really know what it is, nor have we read many of their books, but we know they exist, they are in our denomination, and for all we know they could be in our house....but as pointed out earlier in this blog: For a movement to be memorable, it needs a face....and the face of the emergent church is ROB BELL! The man who claims to stand for Christ, but in reality probably s...

The Notebook was to the UPCI what the bomb dropped on Hiroshima was to Japan. If someone wants something to blame for the secularization of Pentecost, blame the Notebook. If someone wants to know where the revival went in their church, blame the Notebook. If someone wants to know why that girl they are trying to date is so fickle all the time, blame the Notebook. If someone wants to know why so many people in the UPCI wanted to advertise on TV all of a sudden, blame the Notebook. If someone wants to know why the divorce rate is so high in America, blame the Notebook. I am assuming everyone is either familiar with or has seen the Notebook...if you have been blessed enough not to see it, let it remain that way... The Notebook was one of the main driving forces to why many young females have vastly overinflated expectations for what a relationship is suppose to be. Because of the Notebook some of these expectations for relationships now include but are not limited to: Driving into a woode...

Aw, shucks, now. Apostolics like revival. We can't even say the word "revival" without adding "Whoo!" accompanied by a preacherly kick or holy fist pump or spiritual shiver. We like it so much that it has nearly turned into an amorphous abstract concept. But how did it begin? Back in the day To hear old timers tell it, it seems that the concept of revival actually started out as a series of services. These reminiscences usually start out with, "Back in the brush arbor days . . . " Wow. Tents, kerosene lamps, dirt floors, hard pews, weepy sinners, tongue talkin' and holy rollin' populate the narratives. Those were the days. Back when people weren't so caught up in their lives that folks had revival everyday for weeks on end. Back when sinners used to literally run up to the altar. JAY-sus. Those were the days. (Note: There still exists the concept of revival as a literal series of services, but it's much less common and tends to happen ...

I am going to straight with this one: I don't like John Maxwell (not as a person, but rather in his influence). He has been the thorn in my flesh for much of my existence.... Quick summary: He writes leadership books. And a lot of them... His most famous are The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, the 360 degree leader, Leadership 101, and any other book that includes a numeric value and has leadership in the title. To sum up his books and writing style, John Maxwell gives us very broad and obvious statements about leadership. He then tries backing up what we already know is true with a parable or actual story of a great leader or person who was courageous in spite of facing a difficult situation in their life. If the story is not directly inspirational, it will leave us in stitches of laughter. Essentially John Maxwell writes Chicken Soup for the Soup books for leaders without the crying. He also organizes his thoughts and points into lists: 21 irrefutable laws of leadership, 10 q...

Not to be confused with camp dating (future post), breaking up at camp/convention/congress (from here on we will condense all of these evens into "breaking up at camp") is a very popular trend amongst Apostolics everywhere. Seriously, mark it on your calendar that during the next camp/congress one of your friends will break up with their mate. It's a lock to happen. It just happened with two of my friends at camp this past summer and we're in our 20s. So usually the break up at camp ends with the following statement by the one who did the breaking up, "well we were fighting before camp a lot so this was going to happen eventually...." But basically what really happened is the one who did the break up arrived at camp and looked around and subconsciously was reminded that there were indeed more fish in the sea than his short term memory could recall.. See in Apostolic circles near the home church, the options for dating are minimal. Usually One has no more tha...

I say pajama "bottoms" for a particular reason. The first thing one must understand when attempting to understand this phenomenon among some AP females is that they are pajama "bottoms," not pajama "pants." See, we don't wear pants. The Bible says women shouldn't wear men's clothing and that men shouldn't wear women's clothing. Pants are for cootie-ridden boys. So, in order to justify our (and I say "our" because I raise my hand as one of the participants) donning a pants-like garment in good conscience, some explanation is in order. Pants by day, pajama bottoms by night If a woman were to wear a two-legged garment outside in the daylight, those are pants, hands down. No contest there. At that point, she may as well climb into the handbasket on its way to you-know-where. But if she wears a two-legged garment inside her house, they morph into a shaky but, depending on the amount of fire in the preaching she's used t...

