Thursday, September 3, 2009

#10-Girls watching guys play basketball

This is the mystery of mysteries in our wonderful denomination: Girls that genuinely enjoy watching their crushes/boyfriends/potential future husbands sweat it out over a game of non-short wearing basketball.

Nevermind that when this activity happens, Apostolic females are single-handedly setting the women's rights movement back another fifty years by declaring that "my form of entertainment is solely dependent on observing the male gender brute it out for alpha male superiority in a game of competitive sport."

As I typed that, I realized Apostolic females aren't setting the females back fifty years, but rather setting us back a whole species, as we now resemble the neanderthal more than the homo sapien. Think about it, the male competes against other males in a mutually understood activity that will put athletic fitness of males in competition amongst each other while the female gender watches the primitive competition to see which mates are the most successful so they can pursue/facebook stalk. The most athletic males signal to the female fans that they are the most apt for a future lifelong monogamous relationship.

Seriously, whether it be camp, convention or at a church lock-in with a gym, the most highly participatory extracurricular activity of the night will be basketball because Apostolic guys love playing it and the females love observing it.

The girls swoon over longingly at the cutest, best-looking, or most athletic basketball players, and the girl who has a boyfriend playing at an optimal level becomes overly proud and protective of her boyfriend by shouting and cheering over-exuberantly everytime her boyfriend scores as if to say to all the other female admirers, "lay off, He is my territory!"

The irony is you won't catch most of these female fans watching an actual NBA or college basketball game a day in their life. Apostolic basketball is their life. It is one of the least efficient ways of finding a mate to date, but yet in all our Apostolic courting awkwardness, it seems to get the job done.

As for a male, I can assure you there is nothing more exhilarating than playing a game of basketball and looking out into the vastness of blurry faces and knowing the girl you would like to hold hands with is somewhere out there. At this point you don't play basketball to win, you play basketball with the thought of all the potential little juniors you could end up having run around in future generations after securing a wife from this basketball game.


  1. My favorite part about the whole thing is when the crush/boyfriend/potential future husband acknowledges that he notices me watching his basketball game and shows me this by asking me to hold his phone/wallet/watch/hat or sweater. This not only shows me that he is interested in me and wants to accompany me to the next big rally, But it shows other girls that were watching the basket ball game to watch him that they should scope out the court for other potential future husbands. This might also "if you are "TALKING?" to this male" help spread the word among the youth of the UPCI that there is a possible wedding or pregnacy in the next six months. Pending on if you have the python spirt or not.

    -K Bishop

  2. Other reason include catching some sun while watching the guys. What better excuse can AP girls get for tanning :) Unfortunatly, watching guys play sports bores me out of my skull. I would much rather play myself or go find friends to talk to. The message I'm sending by wanting to play instead of watch? Either I'll be a partner that will work toward your goal with you or there will be constant contention as we both compete for top-dog status :D I guess it would just be smart to make sure I'm on your team :)