Wednesday, September 23, 2009

#59-Claiming your seat in the sanctuary as a seperate independent nation

I could have titled this blog, "Sitting in the same seat every church service" but that would be too boring...

But seriously, as part of the human condition we love routine. We don't like dramatic changes, and even a little shift in regulated seating can take us out of our element...

So we claim seats as our own....

Because if we don't, the Holy Ghost would never be ab
le to move as it desired because of how uncomfortable we would feel during service.

But there are different categories of the seat claimers:

The Possessive
These are the people who bring no one any harm i
n church and thus they think they deserve the same respect. They won't call you with their baggage, as long as you know not to do the same.

Likewise these people have their 3 foot section of pew trademarked and copyrighted lest anyone consider stealing the seat, and that person would then be sued for copyright infringement.

At best these people are mobile within their pew alone, and that is only under extenuating circumstances they are willing to vacate their immediate premises and move further down the pew (i.e. a guest). And even if one of these circumstances do arise, the possessive seat owner will make it well known via a scolding look that you are trespassing, and should you make the same mistake twice, you will be headbutted in the kidney.

The Territorial
If you are not that possessive about one special seat, then
at least you have a relative section that is declared your comfort zone. Of course you prefer a certain seat, but you are no way attached to it. You aren't as restricted as the possessive seat owner, and therefore think yourself more giving.

The biggest advantage of being more territorial of course is that if by some random chance a meteor shoots through the roof and destroys your pew on a non-church day, you will just move to the next pew and not even break a sweat.

The Restricted
These are the ones who long for the freedom of the normal people, but are forced to a restricted area of seating as if they were a baby i
n a playpen. In other words this is the youth group who has two options:
  • Sit near the front so that when people pull a certain youth to the altar, they won't have that far of a walk and also so it will be easier for the preacher to preach to the youth in the middle of a sermon when he so chooses to.
  • Sit with your parents which is completely not a cool thing to do. (in other words sitting in the youth section is the only option)
The Rebellious
The rebellious I am going to rant against are the rebellious who change seats only to pop up on a completely random pew in a different area of the sanctuary (and thus vacate their country in hopes to find new land). Seriously, I already mentioned how we love routine and thus like having our own little seat in the church....but part of this routine is also knowing where everyone else sits.

So when a family or couple or prominent church memb
er moves not only a couple pews away, but rather a whole section away from the original territory, it just messes everyone's mind up. We don't know how to function. We then gossip with ourselves in our head over what caused the emigration to a different continent...Perhaps Steve now has a crush on Sally and he wants a better eye view? Maybe Allan's body odor exiled the entire Connery family to the other side of the church?

Whatever causes the seat change, we don't like it...we want routine..

Let's initiate some third grade policy here: Let's just agree to have a seating chart.

And then have all new guests sit in a designated area in the sanctuary so we don't have to look around 3 times a service to see if there are an
y new faces....

O wouldn't life be grand?
Sufjan Christian song in honor of Sufjan Stevens week (see #53):

"Chicago" (sufjan's biggest hit, which the chorus is a gigantic thank you to Christ)


  1. In my church we use to have a real drumset that sat on the right side of the platform, but there were a couple people that would always complain that the drums were to loud. These were pretty much the only people how complained, and the could have solved this problem by just moving back a few rows or maybe moving to the other side of the church. But this was their seat and no mear drumset would stop them from dying in that very pew. Now we have have electric drums(which mine as well be no drums at all because you can never hear them). And everyone is happy.

  2. I'm about a year late on this, but I just found this blog yesterday and now I'm skipping around reading when I should be doing my Algebra homework. Whatev.

    I'm a rebellious one! Most often I could be found on the right side of the church, but it might be on the 4th row, maybe the 5th, maybe the last row. None of which has any bearing on my current spiritual status. Often I want to move to the left side, back row. I'm afraid the current family that owns the pew wouldn't move somewhere else, they would simply sit down with me. The horror.