No Pentecostal worship service would be complete without the “shout down” song. A shout down service (future post) doesn’t occur every time a shout down song is performed, but one would argue that the performance of such songs is the Pentecostal equivalent of the opening of the corral gate at the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Never mind that the lyrical and musical content of these songs is exactly the same every time. They usually start with a catchy intro of some strategically placed low notes and a heavy bass drum, a “walk up” followed by a very high energy verse about victory, freedom, battle or some other form of liberation. Clint Brown mastered this art and won our hearts in the late nineties and early two thousands by placing a song following this protocol on every CD he put out. But there is an entire sub genre of “shout down” songs within Pentecost : the Pentecostal Pride shout down songs. The genre has been on the decline since 2000 and saw it's hey day in the mid ni...

While completely agreeing with fellow blogger Joel on the denim jackets bit, let's keep it a hundred: Denim skirts are MUCH more integral to Apostolic female style and have been around much longer than its cousin, the denim jacket. Without my trusty array of denim skirts, I would be a woman undone. Undone, I tell you. Most AP girls could whip out an array. To the unchurched mind, one denim skirt is enough, but Apostolic girls know better. Aww, naw. One denim skirt is NOT enough. You've got your straight, long, ankle-grazing denim skirt. Then you've got your just-below-the-knees denim skirt for warmer times. And heaven help you if you flash a bit of knee-cap. Then you've got the tiered skirt. Then you've got skirts that flare out at the bottom. These can be ankle-grazing or just-below-the-knee. A common plus to having an array of denim skirts: Even though in your mind they're "dress down," to the secular mind, any skirt is "dress up." ...

You know the scenario....you're clapping to the worship music at altar call waiting for church to dismiss. You got your pray on and made everything right with the good Lord and you are ready to head out of the sanctuary. But then you peak out of the corner of your eye that the preacher is praying for someone ten feet away and it appears he is heading your direction... So you look around at those surrounding you, and once the coast is clear you very slyly close your eyes and half lift up your hands and begin whispering to Jesus....now the prayer we say at these times can vary greatly. Chances are they have nothing to do with the sermon, and are more than likely its a thank you to Jesus...Whatever your fallback prayer is (future post), it comes spewing out of your mouth quicker than you can quote Acts 2:38. Now once those eyes are closed, this is where things get tricky....because chances are you (as I) do not pray so the preacher will actually lay hands on us, but rather we pray b...

Okay, in reference to the above picture, if there were such a thing as a "worship school" for worship leaders...here is what a description of one of the classes would be: Worship 320: How to Worship between Songs The class would then discuss the ins and outs how these 15-30 seconds between songs can be either the most awkward 15-30 seconds of your life while on the platform or the most influential 15-30 seconds of your life... So when the song ends...stick your hands up in the air and thank Jesus with all your might. Except more important than actually meaning it, is the fact that it looks to the crowd that you actually mean it. Nevermind that when some of those very same worship leaders are not on the platform, you can see that they do not participate in worship for those 15-30 seconds between songs...so we know that the effort up there is not 100% honest (although they partially mean it)... The worst kind of worship leader are those who worship between songs but at about th...

I hope you enjoyed the introductory video which was taken after a youth rally with the bowling alley as the selected post-service social function last week. Special thanks to aaron hall on that one... But as for the bowling...seriously, isn't it sad that the place that makes you feel dirtier than after leaving a bar is the one place that it is socially acceptable to have a youth event at? To me the dirtiness (i.e. body odor) and confusion of the initial stages of puberty is best summed up with bowling alleys and glow bowling in mind complete with terrible music and weird strangers amuck.... And yet, "for 10 bucks we can get all you can eat nasty pizza and bowling after tonight's service. Please see the resource center for directions on how to get to the bowling alley...now let's all dive into the Word..." But I guess if the purpose of bowling alleys after youth service is to keep you at the alter as long as possible because you dread the mediocrity of the bowling ...

In the 1980's, jean jackets were invited into ApoPento world....holes, tears, and buttons on these jackets were optional but appreciated....It was stylish with the times but yet completely modest for our girls.... The problem was, no one has bothered to kick the Jean jackets out the back door after they overstayed their welcome.... In fact something funny happened in the Apo world with jean jackets in the late 80's/early 90's, the people who cared less about trends and being stylish started to adopt the jean jackets as their own, away from the the trendsetters.... Apparentely they are quite warm... So whenever a fashion trend finds itself somewhere in between being considered stylish, and being considered very functional this only means one thing: It's bound to be sold at Wal-mart! Which of course means that we will never see jean jackets leave our Apostolic denomination..... Which means at some points Apostolic will be considered fashionable when the jean jackets do ma...

Okay, so two of my good friends are getting married this weekend(the right way...when they were fiscally responsible and of mature age), and one thing that they are doing is tying the knot complete with putting on the wedding rings at the conclusion of the ceremony...which is the normal thing to do.... Except there is a trend out there that bans wedding rings in some Apostolic circles...so for those of you who are not familiar with this custom let me explain: Some think it is immodest to wear jewelry, and they consider engagement/wedding rings jewelry, and therefore a sin. Seems logical enough I suppose.... But then comes the kicker...instead of really engaging themselves in modesty by not purchasing jewelry which can be expensive and shiny (but I have no problem with this ), these people just consider themselves modest by moving the shiny instruments that declare a couples' love from their fingers to their wrists....that's right in order to be modest these circles believe it ...

I turn 24 in November....this is usually about the time that I am supposed to begin to think about thinking about getting married for secular young adults across the world. The average marrying age for college graduates is 26 years old these days.... However, in the Apostolic empire, where our universe does not run by the rules of the world, If I remain unmarried for another 2-4 years (which I anticipate), the whispers will begin to swirl around that "there's something wrong with that boy." Of course being my age and being a single young adult is not nearly as scary as being a female apostolic and being my age....If you find yourself a female and single and apostolic above the age of 25, Whoa NELLY! So here's the scoop: This whole young marriage age trend can't really be a surprising when we got all these teenage girls running around reading Pride & Prejudice and Little Women and what not, with stars in their eyes every time they see a male....See where a male...

It's about 12 o'clock (maybe earlier) in your local sunday school class, and the snacks have been consumed, the object lesson has been taught, prayer requests submitted, and even the main lesson has been completed, and retaught, and summarized all over again.... And one teacher keeps going in and out of the classroom to see if the pastor has dismissed his sermon...but when the teacher comes back there is horror in her eyes: The pastor hasn't even started closing on his sermon! And the teacher of the main lesson just keeps talking in circles and looking at the other teachers with, "what do we do now? I got nothing!" And the kids themselves are beyond antsy ready to take tear the head off a baby bird just to see some kind of action in their lives.... So another teacher steps in and one of two things happens: 1) If the weather is nice, the kids will be led outside where upon absolute anarchy will ensue within the limits of whatever game is chosen by the teacher for t...

I grew up thinking this man was my uncle....at least I felt like I knew him better than I did most of my real uncles. Every afternoon my mom would have James Dobson's focus on the family radio program blaring like it was one of the original Apostles himself speaking. Which meant that for her and all of the other thousands of Dobson's fans, critical thinking was left at the door as Dobson's doctrine became their doctrine. Dobson's program was where I learned that preaching did not have to be screaming. It's also where I was told that America was secretly under attack by hippie liberal democrats who are trying to "gay it out" wherever possible, and that they will do whatever it takes to be allowed to "gay it out" as married couples and in public. These same God-hating communists are personally trying to see to it cause as many divorces as possible. Dobson was the general to sound the alarm that being a Republican was a new requirement for salvatio...